How to Help Someone (Without Advising Them What To Do)

This year in March, I spent 10 days in silence at a retreat in Ras Al Khaimah. The setting was quite serene, the construction material used was mostly rocks, some parts of them were camouflaged as wood through painting. There were a lot of trees that offered shade with birds perched upon them making all kinds of bird sounds. Sounds that one rarely hears while living in the busy city Dubai that is filled with high rise buildings and heavy traffic.?

The retreat was like an oasis in the middle of the desert, quenching a deep inner thirst for self-reflection and awareness.?

As I sat down in silence to meditate each day, I realized, it wasn’t really all that silent. Even though everyone around were quiet, I could hear a lot of chatter. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t completely quieten my internal chatter.?

Then one day, instead of fighting it, I decided to harness it. Instead of letting it go all over the place, I decided to let it sit in one place with one thought.?I befriended him.

I sat and asked my Chatter, “if there is one question that you want to focus upon, then what will it be today?”

Chatter responded with the question that is the title of this post.?

I responded,

Serve - don’t stuff!

Offer - don’t impose!

Chatter was happy but not content. Brevity is good, but this time I was committed to not hand over the rein of my thoughts to Chatter for the duration of the sitting. I was willing to be engaged in conversation, but not let it lead me down alleys and dungeons of dark thoughts. Nor did I want to fly away on whimsical journeys with Chatter.?

As I redirected Chatter to go deeper, together we came up with a few more pointers on How to help someone (without advising them what to do).*

* yes, we put those brackets in place during our conversation.?

1. Listen to the problem. This was a very interesting conversation with Chatter. I remember patiently explaining to Chatter,?“Very often we bring our entire baggage of past experiences while listening to someone share their problem. We seem to be listening with the purpose to identify which solution from our bag can we pull out and offer as a magic solution. The problem must have all our attention, not the person saying it, nor their past experiences shared, nor our past experiences endured.”
2. Juice the specifics. No juice was offered at the retreat, yet every moment felt like I was juicing my self-awareness to the core. I had long debates with Chatter which helped bring out the specifics in much finer detail. I realized that when I juiced out the specifics related to a problem, the solution was so much more easier to arrive at. Chatter would help by asking questions like but how, why, can you, should you, will you etc. Answering each one help me one step further each time.?
3. Change positions. Chatter and I became friends over the duration of my time at the retreat. The moment we realized that we weren’t adversaries but friends and that we can be of help to each other, we both started alternating our position and even taking new ones completely while looking at something that we wanted to resolve. This made us not feel attached to any solution, or think that my-way is the right way to solve the problem. The problem also started showing more of its true colors, simply when the position it was observed from changed.?
4. Observe. The theme of the retreat was to observe. To be detached and to observe sensations of every kind. Within us. Outside us. Around us. Chatter and I would discuss these and it allowed us to tap into areas that were earlier neglected. What the hand does, how the body rests or positions, how the tone is, what attitude is projected, all help in building a canvas. Everything reveals something. Everything!
5. Offer. Don’t be like Marlon Brando. Don’t make an offer they can’t refuse. Allow them to refuse, allow them to tweak it, allow them to play with it, allow them to perfect it. Allow them to do whatever they want with it. Offer with the intent to help them trigger their own solution. “What are you offering?” Chatter asked. “A new way to look at the problem, a solution, a perspective… anything!”, I said. Chatter loved it.?
6. Check. This one is slightly different from step 1. Instead of listening to the problem, here I was listening to the solution or checking if a solution was discovered. I confessed to Chatter that this was my favorite step. It was the part that let me see eyes shine, hearts pumped and smile spread with the joy of self-discovery written all over their face. In that moment I would know, that they owned the answer, and therefore they would do what it takes to get out of the problem.?

If they didn’t discover anything, then I would prefer to start all the way from step 1, once again and repeat.?

Chatter and I continue our chats to this day.?

He teaches me.?

When I let him.?