How I Made A Russian Woman Smile

In my neighborhood there is a Russian woman. I know she’s Russian because I once imagined her wearing a Ushanka hat and it totally worked. My advanced powers of deduction also inform me that she is is about thirty-five years old. I don’t know her name, but I will assume it is Nikita. 

I first noticed Nikita two years ago. I saw her exiting an apartment building with a girl, about eight years old, who I assumed was her daughter. I’ve never seen Nikita with anyone else.

They seemed like a happy pair, although I had never seen Nikita smile. Her look was always stern, but despite that, she still remained attractive. Occasionally, I would pass by Nikita and smile at her, but it made no difference. She never returned it. More often than not she would immediately avert her eyes and I started to feel as though she truly hated me. Once, I had a dream that as I passed her she stabbed me in the throat with her spy knife.   I was devastated.

I’m not sure why it mattered to me what Nikita thought of me. It could be that I simply wanted to see her smile at me for no other reason than wanting to know what she looked like when she smiled. Draw your own conclusions. 

As chance would have it though, I was able to obtain some relief over my anxiety about my smile averse Russian.  It happened during a lengthy conversation I had with an Uber driver on my way to Midway Airport. I live much closer to O’Hare, but I couldn’t pass on the discount available on the flight from Midway. 

The driver’s name was Dmitri and he had recently arrived to America from Russia. He spoke in a heavy Russian accent, but I was able to follow most of what he said. At some point the topic of Nikita came up. I spoke at length about my dilemma noting all the smile-less encounters, the nightmares, and the growing awkwardness I felt whenever I encountered her. A smirk slowly formed on Dmitri’s face as he stole glances at me in his rear view mirror.  It was the type of smirk you see on a Jeopardy contestant when they know the answer to the Daily Double.

Then, when I’d finished, Dmitri launched into a mini lecture worthy of a Ted Talk. I truly wish that I had recorded it. Nevertheless, the following, to the best of my recollection, is what he said:

“Don’t worry about it. This is Russian way. Nothing personal. In Russia, we only smile for friends and family, no smile for stranger. Only in America smile for stranger. Show up at Walmart, person stand there and smile and say, “Welcome” even when person hate life. This person make five dollar every hour, why smiling?  It is culture.  Have to smile. Life is shit. No matter, tomorrow I win lottery, get inheritance, come up with idea for film, make millions, win Oscar, who knows, this is capitalism.  In Russia, everybody equally miserable. You ever see Russian person laughing? Me neither. Russian only smile for friend and even then really only half smile. If you in Russian you see somebody smile at you better have gun because they about to shoot you. Only one prayer in Russian, “God, what you got against me?” This Nikita girl, she love you. You best thing since sliced bread. She look down so you don’t see how ugly she’s been told she is. Next time you see her, grab her and kiss her. She will fight you but this normal. Continue to kiss her until she cry. That will be sign she is ready for thirty-five more years of misery.”

Suffice it to say, I was immensely relieved.  Additionally I felt privileged to have gained some inside info on the Russian culture. I thanked Dmitri for his explanation, as well as the advice I definitely wasn’t going to take. As I took my bags Dmitri made me promise I would invite him to our marriage and make him the guest of honor.  I told him that if he promised to make the same exact speech, it was a deal.

My mind truly was put at ease. Over the next several months I encountered Nikita periodically at the grocery store, coffee shop, and library. Each time I was able to let go completely of my need for positive affirmation from her. Not only that, but I was able to observe the phenomenon that Dmitri had talked about. Nikita didn’t smile for anyone.

Then it happened. The most unexpected thing happened. They type of thing that could only happen when you stop caring about whether something happens. I was leaving the post office and I saw Nikita approaching from the parking lot. She was beyond the distance where it was expected that one hold the door. However, she was holding a considerably large package that required both arms. And so, I held the door.

Turns out, no matter what country a woman is from, you hold a door for her and she’s gonna smile. It also turns out that when a woman doesn’t smile at you it could be because she has bad teeth. Really glad I didn’t take Dmitri’s advice.