How I learned to handle criticism

For a long time I coasted along without sticking my neck out with my views. If I had a different point of view I would state it only when I felt safe. I didn't like arguments. Nor did I like people who argued.

Then I had a boss who hated the idea of people sitting on the fence. The kind of people who would say "On the one hand this, on the other hand that..."*

He insisted that I must have a point of view and be bold enough to it. He also hated "Yes, but.." hedging. So I had to learn to state my point of view. More importantly handle criticism and not run away from it.

The first time I tried stating my point of view I got into trouble. It was felt that I was too blunt. My comment came through as being condescending. Not done, if you are speaking to the CEO of your client company. I was duly rapped on knuckles for that. I sulked and kept quiet, holding my views to myself. Then there was a question "Why is he in the meeting, if he has nothing to say?"

The feedback was "He is not adding value."

So I figured out that I can say something nice and not get into trouble. So I stayed with stating how I agreed with X or liked Y's point of view. People were not happy.

Then I tried "You may not like what I am going to say, but...". It did not go too well with senior clients. Then only wanted to hear what they liked.

When I started on my own in 2000 and set up my innovation practice, I had not hiding place. I was out in the open, I had to play. There was no question about ducking anything.

Then I started watching the pros who handled this very well. They had a point of view and stated it with a matter-of-fact attitude. It was simple, clear and to the point. The tone was amicable. There was no beating around the bush.

They stated their view clearly "This is what I think....". They followed it with "And this is why." They did not stop at that. "However, I am open to listen to alternative views." The tone was confident, energetic and convincing. It was clear that they had thought the issue through. Yet it sounded like they were open to listen to other people's views. It is like you have closed 3/4th of the door, but did not shut it fully. While they listened with an open mind, it was not a cake walk for the other person.

They listened to an alternate view but were not afraid of disagreeing with that view. They didn't mumble or waver. They were clear and straight.

They were especially good at handling criticism. Here is what they did:

They were 100% attentive when they listened to an alternate point of view. They were in no hurry to disagree nor agree. They just listened. They took notes. They waited for the other person to finish.

They spoke only after asking "Are you through? May I speak?"

When they started, they shared the points on which they agreed with the other person. They took on points where they disagreed. They started with hard facts. Then they stated their feelings. And finally their opinions. If their recommendation was asked for they either gave it in a simple clear fashion. Or simply said "I need to think on this. I need time till tomorrow or next week."

If pressed for a view they held their position. " I am not in a position to say yes, without my homework. Nor do I want to say no without going through all the data. If you are in a hurry go ahead and take a decision, because it is your call. On my apart I will abide by your decision."

This requires practice. Practice in thinking clearly. Practice in conveying agreement or disagreement clearly without getting emotional. At the same time not sound like robot.

I started by talking about handling criticism. It is has been difficult to handle criticism in a calm and cool manner. But experience has taught me, the best way to handle criticism is to first listen with your head and the heart. Just listen. Don't jump into any conclusions. If you need more time, take more time.

Most important is to understand how to treat criticism. Listen to it. Don't react. Take your time. Then respond.

If you disagree, share your disagreement with respect. If you are going ahead with your decision, despite the criticism be clear as to why are doing it. If the person who criticised your view is senior to you, explain why you are going ahead.

Finally treat criticism objectively, just as an alternate point of view, that you must consider before taking a decision. The trick is not to personalise it or treat as a comment on your decision making ability.

PS: I am quite happy to read your alternate views on how to handle criticism.

* Frustrated with the use of the expression 'on the one hand this on the other hand that', a client said 'we must cut off one hand and see what happens.'

* I once read a joke about "On the one hand this, on the other hand that...". Apparently a boss hated fence sitters. So he threatened to cut off one hand of anyone who used 'on the one hand this, on the other hand' that.