How I was Restricting myself from Changing the World?

"I finally feel the universe expand

It's in the heartbeat, exhales and In the hope of open hands

I'm hypnotized by this anomaly, Such strange uncharted territory

A white flag waves in the dark between my head and my heart

My armor falls apart

As if I could let myself be seen, even deeply known

Like I was already brave enough to let go"

I have always wanted to change the world.

Ever since I gained the aspect of morals and 'right' when I was a child, I saw problems

I had this feeling of utter despair, a sprinkle of anger and a downpour of helplessness whenever I passed through the streets around my home and hear a man being aggressive towards his wife. It still kills me.

I also have had this superhero moment in my childhood(yeah, only in my mind, where I would step in whenever (pakka next time) my father would scream at my mom and say "daantna hai toh mujhe daanton"(u would have to get past me before you scold mom.....yesssss...I did watch a lot of saas bahu serials with my mom to pay off for all the time she watched first Oswald and then shinchan with me))

I have always had this strong sense of morality and an opinion about what's right and wrong and a prodigious desire to change the world.

And for 19 years since my first breath, it more or less shaped my dreams.

And then came the 20th.

“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.”

 ~ M.K Gandhi 

One other thing that has always been constant with me is me trying to mend some part of me, to fix a hole in the vessel that holds everything that makes me me, to get rid of some insecurity.

In some way, I believed that there's been a natural talent, an innate skill and I lack it, I lack so much and, that's why (yes that is the ultimate answer), am not able to make any difference in the world. 

In the 20th year, as of now, I give up.

I give up to what I thought is my responsibility to 'fix the world'.

I give up so that, instead and finally, I can take up the commitment of enjoying every part of propelling it towards the right direction. 

The world has always found the path of love It did against slavery. It did against racism. It did for rights of women to vote. It did for LGBT.

(even my father did. He learnt to manage his anger despite his childhood and my mom learnt how to stand up for herself and the way he deals with the bleakest of situations is so inspiring to me. How much they love beyond inspiring.).

 I like to believe that the universe is as messy as we are. And while learning from mistakes, sometimes things go really wrong. But always. Always. The end result is beautiful.

"If you put on shoes that are too tight and walk out across an empty plain, you will not feel the freedom of the place unless you take off your shoes. Your shoe-constriction has you confined. At night before sleeping you take off the tight shoes, and your soul releases into a place it knows."

~Rumi

 For years and years I spent all my time, hastily(before anyone else sees), trying to fix holes in a vessel, my vessel, which, I now realise, never had anything to mend.

In contrast, one thing that I didn't understand about applying innumerable layers of ??? (mending plaster) is that it confines the vessel. It limits it, it robs the vessel of air to breathe and in many cases suffocates it to death. 

Luckily, I found writing as the night(and maybe, a ventilator) entering into which I could feel my vessel again, beneath all those artificial walls, and help my soul survive.

Indeed, all our vessels are porous, we are highly susceptible creatures after all, and there are a lot of times when what enters our soul isn't particularly in the liking of our soul's desire. Does it mean we close off, in closing the pores suffocate ourselves, or worse, label the vessel itself as inherently flawed?

No, buddhu, do what your mom does(she'e intelligent you know) whenever something wicked enters a vessel. Empty it. Refill it. Simple.

Ohh greedy beings!! 

One particularly edge you have got over the vessel she refilled(apart from that your vessel itself is fabricated from her love)? As greedy humans we love exploiting, and our vessel, in the same way, always welfare from anything that seeps in, either to build immunity or to add to our abundance.

 'Let your messes matter, let this chaos count

Let the truth your soul speaks be shout out aloud'

I hope your soul can hear me. I bet it agrees it's time to stop surviving and start thriving.

Let's be in an agreement with the universe to invite the right mindset, right experiences and right communication to help propel it in the direction of love, compassion and care.

Let the rest of our lives be all about letting our Souls Thrive and Dance to show God that we are grateful to be Alive.

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