How I Deal With Stress

“The Obstacle in the path becomes the path. Never forget, within every obstacle is an opportunity to improve our conditions.”- Ryan Holiday, The Obstacle Is The Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Adversity to Advantage.

We’ve all been through difficult situations, where it felt like our lungs were trying to strangle us, our thoughts were paralyzing, our limbs were shaking, and our heart felt like it was going to explode right through our chests. Have you felt like this before? I have. Here’s some little hacks I’ve learned from life to help you confront obstacles and deal with stress.

Before we go any further, the first thing you need to know about the brain is that there are two systems, the “thinking” brain and the “feeling” brain. Jonathan Haidt coined the analogy of the “elephant” and the “rider”. The elephant represents the “feeling” brain and the rider represents the “thinking” brain. Now, imagine a spooked elephant and a rider trying to control it, not going to happen, right? That being said; the best way for a rider to control the elephant is to be aware of the elephant’s behavior and proactively work to calm the elephant before it gets beyond the rider’s control.

Here’s the challenge with the rider. He likes to focus on the problem, rather than the solution. For the rider, their default is the problem. That’s why it’s critical that you give the rider a simple path to shift their perspective to the solution, so they’re confident in directing the elephant.

Let’s start with identifying as the first step to help you control that elephant!

Identify- When you notice that unnerving feeling of stress or anxiety, stop and acknowledge it. Help your rider to look toward the solution.

Remember your brain is wired for survival. This is a good thing. In the past, that meant there was danger nearby, like a saber-toothed tiger (as Mel Robbins describes it in her book, “The 5 Second Rule”). This is your body preparing you to be stronger, faster, and focused. The great news is; yes, I said “great”, there’s probably not a saber-toothed tiger nearby, and most likely you’re not going to be mauled alive by a prehistoric predator with gigantic teeth. The bad news is there’s a part of your brain that doesn’t know that.

Okay, now that you’ve acknowledged the proverbial saber-toothed tiger. Your “elephant” brain, let’s call him Dumbo, wants to protect you. He wants you to run or fight. These reactions have been downloaded into our brains over many years.

Back to Dumbo. Since there’s no saber-toothed tiger nearby, you don’t run, you don’t hide, you don’t fight. You just repeat the words, “I’ll be okay” or “there’s nothing to worry about” but Dumbo won’t listen. He’s still trying to prepare you for survival. He starts laying out strategies and possible outcomes. Remember, he wants you to survive. He preps you for the absolute worst-case scenario possible and hits the repeat button. The more you try to ignore him, the louder he roars.

When Dumbo roars, listen to him and breathe.

“The job of your stress system is to keep you safe and alive not to kill you. The symptoms of anxiety are uncomfortable, but they are not dangerous. You have my word as a doctor – this adrenaline rush will not kill you.”

― Barry McDonagh, Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks Fast

 The Power of Burpees and Push-ups…

Do fifty Burpees, or a one hundred push-ups- Get that energy out. Here’s the thing, Dumbo isn’t that smart, he doesn’t know the difference between 100 push-ups or battling that saber-toothed tiger. He doesn’t know words, he knows feelings. By exercising, you’re tricking the brain into thinking that you’re fighting or running. From a science perspective you’re releasing the hormone, cortisol. I heard Dr. Jordan Peterson talk about how he was watching two ducks during a confrontation. Afterward, both ducks swam away and shook out their energy, then appeared totally calm, like nothing happened.

Sometimes, even a duck can be a teacher.

Breathe

Congratulations, you just brawled with a saber-toothed tiger and survived! Dumbo’s proud of you! Yet, he’s still a little worried, but too tired to pump adrenaline into you, so his roar is softer. Acknowledge his roar, until it becomes a chirp. How do you do this? Breathe! I once asked a sniper from the Navy Seals how he prepared right before the critical moment? He replied, “by breathing”. The goal is to exhale longer than your inhale.

We’re all unconsciously competent when it comes to breathing, so it doesn’t get the respect it deserves. You can do it in different ways, here’s how I like to do it…

Breathe in through your nose, filling your belly first, then bring the air into your lungs-do this while counting to four.

Hold the air in your lungs and count to seven.

Exhale through your mouth while counting to eight.

I like to do this at least 3 times. I learned this process from a podcast called, Meditation Mini’s with Chel Hamilton. She’s amazing! She has brief meditations centered around virtually any topic you can think of. She’s also a hypnotherapist so she’s got a unique strategy with meditation.

Also, a little tip I learned while listening to Sam Harris, was to look up while your eyes are closed. The focus it takes to do this will help your thoughts subside. Imagine as if you’re underwater and your thoughts are like bubbles floating around you. Sit there and let the bubbles be until they pop or vanish, all the while focusing on your breathing.

More proof…I train Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and one of the best lessons I’ve learned through training is when things get rough and I’m about to get choked or I’m in danger, I stop and breathe, even if it’s just an inhale through my nose for 2 seconds and a 4 second exhale. Breathing counteracts the natural panic response. The thing about martial arts is when you panic, you lose. In Jiu-Jitsu many of the best techniques feel counter-intuitive to your instincts and that’s why so many people say Jiu-Jitsu has changed their life. To be great at Jiu-Jitsu means to practice self-mastery.

 Cold Showers & Wim Hof Method

As a child, when I felt angry, stressed, or sad I would take a cold shower. Cold showers are like pressing the “reset” button on your endorphins. When you’re cold, your mind shuts off. I got this idea from a man named, Wim Hof. Wim Hof also has a breathing technique aptly named, “The Wim Hof” method. This breathing technique was my gateway to meditation. When you’re practicing this method your so focused on the breathing and counting that it’s hard to think about anything else. If you do it correctly, that energy will fill feel like a rush throughout out your body and is euphoric.

Perspective

Life is about perspective. Try to envision your life as a lesson. When things happen to you, ask yourself what can I learn from this? I heard Buddhist, Jack Kornfield say, “A Bodhi Svaha will say let’s see how we can use this so it’s not happening to us, but so that it’s happening for us.” This is also the 1st habit in the, “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R. Covey. Habit one, is to be Proactive, which means we have the power to be responsible for our own lives because of the choices we make. This is one of the reasons why Viktor Frankl's book, "Man's Search For Meaning" is so powerful.

CBT- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy-Techniques

I’m not a therapist, nor have I ever experienced a CBT session, but I was introduced to it while reading, “The Coddling of The American Mind”, by Jonathan Haidt and Greg Lukianoff. I won’t go deep into this because I’m not a professional, but you can read it about it here. My biggest takeaway was learning about Cognitive Distortions and identifying when they were evident when thinking about a stressful experience. “Cognitive Distortions can be described as inaccurate thoughts that reinforce negative thought patterns or emotions.” These tools help identify what might be going on and provide a relationship to the experience you’re having with a past experience that led you to associate similar emotions with it.

I can’t emphasize the importance of identifying the moment you start to feel stressed and acknowledging it. This is critical, because you must confront it. Research shows that when you voluntarily confront a the challenge your cortisol levels drop! That means you actually get less stressed!

One of the most powerful books I’ve ever read was, “On Becoming A Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy ” by Carl Rogers. He believed that the purpose of therapy was to help the patient identify when their experience was distorted by their own beliefs and to differentiate the truth from fiction. This is incredibly powerful, because we all have the truth and the stories, we tell ourselves about the experience. Usually, the story we tell ourselves is based on previous experiences that may inhibit us from living our best life. To me, the best I can do when I’m stressed or experiencing anxiety is to identify it, breathe, and ask myself what’s really going on? Am I associating this event with something that hasn’t happened? Is my mind automatically going to the worst possible scenario? Am I feeling this way because of an experience? What about this experience is true and what blind spots am I supplementing the experience with? Finally, what can I learn from this?

If these ideas don’t work, try this- go do something for someone else. Find someone to be a role model for and demonstrate to them how to behave in difficult situations. This single act got me through multiple very difficult situations.

“Life isn't as serious as the mind makes it out to be.”

― Eckhart Tolle