How I Deal with Fear as a Leader and Entrepreneur
TLDR
Fear is normal and important. We have fear to keep us alive. We need it almost as much as we need food and water.
Don't Call Me Fearless
My team used to call me their "fearless leader." It just happened in a blog , too. I asked them to stop.?
You might wonder why. Doesn't everyone want to be considered fearless? Isn't it a compliment?
While I know it was meant as a compliment and I was never offended by it, I felt that it was a lie. And as someone who struggles with Imposter Syndrome, adding another untruth was something that didn't sit well with me.
Because you see, I am full of fear. I don't always know what I am doing. I do what I feel is right based on experience and knowledge, and then I hope for the best. Sometimes that works out for me, and sometimes it doesn't.
Failures can come at a great cost, but I take the opportunity to learn and I try to do better next time. Other times, things work out really well—I still take key learnings and grow.?
But to say I am fearless is dangerous. It suggests that to do the things that I have done you have to have some special power that removes fear. I am afraid. Everyone is afraid. Well, everyone except those who have issues with their amygdala (the fear/emotion center in the brain); think Alex Hannold in Free Solo. (His MRI results. )
Sometimes my fear takes over. What will happen if I do this? Or what will people think if I do that? Will I be able to keep the company alive? Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Will my kids be ok? Am I going to be able to pay my bills?
The truth is, I am riddled with fear and anxiety. Sometimes it impacts my sleep. (Sometimes? Err...all the time.)
BUT, fear is normal and important. We have fear to keep us alive. We need it almost as much as we need food and water.
[PULLQUOTE]"If your dreams do not scare you, they are not big enough." Ellen Johnson Sirleaf (1938)[PULLQUOTE]
What is fear?
For me, fear is the great call to adventure. It is the call to go into the unknown, full of fear, knowing/hoping that you have what you need to face whatever comes at you. And if you don't have what you need, knowing/hoping you can acquire what you need. That people will show up in your life to help you. That you are strong enough, even in your darkest moments, to make it through. Remembering it is not a race. These things take time. But there is a great reward.
The hard truth here is that many people don't want to do the work of going into the unknown. They want to stay comfortable. Even if that comfort means stagnation. Most people would rather complain about their life than get uncomfortable.
I've made friends with discomfort. I've made friends with the unknown. I had no choice because the alternative life—the one where I go to my 9-5 and make my salary and come home and eat dinner and go to bed and go to my 9-5 again the next day, where I get my 2-4 weeks of vacation every year—that life…that is death to me.
I am not judging those who do it. To each their own. But for me, that is not an option. I am also not saying that having a secure 9-5 job eliminates fear, anyways. In fact, I am sure it doesn’t.?
To be clear, I am certain I would have made a lot more money on that path. I would have had a lot less stress. But I would have missed out on so many adventures. So much of what life had/has to offer me.
My Current Fear
As I sit here writing this I am in another position of deep fear. I have really been going through it for some time now: 6 months. And it isn’t showing signs of improvement.
Someone I trusted betrayed me and my company in the most sinister way. This person continues to do so, taking so much and being dishonest. I have to make choices almost every day as to the best way to handle situations that come up. Decisions that could impact the stability of my company and my financial future.
Make no mistake, I am afraid. But I am following my instinct to do what I believe is right. I have never been in this circumstance; it is completely uncharted water for me. I have to trust the people around me, listen to their advice, and then I have to make the choices. This is 100% on me in the end. My future, my team's future, and my company's future depends on it.
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What To Do With Fear
But, here is the main point: it isn't about NOT having fear. It's about what you DO with that fear. It's about facing the fear and finding the courage to do the right thing.
Full transparency, I have times when I am nearly paralyzed by it. That usually happens when I am really tired. The darkness rolls in, and it can be so dark. The deepest darkest cave, full of self-doubt and judgment. Sometimes full of self-loathing.
The only thing I can tell you about these moments is to not fight them; let them flow over you. Feel them. Really feel them. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to be scared. It's ok to be angry. It's ok.
You can’t stay in that place, though. I used to allow myself about three days to feel those emotions. At the moment, I don’t have room to allow myself three hours. That isn’t an exaggeration.?
In fact, the other day I received a message; it was actually very kind and supportive. But it also brought me face-to-face with the reality of my current fears. I took three minutes. I felt it. I cried. My stomach hurt. Shit, everything hurt. It was 6:45AM—I had a full day of work ahead of me. I couldn’t give up three hours for this. So, three minutes. Then I moved on.?
But, HOW do I move on??
I find healthy ways to deal. Healthy is the key word here, people. It's not about escaping or pretending the thing you are afraid of doesn’t exist. It’s about finding the inner strength to take the next right step. You don’t have to take big steps. You just need to take steps.?
I also find comfort in watching shows that I have watched a million times. Thank you, Parks and Recreation! The theme song from this show truly acts as a lullaby to me.?
When those moments and feelings start attacking me, I know that feeling those feelings is the only way they will pass. I have a tattoo on my back that says, "This too shall pass" to remind me that everything passes. I think I am pretty clever because the tattoo is on my back—therefore it is already behind me.
What I know is that the only constant is change. Whatever you are feeling today will pass and change tomorrow or the next day. So, allow yourself to feel the darkness. Then, slowly and carefully start moving through it to find that light.
Don’t give up.
The other pro-tip that I have for you, and that is perhaps acting as a reminder to me, is don’t give up. When you feel like you want to give up, rest. Then, when you are ready, get back to facing the fears and doing the hard work.?
So many people give up when they should have just taken a rest. I recently almost gave up on my current fear. Then I remembered, I just need to rest. Which I literally have to schedule time for, otherwise I won’t do it. But instead of giving up and walking away from something important to me, I give it all a rest by taking time to rest.?
Here’s what I know.
I built this company from nothing 25 years ago. In those 25 years, we have faced many ups and downs. Many times when I wasn't sure we would make it. So, I have also rebuilt this company many times as well. What I know is that I can do it again. No matter what I face, or who does what to me, I can rebuild.
I have the vision, the passion, and the drive to do so. It has been inside of me all along. I just need to step into my ruby slippers and click my heels together...and then do the hard work of rebuilding.
If you can find the vision, the passion, and the drive inside of you, then you will find the courage to face the things you fear.
Pro-tip:
When someone does something terrible to you, like what this person has done to me and my company, allow it to fuel your vision, passion, and drive. There is no greater revenge than success and happiness. Those people who show up in your life to hurt you and steal from you, they are really there to teach you. Learn from them. Do not allow them to take your heart—because that is where your magic comes from. The world needs your vision, passion, and drive.
So go, be full of fear. ALL OF THE FEAR! And find the courage inside of you. Trust me, you'll be happier and more successful because of it.?
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