How I Make Texas Chili In Lousiana

Once upon a time, when I was but a wee lad, my grandpappy sat me down and told me the long and winding tale of his world-famous chili, which I will now regale you with for the next 20,000 words before ever giving you the recipe.

I mean, that's how these things are supposed to go, right? I did kinda do it with my gumbo recipe, I guess. Same with my chocolate pie, too. But at least I included jump links right at the top that take you straight to the recipe. So there's that.

Also, I don't do recipes very well. Most of these measurements are approximations based on what I think "some of this" looks like in tablespoons or however many cups "a handful or so" is. Should do you fine, though. Adjust as needed. I accept no responsibility for the consequences of your actions.

The Reagents

Meat

• 2 pounds of 80/20 ground beef

Roux (I said what I said; consider this the Louisiana part)

• 1 cup oil
• 1 cup flour

Spice blend

Chilis -

If you're fancy:

• Dried ancho/chipotle/whatever chilis you like, de-seeded and ground in a spice grinder to equal around 5 tablespoons of chili powder

If you're a normal person (honestly, just use the chili powder; we're going to bloom all the spices anyway so it'll be fine)

• 2.5 tablespoons light chili powder
• 2.5 tablespoons dark chili powder

The rest of the stuff -

• 1.5-2 tablespoons cumin (depending on how much you like cumin, obvi)
• 1-2 teaspoons cinnamon (depending on how much you like cinnamon, obvi)
• 1-2 teaspoons coarse ground garlic powder (do I have to keep saying this?)
• 1-2 teaspoons onion powder (you get the idea)
• However much cayenne pepper you want (or just throw a couple teaspoons of Slap Ya Mama in there and call it done)
• Anything else you like, there are no rules

Veggies

Finely minced garlic

If you're fancy:

• 1 Large Onion
• 3 Celery Stalks
• 2 Bell Peppers

If you're a normal person:

• Skip all the chopping and just buy a 24oz bag of Pictosweet's Seasoning Blend from the freezer section

Other Stuff

• 32-64oz Beef stock (32 should be fine but you might want to have more on hand if you need to thin things out, but water would work fine too)
• 1 bottle of stout (Guinness or whatever)
• 4.5-6oz Tomato paste
• 40 grams or so of 70%ish Dark chocolate (or however much you want, but I'd start with 40ish grams then add more if you like it - you can also go for an even darker chocolate if you prefer, I won't tell The Authorities or anything)

Optional

• 1 teaspoon or so of MSG

Extremely Optional

• 1 tablespoon ground coffee (use at your own risk; it's already a dish with a pretty complex flavor profile, so you might want to leave it out the first time or every time, whatever. I don't normally add it, but if I'm feeling frisky...)

If You Absolutely Must

• A couple of cans of kidney beans, but listen. If you insist on adding beans, you are no longer legally allowed to call this Texas chili. Also, beans are gross. But whatever, live how you wanna live, I guess.

The Destructions

1. Mix the spice blend together and set aside
2. In your Dutch oven (you'll need one of those because this is all going in the actual oven eventually), add the oil and flour over medium heat if you don't know what you're doing, or crank it up hotter if you do. Stir constantly until you have a nice, dark roux. (It should look like melted chocolate.)
3. While making sure to keep stirring your roux, go ahead and get your ground beef browning.
4. Put a little oil or bacon grease in a separate pan and toss in about 1/3 of the veggies and saute them for a few minutes before tossing in a heaping teaspoon or so of minced garlic, then mix that around for a minute before adding the ground beef - which you're going to remember to season, right? Right. Just put whatever you like on it, or just salt and pepper. You do you. (I like Trager's Beef Rub, myself.) Cook until browned.
5. The roux you've been remembering to keep stirring this whole time should be the dark chocolate color we're looking for around the time your ground beef is done browning. (If the meat is done sooner, don't panic. Just take it off the heat and let it sit there to think about what it's done.) Add the rest of your veggies to the roux, stir them around, and let them cook for a bit in that before adding in the spice blend. Stir all that together for a minute (this is the blooming part I mentioned), then toss in another heaping teaspoon or so of minced garlic and dump everything from your other pan (the one with the ground beef and the rest of the veggies) straight into the Dutch oven where the party's getting started.
6. Dump in a bottle of stout, I use Guinness Extra Stout, and stir it around a little, then add 32oz of beef stock and the tomato paste, then do the stir-stir thing until everything's nice and mixed in and the roux is fully dissolved. If you aren't susceptible to racist media scare tactics and really want to kick up the flavor, you can also add in around a teaspoon or so of MSG (easy to find branded as Ac'cent Flavor Enhancer). If you are susceptible to racist media scare tactics, you could just toss in a bouillon cube since it's basically just MSG in disguise for white people who are scared of MSG because they're susceptible to racist media scare tactics. (You'd also add the beans here, if you're the kind of philistine that considers nothing upon this good earth sacred at all.) Bring the whole thing to a boil while stirring occasionally, then slap the lid on and toss it in a 300° oven for somewhere around an hour, hour-and-a-half.
7. Grab the Dutch oven out of the, well, oven oven and skim off some of the excess fat that'll have risen to the top while you're here. If you even want to, that is. Fat is flavor, so feel free to leave it. Up to you. I'm not telling anyone how to live.
8. Anyway, give it a good stir and taste it. Add whatever you may think it's missing but keep in mind that the flavors will continue to intensify over time (especially the next day). Then, just toss it back in the oven - uncovered this time - for another 30-45 minutes or however long it takes to thicken to your desired consistency. Check on it and just keep cooking it uncovered until it looks right to you. Helping to get just the right consistency is one of the reasons for the roux - it'll make adjusting things a bit easier. (If it gets too thick, just add more beef stock or water. If you add too much and it gets too thin, then just leave it in the oven longer until it's back to where you wanted it before you messed up and went dumping more beef stock in there with reckless abandon.)
9. Once it's how you want it, taste everything and make sure it's all on point, then toss in the dark chocolate. Yep, trust me. Just toss it in there and stir everything up. Let it sit for, I dunno, 15 minutes or so, then give it another quick stir and you should be good to go.
10. It's ready to serve at this point, which you should absolutely do because it's taken a while and everyone's hungry, but it'll be even better tomorrow and the next day or however long it takes you to gobble it up like the gluttonous wretch you are.

If you need me to tell you what to top it with once you have it in a bowl, then you've never eaten chili before and I can't help you. Personally, I just put a little cheese on top while the wife prefers sour cream. Do whatever you want, though. Or don't do anything. Everything is fake and nothing is real, anyway. Go crazy.

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