How I found myself supporting a domestic abuse survivor get free
Finally, she told me about her situation. Then, the whole focus changed. We spoke about how I would help her and her part.
Many years ago I was assigned to provide services through the not-for-profit I worked for. I was eager to deliver the services we promised her. I was very focused to make sure she got the most out of the one or two hours we had together. But our services was not what the client needed.
She could not focus. Finally she told me about her situation and the help she really needed. It was evident that her inability to focus was because of her abusive husband that was traumatizing her and causing her stress, anxiety and depression.
To my horror, I was faced with a woman in a domestic violence situation. In addition, she had a young son and daughter.
We started with the best and fastest solution to get some immediate protection and relief from the abuse. We agreed to go the police station the next morning to file for a restraining order.
I picked them up at 8AM. We took the children to their school. Then, she and I went to the police station. I kept encouraging her to go through with filing the restraining order, so she and her children could have a better life. She assured me that she will go through with the completing and filing the restraining order. She said that she wanted the abuse to stop and she wanted him out of her life. When we reached the window, I asked the employee for assistance to make sure that we had the correct form, so there was no delay or refilling needed.
After all, the help and support I was providing was out of the scope of my employer. Everything had to be done during my free time quickly and correctly.
Next, we went to a woman services organization that help with finding a shelter for battered women. They took her into their office to interview her. They asked me to stay in the waiting area so not to influence her and to keep their conversation private. No problem. She was able to get into a shelter a month or so later.
While she got comfortable with the situation and their new reality, I drove her to get her groceries, and I took her to her other appointments.
She was then connected with a woman within her community for further assistance. I was hopping that it would enlarge her support network. The goal was to help continue her journey to healing her trauma mentally and physically. And with a woman-lead services group, I was hopeful...
The misleading investigator
The husband's lawyer had an investigator call me. I did not know it was the husband's side. The investigator called to get information from me. He made it seem that he was with the client’s lawyer. So, we spoke. He didn't get any info of importance. Then, he started asking questions about me. That's when the alarms went off. I thought to myself; What's the point of knowing more about me if we are working on helping the client.
I started questioning him. “Who are you again? Who do you work for? What is your capacity exactly? What is it that you do? What is your job? You work for the lawyer, but doing what exactly?” I kept questioning him until he finally let me know that he was an investigator for the husband's lawyer.
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Then, I let him know that if him misrepresenting himself causes harm to the woman I was helping that I would file complaints for charges against him and his employer, the lawyer. I told him to inform her of that.
The next morning I went down town to file a complaint. I met with a detective. He said there was not much there to file a complaint about. He even said that the investigator could misrepresent himself and that it wasn't illegal essentially. Really? I tried.
Meeting the father
I had accidentally met the father. We had the same mechanic. We didn't know who the other person was at the time. Weeks later, I saw him with his son and daughter at Barnes & Noble. I was sitting at a cafe table and they were buying something. One of the children said something to him, then he looked at me and I looked at him for a second. He didn't say anything to me. And I didn't say anything to him. I thought he was gong to say something. I heard he moved to another state a few months later.
The Importance of a Diverse Support Network
“My client” had friends from her own community. But, her lady friend couldn’t do anything. She was the wife of one of my client’s husband’s friend. She could only support at a certain capacity because of their close relationship between the husbands. That’s what I was told at the time. The lady could have reached out to others. She could have reached out to the church. She could have asked others in the community for help. And she might have tried. It just didn’t seem like she did. And maybe she couldn’t due to her situation.
Even a not-for-profit started by a woman from the same community was not helpful. She told my client that she could help her. I informed my client that I knew her, and that she was not going to be helpful. My client didn’t listen. She called me later and she told me what happened. The woman asked her basic questions and then told her that there was nothing she can do for her and ended their meeting after five minutes. The trip was a waste. It took her hours to get to the office taking public transportation. This lady could have also tried to get my client connected with other women, so she can have friends and associates outside of her current little circle. Nothing.
No, the not-for-profit I was working for could not help. What I was doing was outside of our services, so it was my choice to support the woman (unpaid) during my own free time.
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