How I Became a Writing Coach and Achieved MAXIMUM PRODUCTIVITY (Satire)

Back in November, I emerged out of my COVID hole with some prose, ready to publish on Medium. Or so I thought. I was about to learn a cruel lesson. Writing has changed since I won the local dairy farm’s poetry contest at the age of nine.

The point of writing is now to produce at least 3200 articles/business quarter telling other people how to write, thus piquing their interest enough that you can grab them and throw them in the gaping maw of your hungry-hungry email list, neatly converting them to cash. You can then use that cash to become a permanent nuisance in a less well-off society with nice beaches.

I was ashamed. None of my writing was about how to write! I retreated into my cave and licked my wounds. I swore that I would prepare for this new world at any cost. How could I produce at this pace,?and?work as a teacher?

One month later, I’m happy to report that I’ve cracked the code! I’ve published 217 writing coach articles since Sunday, and I’m a digital nomad now! I’m going to share my productivity secrets with you. Here are the three steps I took. Implement them in your life now, or you’re not a writer.

You’re so lucky. I wish I were you, reading me right now.

Step 1) Eliminate ALL Distractions

If you want to become an overnight success as a writing coach, you are going to have to cut out TV, video games, food, people, and the idea of ever setting foot outside again.

When I decided to change my life, I went to the top of the Hoover Dam, smashed my phone to splinters with a rock, and threw the shards to the wind. Then I drove back to my school to tell my students “I’m chasing my dreams, haters!” before leaving forever.

This?is commitment.?Anything less is diarrhea in the face of your potential.

Step 2) Relocate

Sadly, even after freeing up my schedule, I was nowhere near maximum writing coach productivity. There were so many distractions stopping me from achieving my dreams! The neighbors paraded their children and dogs in front of my window willy-nilly, with no regard for my goals.

I needed more privacy. I hopped on Zillow and purchased a cabin on 732 Acres of pristine Yukon wilderness. It was blissful for the first week, but I still didn’t meet that elusive 200-article-a-week-goal. Birds kept chirping and flying through my field of vision.?Didn’t they know I was trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps?

I was ashamed, and I knew that everyone back home in my dojo would be ashamed of me too. I had to commit harder. I needed a real place to work.

Step 3) Design The Perfect Writing Space

I did what any reasonable man would do in my position. I bought 722,000 pounds of concrete and started digging under my cabin. I added a secret trapdoor so that I couldn’t be bothered in my new space.

I’m writing this on a specially made desk floating on a raft in the middle of a 50-foot wide sensory deprivation tank.?I’ve been in a flow state for 17 straight days. 17,000 people followed me today.

The entire cabin is surrounded by a 30-foot high electric fence (I had to build it after the elk kept shaking me out of flow by tripping the landmines).

Bliss.

Remember, if you don’t make these three changes,?you are not a writer.

Now join my email list.