How I became the 'Simon Cowell' of career coaching

A client recently told me, "You're like the Simon Cowell of career coaching". The person who said it meant it as a compliment, but it took me back a little. Isn't Simon sort of the 'bad guy' on every talent show on TV? The other judges say a lot of rosy nice things to just about everybody, or if they have criticism, they water it down until it seems like a compliment. Then Simon cuts through it all with his often blunt, brusque, honest assessment and we cringe at home because...it feels awkward to watch someone give - and someone else receive - tough feedback, even when it is spot on.

I'm a kind, compassionate and passionate person. I'm a good listener and I care deeply about each one of my clients' progress and success. Also, I can't handle bullshit. I'm incapable of listening to it without calling it out and I absolutely refuse to dole it out myself. This personality trait didn't win me a ton of friends up the management chain during my corporate career, but it did attract a lot of intelligent, honest and ethical colleagues who became good friends. And, I found out it makes me a really effective coach.

Why? Because all of us tell ourselves stories about our circumstances. Our brains take in all the things happening around us and then process all of that stuff through our unique blend of experience, personality, brain chemicals, values, beliefs, self-esteem --and they blend together to form the meaning (and judgement) of what is happening. Once we put it through this filter (that we don't even notice), we think we know the 'truth' of what happened or what will happen. Well, sure. You know your truth, but it isn't the Truth.

As a coach, I don't know the Truth (as if that even exists) of my clients' situations either, but I can see when their interpretation of it is holding them back. I can see when it is a little too self serving, or not serving them at all. I can tell when they're lying to themselves and hence, to me. And I tell them about it. Not in an unkind way, but also not a watered down version either. Part of my job is to help them find alternative narratives that are just as true, or truer. It's a perspective that moves the conversation forward, instead of keeping them in the rut they don't want to be in anymore.

So yeah, while I was often labeled "negative" in my corporate life because I'd question authority or policies that I considered unethical or disingenuous, it turns out that I was just using my gifts in the wrong environment with the wrong people. For many years, the narrative I was telling myself went a little like, "Am I crazy, or is everyone else in this meeting crazy? Why aren't people saying anything or standing up to this BS?! Am I the only one who sees it, or am I just the only person dumb enough to question my boss in team meetings about it? I must say something!" (And then I would, and then inevitably my boss would take me aside or email me afterward and ask why I had to be so "negative" and tell me that he/she wished I could just stop asking so many questions and "get on board"). After awhile, I just accepted the idea that I was REALLY bad at being at being a compliant corporate worker and I would never advance very far, because I couldn't see a path for myself where I would start being okay with bullshitting about certain things. That narrative wasn't all that helpful or uplifting as I trudged into work everyday.

But a funny thing was also happening at the exact same time - my colleagues and even my clients were confiding in me. People I didn't really know that well would wind up telling me things about their lives and asking for my perspective or support. At first, I had no idea why this was happening - I'm an introvert and I don't really strike up random conversations with people I don't know well - but they were attracted to the fact that I was unable to bullshit and I found it so meaningful and so satisfying to help them when they did. So many would tell me later how much a conversation we had helped them move forward, since my assessment of the situation was generally right on - even if they didn't see it at the time. Meanwhile, I'd been worried that maybe I'd been too blunt or too honest when I told them what I saw in their situation. It just so happens that my gift is 'seeing' people's strengths and obstacles and pulling it out of them to show it to them until they can see it too. I can't help it. Since it wasn't part of my job description or what I was being paid to do, I thought I was wasting away in corporate and sabotaging my career potential because of my inability to keep my mouth shut and fall in line every time, even if I thought something was messed up and I wasn't "on board". In actuality, and without knowing it, this was the super power that spawned my coaching career. What was a curse in corporate politics is a gift to those who seek my counsel.

So would I rather be compared to Amal Clooney than Simon Cowell? Yes (I mean, who wouldn't?!). But let's face it, my gifts and they way they show up for me in this world are a lot closer to his than hers. Don't be afraid of who you are. Accept it. If the people around you now don't value your strengths, it doesn't mean they aren't valuable. It just means you're hanging out with the wrong people. Find a place and people where your strengths are valued and can help solve problems you care about.

Otherwise, you're just bullshitting yourself.

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Theresa Sullivan is the founder of Wayfinder Advisors, a company dedicated to helping ambitious, capable professionals discover their true purpose and share their unique gifts with the world.

For professionals who are curious about their own personal blueprint for finding purpose and success in their career, we offer the Come Alive workshop, done virtually from anywhere in North America. 

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