How I Stopped Running Away from My Insecurities

I started running at the beginning of the pandemic. Not because I love running or as some sort of diet plan but because I couldn’t play basketball anymore. I actually hate running. Basketball was always my source of cardio and overnight, that was gone. So I started running.

As I began running, I talked to people about running. I heard other’s perspectives and found it was a community of sorts. And candidly, not really one I felt compelled to be a part of. I thought at first it was an identity thing…. “I’m a basketball player, I’m not a runner. I’m running because I can’t play basketball.” But I soon came to find out it was much deeper than that.

One thing I was quickly pointed to as I began running was run tracking apps. So I started using a running app. I didn’t know it was a social running app to start or I probably wouldn’t have started using it. I turned it on for my first run and was shocked to get friends reaching out and commenting. Even more strange, perfect strangers. This private activity that was once an escape and decompression time had now become a social event. Anyone could track me, see my runs, and comment on them. I felt exposed and my first inclination was to shut it down. So I did, I turned it all off.

I went on to convince myself that this is what’s wrong with our society. People don’t do anything for the enjoyment of it, just for the kudos. But there was something deeper happening here with me.?

As I shut down the running app, I got this strange feeling. I felt like I was running away from something. Pun clearly intended, they always are. Of course,? I didn’t want to have my location data public but why can’t my friends see it? What was I afraid of? For most of my life, I’ve stuck to safe identities. I’m a basketball player. I’m a golfer. I’m a marketer. I’m a husband and father. I’ve stuck with identities I can control and that are definitive. And most importantly, things I’m good at. I don’t say I’m an artist, I don’t say I’m a writer (the irony is not lost on me that this is part of a blog post), and I’ve never called myself a runner. Because I’m not declaratively good at these things. That’s why I shut the app down. By a runner’s standards, I’m not a “good runner.”

I thought about it a lot and ultimately, I thought about my kids. I would never want them to not do something because they aren’t good at it. I wouldn’t want them to feel shameful because they’re learning a new thing. My fear of being exposed for being less than good at something was not a good reason to shut down the app. So I turned it back on.?

And then, I discovered the pause button. You can actually pause your run, catch your breath, and finish the run. This button was made for people like me who really don’t want to admit that after a mile they have to stop hunched over heaving to catch their breath. I can’t believe there’s a button for this but there is. I started using this in my last ditch effort to convince myself I was sharing my true runner self with the world but I wasn’t, I had my hand on the cheat button.?

This made me realize I’m not being the role model I want to be at home or at work. I’ve watched my career role models only show up in show ready states. Keynote stages, all hands meetings, films, bringing strong POV’s in confident ways. And I’ve followed suit. I’ve hit the pause button in private and only showed many of my co-workers the stage ready Eric. That’s not me. I want my team to see me hit the pause button so they can hit the pause button and realize that’s ok. It’s not something to hide. No one is perfect.

Recently, I ran at a 12:15 minute/mile pace. No pause buttons. I hit share. I’m not here to try to be perfect anymore. I’m here to be me. I’m not any one identify but I’m definitely a guy who runs 12 minute miles frequently. But you know what, I don’t need to post these to feel good about them. I don’t need to hide them or promote them. I want to enjoy them. I’m saying goodbye to the app, not because I’m afraid of what others will say, but rather because I have a new definition of what being a “good runner” means and it has nothing to do with mile times.