How I identified 2 red flags that I would have missed.

I after I finally had the courage to leave my 10 year emotionally neglectful relationship, I decided I didn't want to get into the same situation again.

So I made sure of that by hiring a coach.?

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I hired Claire The heartbreak coach and she guided me on my dating journey.

This story is from a guy I dated before I met my now partner.?

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I dated a guy who I really, really liked. But there were a few red flags that I actually wouldn't have caught on my own because I was too googly eyed at the time.?

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RED FLAG 1?

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He didn't make solid plans with me, he always texting last minute to say, “I'll be there in 20 minutes” or “Let's go do something in like a half an hour.”?

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I didn't like this because I like to have time to get ready and plan my day. I hated how I was dropping things I was doing to meet him.?

I talked to my coach about this, and she said I needed to directly ask him for what I wanted.. What a concept. Seems simple right??

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Not something I had even considered lol (Something that was hard for me to do)... asking for what I needed.

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So I did. I said, “Hey, I love spending time with you but I really would like to have some notice and some plans a few days ahead of time so I know what we're doing..do you think you could do that?”

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He said, “Okay, yeah, no problem. Cool.”??

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And in that moment, he made a plan. “He said, How about Tuesday? We go to the beach after work.”?

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“Yay, Great, that sounds awesome.”?

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Thank you! I was appreciative of him hearing me.?

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That was the first and last time he ever made a plan more than an hour in advance again.?

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After that, it went back to? “Hey, what are you doing in an hour? Want to meet me at Browns in like 10 minutes.”?

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That was just him. That's who he was.?

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So I took charge and started making the plans before he had a chance to spring things on me last minute, & that seemed to work.?

I knew we had a plan, he always said yes, and he always showed up. I thought…?

“Yeah, I can make that work. He's not a plan maker. I am. I can make that work, right? I should do that because that’s what I want.”

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So that was the first thing. I was like, Okay, we resolved that I can live with that.

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But then RED FLAG 2

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There was a second red flag, and this one wasn’t as easy to solve…?

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I realized I wasn't really sure where I stood with him.

I didn’t know how he felt about me.??

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He always said yes to everything I suggested. He seemed happy enough, and when I said, let’s make a date at the beach, he brought picknicky things and the Dark Matter beer that he knew I liked…??

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He also did sweet things like keeping almond milk for his fridge because he knew I liked it.?

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And so I thought, “Yay, he does like me. This is going well, right?”?

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But then I couldn’t ignore the feeling of…

“I'm still not feeling it like, I don’t know where he stands.” And It was bothering me.?

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He had never actually said in words ANYTHING.

He had shown me with actions.

This was about two months into the relationship.?

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And so this is where my coach said: “You got to ask him how he feels about you as soon as you start wondering that yourself”?

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And I said, “No way! I don't want to do that! What if he if assumes I’m looking for an “I love you” or something! When I’m really not!”?

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“What if he thinks I’m crazy or being pushy or needy”?

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And she said, “Well, it's totally up to him what he says, but you gotta ask him” (Again, asking for what I needed was hard and unfamiliar).??

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I got up the courage to ask him, and this is where things became ugly yet clear.?

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We were sitting on the couch in his living room and I said:

“So I was just wondering how do you feel about me? I'm just curious.”?

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And he said, “I've already told you.”?

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I’m like… “Umm I'm sure I would remember. Can you please remind me and tell me again?” Smiling trying not to be a bother but still wanting an answer ??

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He got visibly upset, put his hand on his forehead, and said, “No, I've already told you!”? In a very disgruntled tone.?

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I said: “Look maybe you did, and I don’t remember, could you please just humor me and tell me again?”?

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Then he waved the biggest brightest red flag in my face:

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He got up from the couch, started walking away and muttered: “I can't deal with this right now.”?

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And in that moment, sitting by myself in his living room. I knew that as much as I liked this guy, as much as I thought he was incredibly attractive and successful, and I wanted to be with him so badly.?

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I knew he was not the person for me.?

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Because the person for me would never do that, and this was the preview of what was to come.?

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So at that moment, I gathered my things and left.?

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I grieved, I cried, I felt the loss.

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However: VERY IMPORTANT if I had not gotten that insistent nudge from my coach to ASK him directly how he felt about me, I would have stayed in that relationship for months, who knows, maybe even years longer.?

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I would have fallen into my old patterns easily. Trying to make him happy, apologizing for asking the question, doubting myself, believing that I did something wrong, begging him to forgive me, and doing any over the top gesture to get him to cheer up and forget it! So he’d think I was “cool” again, and I could feel validated.?

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But I could now see that accepting his emotionally shut down behavior, from a harmless question, was not an option for the version of me who was in a relationship with an emotionally mature man.

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It’s like I was wearing a prescription of glasses that let me see CLEAR. And I did not like what I was seeing.?

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I did not leave a 10 year relationship that made me feel like I was always a problem, to enter another one just like it.

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I was more than ready for someone who was able to talk about their feelings openly and didn't have things to hide, and didn't shut down at a question that he didn't know how to articulate an answer for in the moment.?

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I was I was ready for that kind of man, and I knew that more than ever now.?

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And that single move… Changed my life and fast. It opened up the space for the man who was able to answer any question I had, no matter how hard or personal or challenging, the man who was able to talk about his feelings, even if he didn't know what they were yet, or even if I asked him an off guard question, he could sit and think about the question and formulate an honest answer.?

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And if he didn't know right away, he would come back with the answer a few hours later.?

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If I hadn't have had a good coach nudge me and push me into doing the hard thing, I never would have the relationship that I have now.

Or it would have taken me YEARS longer to find it and a lot more pain and pitfalls.

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And I write this, because so many of you are allowing this kind of treatment from employers.?

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You're allowing people to treat you like this first guy treated me, you're allowing them to kind of just not answer your questions or give you wishy washy answers, or not give you what you know you're ready for.

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This is called unintentionally ignoring red flags.?

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And I understand because I would have done the same without someone steering me the right way.??

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Because I was really feeling things for this guy, I thought he was super attractive. I was like “Oh my goodness. I can't believe he likes me.”?

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He was like… the popular guy in school that never would have looked at me.?

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So it felt like such a big deal.?

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Kind of like a lot of you look at the opportunities, you're like, oh my god, this is such an attractive opportunity.?

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When is an opportunity like this going to come along again? What if it never comes along? What if I'm alone forever??? ?

And that is not true, because what you actually do when you say no to those opportunities that you know are not right for you is you are opening up space for the new opportunity that is right for you.?

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You are creating something new for yourself, and you are wiring yourself up in your brain to say, “Hey, I deserve better. I will get better.”?

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And I can't tell you the man that showed up for me now.

He's the most amazing communicator, and he has such a high emotional intelligence that he could coach me and sometimes he does, and it's just the most amazing dynamic that I was totally ready for, and I knew that.?

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So if you know that you're ready for something more, something bigger, I hope this shows you and gives you belief that it is available for you, and that you your job is to make space for it and say no to the ones that are not aligned with you, especially when it's challenging.?

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Because you can’t be present and ready for a great opportunity if your energy is consumed with something emotionally deficient.?

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A coach can really help you steer in the direction you're going and not let you get distracted on the path by very pretty things that you might really want on the surface, but deep down, make you feel very lonely like that man would have if I had stayed with him.?

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So thank you for reading, and I invite you show up for the 3 day training where I'm going to be teaching you THE insights I teach my clients on how to quickly bypass the sub-par opportunities and get to the good ones.?

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Here’s your link!

-Natalie