How I was leaving my home. Day 4.

Day 4. February 27.

After spending the night in the car, without sleep and nap, moving in a traffic jam at 10-15 meters per hour, I realized what a trap I had fallen into.

It was impossible to sleep at all. At any moment a line of cars could move a meter or two, and you have to keep a very small distance from the car in front so that none of those who decided to drive in the opposite lane wedged in. The people in the cars were grinding their teeth out of anger at those who freaked out and drove forward, violating the agreements in this temporary group of survivors.

Driving at night is very difficult. You should watch carefully and expect that the cars ahead are about to move. It is devastating. It was? - 5 degrees outside, and there was no opportunity to walk: the highway, the landing, the fields, the absence of streetlights, and the road collapse, immersed in exhaust fumes.

I tried not to look at my family in their shriveled poses. My kids couldn't take it at all. They were waking up and crying. Through sleep, they forgot where they were and why they couldn't lust lie down in their beds.

The younger one kept falling headfirst. In the end, I moved my driver's seat as far forward as possible and put him on the floor behind me. He laid his head on the partition and slept till the morning. I did the same for the elder son. At least in such a way they didn't fall on the floor. They couldn't sleep sitting up.

It was hurt to look at my mother. She pushed her front seat all the way forward to give her elder grandchild more room in the back. At the same time, there was no place for her at all. Despite my persuasion to sit down normally, she did not give in. She wanted maximum comfort for the boys.?

I sincerely believed that such a night would be one or two at most. I couldn't imagine that I could stay like this for longer. The food we took with us was nearly run out. There was a feeling of sand in the eyes, legs and arms were numb. In general, I felt good, almost physically feeling the lion's dose of adrenaline that my body produced.?

I knew that I could handle it, I had no doubts. I always manage.

In this night's car line many drivers fell asleep. The sleepless people took advantage of this and quickly went around, wedging into the free space, having won several tens of meters.

When the driver of the car in front of mine fell asleep, I went out and knocked on the window to wake him up. While I had the strength and the last of the inner light. But my coat was not white for long either.

At night, no one followed the order, there were almost no police. There were many buses passing by. I knew that my colleagues were in one of them.

Earlier that day there was an episode when a big black Mercedes jeep drove into the oncoming lane, and it so happened that the police stopped it right next to us. There was clearly a kind of a deputy in the car, a rogue or something like that. He shouted that he had a pregnant wife. Then a policeman came up to us and asked if I had children in the car. I answered - two. Then the policeman, pointing at me, yelled at the driver of the mercedes, saying that everyone here has children, turn around.

The conflict was loud as another police car drove up and they yelled at the man in the mercedes through the loudspeakers. That rogue tried to negotiate with them and with me. But his view was so intimidating that I did not even dare to open the window. I was afraid that if he has a gun, then he can use it in his hysteria.

In the end, the mercedes turned around and left.

It was a deep night, we did not move at all for more than two hours. It was not at all clear what was going on - whether we would move at least for a meter or not. My friend, whose husband I met the day before, wrote that they turned around and were returning because someone told them that they needed to stand at this huge line for at least five days.

This thought haunted me mercilessly.

I didn't want to go back. It would be a defeat.

The level of desperation increased. An inner voice echoed - try to break through on the opposite lane, like others.

And I tried.

I drove forward in emergency lights and drove two hundred meters. The police were ahead and I stopped at the edge on the opposite side. Then there was a pandemonium of people like me. Some were passed forward, the rest were turned around. I stood and thought about what to do. I felt awful.?

I drove a little ahead - to the police.

I was stopped and asked how I think I did well. I replied that it was ugly and turned back. I found a seat in front of the sleeping car and took it.

I gave in to my internal gorlum, I felt very disgusted. And this vile sticky feeling of inner betrayal I will never forget. I decided not to do this anymore, not to lose my face under any circumstances. Doing the right thing isn't really hard. Even when it's a question of survival.

Once I already survived. So I will survive now. I don't care what forces and resources. I don't care about the pain in my back and the sitting posture I hated. Don't care if the car breaks down.

Now I am that man who is able to save his family, knows how to do it would do it whatever the cost.?

And for the first time, this thought made me feel good and comfortable.

In the middle of a deep cold night, full of crying children, cigarette smoke, and the invincible will to live, I felt my legs covered with steel.

Centimeter by centimeter from shoes to knees, they were reinforced with metal plates and, rising higher, they began to support my hips, belly, and back. I felt iron gloves on my hands, and chromansil armor on my chest. The neck, face, and eyes appeared with retina and bulletproof glass, and the car seemed to be a powerful and strongest tank in the world.

This phantasmagoria that I am an androgynous cyborg helped me to stay awake all upcoming nights, not fall into despair, and not to betray myself and others by driving ahead sleeping cars.

To stay until the end.

The sun was coming up. The fifth day of the journey was ahead.

To be continued…