How I messed up: Taking things too seriously

Part 8 of the "How I messed up" series where I walk you through a mistake I made in detail ??

Recently, I came across a quote by Aldous Huxley that I didn’t know I needed:

It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.

It’s been over a year since I took a break from working full-time. While I worked on some freelance projects, I spent most of my time resting. Resting, because I haven’t properly rested in the last decade. After a year’s rest, I feel brave enough to address one of the causes of my burnout over the past 10 years — it [was] dark because [I was] trying too hard. I took everything too seriously, creating my own nightmare fuel.

I don’t remember myself trying too hard as a kid. How did it get so dark?

• Comparison — throughout elementary, middle, and high school, I found myself hanging out with intelligent people (looking back, I think this was easy to do because I think my class had academic prowess overall). My family would tell me I’m fortunate to be part of the group (gratitude, anyone?). I certainly do, but that message carries the nuance that I’m part of the group out of my friends’ generosity, not because I belong there. Over time, I started to internalize the thought of “I’m not as good as them.” Decades later, I still feel like an imposter sometimes. This self-deprecating thought grew one of my worst habits: putting too much faith in authority (people must be in more successful positions than me because they’re better than me. They must know what’s going on more than I do).
• A real emergency — there was an illness in the family. I took an unexpected break from my studies after finishing my first year in university. Fortunately, since medical attention was sought early on, it all worked well in a year. But the medical bills were substantial, and higher education was expensive, so I couldn’t go back to school right away (if ever). When I miraculously got the opportunity to go back to university, I was determined to put my 120% into academics. My dead-serious study habits paid off in academia, and I carried that work ethic into the workforce.
• Artificial emergencies — let’s say that an authority figure (like a Managing Director or a CEO) says there’s an emergency (even though it’s not). And I wholeheartedly believe it and respond to it like a real emergency. My belief in authority overwrote the fact that these emergencies were fake (nobody is going to die if I don’t publish this social media post out right this minute). I was “fighting fires” all the time, over… frankly, nothing. There were no fires. But I was dealing with these minor inconveniences and lack of priorities (“Everything is a priority!”) with the intensity of dealing with a real emergency because someone with authority told me that.1

The combination of these factors made it so that the harder I tried, the darker it got. The good news is that I eventually managed to turn the lights on.

Looking back, it was comically obvious that I was taking things too seriously, but if you told me that “you’re making things worse than they really are” at the time, with good intent, I would have probably interpreted that as gaslighting and cut ties with you!

I needed to shift my perspective on my own. To do that shift, I had to have enough headspace first. I had to HEAL. And the only way I could heal was to REST in a SAFE SPACE long enough. After a year of rest and rejuvenation, I feel hopeful that I can walk a lot more lightly, even in trying times.

In parting, here is a continuation of the Huxley excerpt:

So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly.

Thank you for reading the 12th issue of “Career Mistakes to Avoid” and part 8 of the “How I messed up” series! Do you take things very seriously (to the point where you think it’s comical)?

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