How I FEEL About Turning 50...

Yesterday, I turned 50 years old.

FIFTY! A full HALF CENTURY!

And when I look back, I can see how I’ve landed right here, in the place I am today, smack dab in the midst of this thing called “my life”. And I couldn't feel more at home.

Milestone birthdays are especially special because their bigness helps us remember that it’s the littlest things in life that make this thing so beautiful.

A kind word.

A great conversation.

A warm hug.

A knowing look.

A cozy fire.

A comfy couch.

A hot mug of coffee.

Morning snuggles.

Moonlit walks.

Belly laughs.

Sharing this life for the last 13 years with my beloved Roger, the one person I trust with my whole heart, is my dream come true. Nothing else matters as much as this one relationship, this blessing, this love. I am safe inside those arms, my tears flow freely, resting in the knowledge that they won’t be mocked or minimized. The work we’ve done to arrive at this place inspires me and I am proud of us and all we’ve done to get here. The gift of this relationship will never be taken for granted; I know how lucky I am.

And I know that the more grateful I am, the luckier I become.

With that in mind, I wanted to document 5 truths I’ve uncovered over my 50 year journey that have helped me to calm down, smarten up and live this ONE life I’ve been given with the kind of gratitude and appreciation that helps me to relish the experience of being here.

I’d love to share them with you.

I’ve arrived at 50 feeling so much love, compassion and empathy for the child and young adult I’ve been and feeling so much gratitude and pride for the woman I’m still becoming. 50 feels different than I thought it would, and what I’m learning is that aging is… strange. We don’t feel ourselves aging, we don’t wake up one day with a set of symptoms, we can’t point to anything and say, “ah, that’s just my aging acting up again, it’ll pass in a minute…”

Aging just IS and it’s happening to each and every one of us, every single moment of our lives, whether we want it to or not, whether we like it or not, whether we acknowledge it or not, whether we “fight the signs” of it or not. Right now, in this very moment, we are older than we were a moment ago. And so it goes, moment after moment, hour after hour, day after day, month after month, year after year, decade after decade, until we DIE.

It’s that simple.

In order to be ALIVE, we must AGE. This is Truth #1.

We don’t get to bypass aging (and we shouldn’t want to) because getting older, if we are paying attention, means we’re getting wiser. It means we’ve made mistakes and learned from them. It means we know things that can help us – and others, avoid unnecessary pain. It means we’ve loved and lost and failed and won and tried and learned.

But here’s another hard truth: we (and especially women) in this culture aren’t as afraid of aging as much as we’re afraid of LOOKING old. That’s the frustrating thing; all that life-living and learning we’re doing SHOWS on our bodies and our faces and while we can do wonders with a healthy lifestyle and good sun protection, we can’t avoid the inevitable no matter how many procedures we get done or how much money, time and effort we spend trying to erase the signs.

And I GET it.

As someone with a history of measuring her worth through her appearance, it’s taken almost everything in me to avoid getting needles in my face. You see, it can be a slippery slope for anyone, but as a woman with a history of addiction, it’s too risky for me. I know I’d want more, more, more. So, instead, I remind myself that aging is a privilege denied to many, and I don’t want to waste too much of my precious time here worrying about every birthday, every grey hair, every brown spot, line or wrinkle, and instead, I want to age in a way that feels good on the INSIDE, which then gets reflected on the OUTSIDE.

AGE or DIE.

Once we make peace with that, I think the whole ride gets a lot more fun.

Here’s truth #2:

Life

Is

HARD.

Full stop.

And it’s HARD because it’s SUPPOSED to be hard. This isn’t to say that we need to stay in painful or dangerous situations, but if you’ve ever watched a nature show, you’ll see how this thing works; survival is not for the faint of heart! Only the strong survive.

Once I recognized that NO ONE was coming to save me, I went about the business of facing my demons, healing my wounds, soothing my emotions and designing my life in a way that felt real and worthwhile and meaningful. I needed to get out of my own way to let me, help me.

And what I’ve come to deeply understand is Truth #3: that my life is always, always supporting me; urging me towards my highest good, pushing me out of my comfort zone so that I must learn to fly. Once I recognized that my life was always going to be there, guiding me where I’m meant to go, everything shifted. I saw my life as an ally and a guide. I became more open to change. I responded to “crises” in very different ways, I began to see opportunities where I used to see threats and I recognized that every single one of the people placed on my path were my teachers; even the ones (especially the ones) whose lessons were painful to learn.

Truth #4. I used this line as the closing statement of each and every episode of my talk show because it’s helped me so much in my life: “No matter where you are and no matter how it feels, you are never, ever alone.” Every single one of us has carried weights, been dealt blows, suffered and been hurt. We’ve each felt shame, guilt, embarrassment, humiliation. We’ve all loved and lost, grieved and pleaded, suffered and numbed. Remember, life is HARD. And knowing that it’s hard for others, too, has helped lighten my own load, reminded me that I’m not broken, allowed me to feel SEEN and showed me that our vulnerability is our greatest strength.

Truth #5: As we covered in Truth #1, we can’t avoid aging. Each second we are here, we are getting older. But being ALIVE is not the same as LIVING. I can say with 100% certainty that I was alive for 29 years before I truly started living. I’d been wandering around on autopilot, drifting through life, going through the motions of human-ing, but without evolving. If I look over my twenties, it was Groundhog Day in many ways; repeating the same patterns and behaviors on a loop until LIFE had had enough. It had been trying to speak to me in whispers (in the form of problems). It got louder with a few bricks on the side of the head (in the form of crises), but it wasn’t until life got so fed up that it needed to tear the whole wall down (in the form of my entire life blowing up) that I had no choice but to pay attention.

Addiction was my way IN.

Recovery has been my way THROUGH.

When I read ‘Daring Greatly’ by Brené Brown and took in Theodore Roosevelt’s famous words (a quick google search will lead you to his speech referred to as, ‘The Man in The Arena’), I recognized that for most of my life, I hadn’t even been in the ring. I’d been standing on the sidelines of my life, afraid to actually try for fear of failing, for fear of being mocked or ridiculed, shamed or criticized.

FEAR kept me sick and stuck and small for most of my life, and over the years, I’ve made it my mission to never shrink again; to face my fears head on and to make something beautiful with this gift I get to call my own.

This awe-inspiring, roller coaster ride of an adventure is more than I ever dreamed possible and I am so excited for the rest because I truly believe that at 50 years young, I am JUST getting started.

If my words have landed in a particular way, if they’ve caused you to pause for even the briefest of moments, then I am so grateful to be sharing my milestone birthday with YOU. Thank you for being here.

I will leave you with these beautiful words strung together by poet F.E. Marie, who always seems to say what I need to hear at the exact right, perfect moment:

“I will tell you again and again: Choose the life you want and run in that direction. Don’t settle for anything else.”

Happy 50th birthday, Sarah Jane.

I love you.

Keep going…

xoS