How I self-isolated from work to face my own mental hell-th

Burnout.

Burned out.

Burned out.

Burned out.

I’m just a bit tired right? - Right.

It’s probably just a bit of work stress yeah? - Yeah.

I must be over-reacting, it’s not that bad. - No.

But…this is real, isn’t it? - Yes.

A stop sign in traffic notifies drivers they must come to a full stop. 0km/h. Non-movement.

I want to share my story with you to show people it's ok to not be ok, and it's ok to talk about it. It’s a story about ups and downs, grief, trauma, depression, anxiety, burnout, but more than that it’s a story about hope, recovery, resilience, help-seeking and the power of not only pausing and slowing down, but coming to a complete stop.?

I’d like to take you back to seven years ago, not because that’s the start of my story, but because that’s when I accepted for the first time that something was wrong. I wasn’t okay, and I needed help.

In May 2015, was the first time the words "burnout" and "depression" became reality in my life. I couldn't believe it. I didn't wànt to believe it. "How can this be me?" My entire life I had tried to be perfect. The perfect student. The perfect daughter. The perfect friend. The perfect girlfriend. Suffice to say, I was a perfectionist. But I was thriving! I was juggling so many balls and managed to keep them all in the air. I was ambitious, a hard worker and someone that others looked up to. One of those people that “has their shit together”. At least, that’s what I told myself.

I remember going to the doctor on a Wednesday evening so she could "fix me up". I was traveling a lot for work and had been experiencing extreme fatigue, dizziness, sweating, pounding headaches, blurry eyesight, and intense chest pains. Little did I know the physical signs were just the tip of the iceberg. I was mentally drained. Exhausted. Didn't have energy for my friends and family. I didn't recognise the person staring back at me in the mirror anymore.

12th of May 2015 is D-Day in my journey of self-isolation. My GP ordered me to stay home for a month. I laughed and said “no”. She replied “Tahnee, if you keep going the way you are now, the next time I see you will be in a hospital. Your mind and body are so close to crashing.” So reluctantly, I stayed home.?

Month 1 (May-June): false optimism

I tried to tell myself to see this as an opportunity. To get everything done that I didn’t have time for before. So I made a list. I would do a massive spring cleaning, work through all my life admin, get back on track with physical exercise and prove to the GP that I had gotten my sh*t together, and was ready to take on life again. I was eager to get to my GP and tell her everything I achieved. I was so proud. But when I got there, she wasn’t impressed. She said I clearly didn’t get the message and she ordered me to stay home another 2, maybe even 3 months. I was devastated with this news.

Months 2 & 3 (June-July-August): denial & anger

I didn’t understand how I failed the test, so I was angry and frustrated and spiralled downwards. At this stage, I also hadn’t been able to speak the words “burnout” and “depression” in relation to myself. I hadn’t told my friends what was happening. Only my close family and my partner knew what was going on. My family was very supportive but I didn’t want their help. I didn’t want them to see me this weak. Their perfect daughter suddenly needing help. I never asked for help or needed it, and I was terrified of being vulnerable.

The hardest part though was being vulnerable with my partner. One day he told me that he couldn’t keep this up. He thought he was the cause of my unhappiness and so eventually our relationship ended. He moved out shortly after and I remember returning home to an empty bedroom that was once ours, echoing the emptiness and loneliness that was rushing through my veins. Facing burnout and depression was hard enough, and the added grief of losing my partner in crime, the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, was so overwhelming that I shut down entirely. I thought I was at rock bottom before, but now I definitely was. I felt stuck, trapped in a list of contradictions I couldn’t reverse out of.

Month 4 (August-September): problem-solving

Being the problem solver that I am, I decided I had had enough. I did not want the rest of my life to look like this, so I started going to therapy. I meditated. I did an online self-help course. Acupuncture. Chinese medicine. I tried everything I could think of, hoping something would help and stick. Things slowly started changing when I started seeing a life coach. She helped me use the words “burnout” and “depression” in relation to myself, without feeling the immense shame and failure I had before. She helped me see the importance and value of coming to a complete stop. To stop fighting and resisting and just accept that I was already enough. That I had always been enough. I learned how to rewire my brain and leave my heavy backpack of past trauma behind. I learned for the first time what it meant to truly be happy.

Months 5 & 6 (September-October-November): acceptance

I knew I wasn’t ready to go back to work, and for the first time, I allowed myself to accept that. I was however, ready to start thinking about the future and how I wanted to live my life going forward. In order to do this, I needed a change of scenery; a different environment where it was just me. Away from worried family and friends, away from people who took pity on me. So together with my doctors, we came up with a plan and I packed my bags with destination South Africa, my roots. Whilst I was there, I volunteered my time, met amazing humans and figured out my next steps.

Month 7 (November-December): a bright future

By the time I came back from South Africa, I had a plan and a new job lined up. At the other side of the world. I formally resigned from my previous employer, ended my apartment lease, sold my furniture, and moved to Australia by myself, with a bright new future ahead of me.

Fast-forward 7 years and my life looks entirely different. Depression and anxiety are still part of my life and come to visit me every now and then. But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that those words do not define me. I am more than my depression and anxiety. I am greater than my ups and downs.

What I learned?

Being a high achiever came at an equally high cost. And the only thing I could afford was to stop. Stop working for 7 months and shut myself off from the world for a while so I could start rebuilding myself.

A stop sign in traffic notifies drivers they must come to a full stop. 0km/h. Non-movement. I encourage you to think of this stop sign in your daily life, and whether it’s 7 months, 5 weeks or 2 years, step on that break.

“There’s always going to be another mountain, I’m always gonna want to make it move. It’s always gonna be an uphill battle, sometimes I’m gonna have to lose. But it isn’t about how fast I get there, or what’s waiting on the other side. It’s about the climb.” [Miley Cyrus]

And even though I haven't reached the top of the mountain yet, I've learned to realise that the view is already breathtaking from where I am. So I encourage you, to look at your view and surroundings, and just…stop.