How I Exited a WhatsApp Group

It is the kind of conversation most of us dread. To have to tell some dear friend that you aren't going to be able to make time for the conversation they want to have with you. But in this case, for me, it was worse - I was going to have to announce this publicly to a hundred friends at the same time. Twice over.

A few weeks ago, I was recruited into a WhatsApp group that was recently launched by my college buddies. And then, a few days later, another WhatsApp group was launched by my school buddies. An intriguing coincidence of timing that suddenly destroyed my fragile social media equilibrium.

We all have our love-hate relationship with social media. We want to engage and connect and share and learn and debate - and yet there are times we yearn for a simpler, uncluttered routine every day so we can be creative and think deeply and stay focused.

"It is astonishing as well as sad, how many trivial affairs even the wisest thinks he must attend to in a day; how singular an affair he thinks he must omit. When the mathematician would solve a difficult problem, he first frees the equation of all incumbrances, and reduces it to its simplest terms. So simplify the problem of life, distinguish the necessary and the real. Probe the earth to see where your main roots run."

Henry David Thoreau

After the initial euphoria of encountering old familiar faces and the recounting of memories, I realized it was time for me to get back to my simpler existence. I had to pull the plug on these WhatsApp group chats. I cared deeply for my fellow school and college mates, but I could not afford, at this stage of my life, daily engagement with their worlds. I was finding the WhatsApp messages pulled me in, even if I wanted to stay away, and then a rich canvas of thoughts and feelings would arise, and a precious five minutes of my life would fritter away. I admire those who are more disciplined than me, or who are more efficient than me, but I am quite clear about my own limits.

It was not an easy decision. These are people I have shared much affection with, who I hold dear to my heart, who have been leading lives of great accomplishment, and who have such thought-provoking things to say about the affairs of today. And yet, I could not afford the distraction of a vibrant WhatApp group chat.

So I had to have a conversation - with a hundred of my school friends, and a hundred of my college friends. How do I tell them I cannot participate in their WhatsApp revelry?

I turned for guidance to the toolkit we've developed at our Institute for Personal Leadership, on Mastering Difficult Conversations. I needed every one of these tools today to find my authentic voice and to steer this conversation to the right outcome.

The result was beautiful. I got myself to respectfully exit the groups. And yet there was a lot of warmth and support in my school and college buddies' response, which made it that much more difficult - and that much more the right thing for me to do.

I miss my school and college buddies. Dearly. But I would miss my purposeful life even more if I was chatting with these hundred special people in WhatsApp right now. Twice over.

So if you are ever faced with the same predicament - an aspiration to simplify your life and exit respectfully from some digital magnet of social ferment - then perhaps my message below may provide some assurance and guidance that it can be done, in a warm and connected manner, and you can get to shape the boundaries of your social media life.

Here's my WhatsApp message to my buddies.

Hi All. It is so wonderful to see old friends here and recapture old memories. I am much looking forward to being able to attend one of our reunions some day. 

I hope your lives have progressed in very special ways since we all left school. And that your loved ones and you are doing well. It is hard to believe our journeys have taken us so far, and yet the memories are so fresh, and the affection so strong.

For me, the last 15 years have been infused with a growing awareness about the passing nature of life and all its chapters. I have found myself asking, "What will our legacy be? What will I think about my life at the moment I am facing death?" Not in a morbid kind of way, but as a way to push myself to a clearer purpose for the days that lie ahead. It has been a very eye opening and rewarding journey so far. I am hopeful that in your own ways, you are all laying the foundations for a life well lived.

So I will hope to see you at one of our reunions, and will stay in touch with [Name] to learn about when these happen from time to time.

I will take myself out of this WhatsApp group soon. I do it with strong mixed feelings since I am so happy to see us all connect. And yet, I tend to lead a more focused life now, and at present, I am seeking to recapture my time to work on a book. Pray for me, and I will for all of you too.

Much love and a big hug to each of you.

Hitendra

If I had to distill into one core idea this story of my agony about how to exit the group and the outcome I arrived at, here it is, so beautifully expressed by Maya Angelou:

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Maya Angelou