How I Control Anger

I'm often told and usually it's said with a mixture of admiration and envy: "You are lucky, you are so calm, I wish I was the same unemotional." I would like to explain to such people that there is a difference between emotionality and expressiveness, but most likely they still won't get it.

In fact, I am very emotional, but I think usually there is no point in showing your emotions. For example, what's the point of yelling at someone? Will it improve your relationship or will it allow you to achieve your goal?

Yes, I won't demonstrate my emotions to the whole world, but it doesn't mean that I don't feel anything. As well as vice versa. There are people who are very explosive, but inside they may not feel that so strong. For example, they can weep their eyes out and then immediately forget about it.

Those who know me a little better, and perhaps saw me once in anger, are afraid of me and believe that people like me become maniacs.

A friend of mine and I once watched a funny movie Anger Management. In one of the dialogues, Dr. Buddy Rydell (Jack Nicholson) said: "Let me explain something to you, Dave. There are two kinds of angry people in this world: explosive and implosive. Explosive is the kind of individual you see screaming at the cashier for not taking their coupons. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and finally shoots everyone in the store. You're the cashier."

The friend laughed so hard and said that I was exactly that cashier.

In fact, anyone can become that cashier if they suppress their anger. And I do not suppress anger, I control it.

I think all people get angry from time to time. This is natural, and there are always many reasons. A neighbor didn't greet you, someone cut you off on the highway, a colleague disagreed with your opinion, your husband left things lying around, etc.

I learned to control anger. The key word here is "learned." This can and should be learned.

• When I was little, my dad always told me: "Learn to separate work and emotions. You have a specific task, you need to complete it. What is your goal? Think about it. Emotions are not important here at all."
• Then seven years of martial arts. I not only trained my body but also disciplined my spirit. One of the most important principles of Taekwondo is self-control. Self-control is extremely important both in the gym and in everyday life. The loss of self-control during sparring can have very serious consequences for both opponents. When someone cannot get along within a team, this is often due to poor self-control. My two favorite Lao Tzu's quotes: "The best fighter is never angry." & "Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power."
• Then 15 years of yoga. I already wrote about yoga and what I learned from it. If it's not for yoga and taekwondo, I would be a completely different person. The most important thing in yoga is breathing. Having learned to breathe more consciously and deeper in difficult asanas on the mat, I transferred this skill into my daily life. This is especially helpful in anger. Anger provokes a state of autonomic arousal. In this state, the heart begins to beat faster, the face turns pale or flushed, breathing quickens. Deep breathing can help neutralize anger.
• When anger hits me, I admit it. "Yes, I'm angry right now." Never suppress anger. It will eat you from the inside out. If you judge yourself for anger, then you will become more frustrated. Don't deny it. Admit your anger and don't judge yourself. The main goal now is to understand what's going on.
• Ask yourself, "Are you in danger now?" If so, act with urgency.
• In all other cases, it is better to wait for it to pass. When we are angry, the brain is captured by this emotion and we cannot think of anything else. It is difficult for us to reason logically. Therefore, in anger, I do nothing and try to distract myself ― I go for a walk, watch a stand-up show, meditate.
• When the storm passed over and I've calmed down a bit, I prefer to discuss the situation with someone I trust. Firstly, it is easier for me to think about the subject when I speak about it. Secondly, a person will be able to look at the situation from the outside and it often turns out that this view is different from mine. I start talking about the situation as it is, sharing details and emotions without editing or analyzing. Then I take the situation apart. Finally, I discuss how to solve this problem. For example, 1) I asked my husband not to leave things lying around, I cleaned up the house, but he did it again ― apparently just to annoy me. 2) My husband left things lying around ― that's a fact, but why did I decide that it was done on purpose. How do I know what I know? What if he was lost in thought or was not feeling well? Maybe I should ask how he is doing? 3) Maybe we should hire a cleaning service? Then I won't think that my husband doesn't respect my work when the house is a mess again. And we can spend some time together while a cleaner is working.

Don't let anger rule you. Anger takes a lot of energy. The stress caused by it can destroy the body. Excessive aggression, both expressed and suppressed, increases the risk of cardiovascular disease. In addition, it is difficult to think clearly when the mind is clouded with rage, and the adrenaline is off scale.

Anger itself is not bad, but we must be able to control it so that it does not poison our lives and our relationships with others.