How I became a working Mom: tips for parents-to-be, parents and their employers

Our son turned 1 year-old last week-end. Time flies (especially for young parents always running around)! This milestone got me to reflect on my journey, and triggered me to capture my learnings (in a professional context) with the hope it may be useful for others - people leaders and women alike.

This post is rooted in my belief in the power of sharing personal experience. I am fighting the discomfort of exposing my thoughts, yet here I go!

Let me start from the conclusion.

(a) The most important is that you make it work for you - the pregnancy, the parental leave, the return to work. We are all different. Do what it takes so it feels right for you!

(b) You will receive lots of (unsolicited) advice. Take it if it helps, leave it if it does not. There is not one single story or vision of success, especially in those moments.

(c) Surround yourself with friends and colleagues that can relate, share their experience and be supportive. Nothing beats the empathy and sense of belonging!

(d) You are a role model. Share your story, what worked for you, your struggles, how you overcame them. It may not work for all, but it will be inspiring to some and give them permission to ask for help, do it differently and will slowly shift the work culture.

1. First things first, the pregnancy

The way you experience your pregnancy is unique, and evolves day by day.

What worked for me: I was lucky to feel good and healthy overall. My manager and team were very supportive.

What could have worked better: I had to find out about the admin of being pregnant by myself (how long the leave could be, what paperwork was required, all the things to do before leaving, the financial aspects of it, etc…).

Take-aways:

As a mother-to-be:

• Align on what you will do when you return and make sure you feel good about it: eg stay in current role, start something new or be open to new opportunities.
• Don't leave before you leave. Yes, you will be out for a couple of months, however it should not prevent you from raising your hand for a new role, or seizing arising opportunities.

?As an employer:

• For efficiency purpose, provide a guide to pregnancy admin, in line with local policies.
• Do not make assumptions on what a pregnant associate can deliver. Many women feel like they need to justify themselves - that they will stay engaged and won't drop balls until they go on maternity leave. Unless they say differently - the default assumption should be that they will keep performing.

2. The mat leave - you know it's not a holiday

What did not work for me:

In Belgium, it is common to work until the last day you are legally entitled (1 week before expected date of birth) to maximize the time off once the baby is born (14 weeks). One evening I closed my laptop, said bye to colleagues, and started my maternity leave. The morning after my baby was born - no time to rest or prepare, shortest pre-birth leave ever…

What worked for me:

Together with my partner, we talked about him taking a longer parental leave (vs legally entitled), even before the pregnancy started. I felt lucky that we could afford it financially and that he managed to take almost 3 months off. We spent quality time as a new family, got to know our son together, and it set basis for a balanced "share of care". The fact that the father or co-parent takes time off is unfortunately not so common, yet should be normalized and encouraged.

Finding a space at daycare was another challenge and source of stress (despite registering even before I announced my pregnancy to my parents). Yet, we ended up by securing one. One great advice I received was to anticipate the start of day care before the end of my leave, so we could all adapt to the new rhythm. This way we could go through the first baby sickness and decouple the emotions from being apart and restarting to work. It also felt great to have time for myself before diving back into work.

Take-aways:

?As a new parent:

• Align on your respective parental leaves with your partner early on and make sure you are both fine with it.
• If you are comfortable with it, keep the conversation going with manager / colleagues in your own terms.
• Anticipate the start of daycare if you can.

?As an employer:

• This is THE game changer when it comes to Equity, Inclusion and Diversity (EI&D): employers should carefully consider their parental leave policies, for their massive impact on the parents' and baby's wellbeing, and equity in the workplace moving forward. The local legal policies differ country to country, being more or less generous before and after birth - in term of duration and pay.
• Encourage the father / co-parent to take enough time-off, as a basis to equity (at home and in the workplace).

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3. The return to work - make it work for you!

At Mars:

I eased back into work gradually: I used holidays to work 3 days per week the first month, then 4 days per week the month after, before moving back to full-time. I took the time to re-adjust, meet again with colleagues, catch-up, and on-board into my new role. With a young baby at home and interrupted sleep at night, this helped me a lot.

I had been told to be choiceful in what I could and could not do, and it proved to be helpful. More than once, I felt overwhelmed by my own expectations towards being too demanding (and surely higher than what my manager or peers or team had). It took me some effort and discussions with friends to take a step back and let it go.

I needed to adjust the way I worked, driving towards more efficiency and protecting some thinking time. While I am still having meetings most of the day, I cannot put anymore the deep focused uninterrupted work from 5 to 7PM as often as I used to... I am still experimenting there, piloting the "no meeting Fridays" concept.

I felt well supported by my new manager and peers, which meant a lot! One of the greatest things I discovered is the power of the (formal or informal) community of parents, sharing common experience or tips and tricks, and bringing some fun to my days. This feeling of belonging is precious.

At home:

We found our ways as a family with 2 working parents. After a while, we decided to get some help (eg daycare pick-up 2 times per week, a baby-sitting from time to time), and it made a big difference, creating some flexibility for work or leisure, and some peace of mind.?If you can afford it, go for it! Also, our families being in a different country, we started to build up our local support system and understand our options, for instance when our son is sick and should be kept at home (no - you cannot be highly productive with a baby or toddler around).

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Take-aways:

?As a working parent:

• Plan to come back gradually, check what "flexibility" options you have
• Manage your expectations towards yourself, which are likely to be higher than what the business expects of you when you restart: give yourself some space (and find a buddy to repeat that often to you)
• Be choiceful on what you can / cannot do
• Surround yourself with supportive and empathetic colleagues and friends. When the time is right, play this role for others.
• Get help at home
• Do not feel guilty for the choices you are making (whether it is working more, or spending more time at home)
• Figure out what your support system looks like

?As an employer:

• Be clear on your return to work policy
• Set guidelines on how managers can best support their returning associates.
• Provide the right level of support and re-assurance in the first months. New parents are juggling with many balls while being sleep deprived.

That's it in a nutshell! I am curious to hear about your experience and engage in discussions in the comments.