How to help someone with their career when they won't listen to your advice

How to help someone with their career when they won't listen to your advice

By Sue Ellson BBus MIML MAHRI CDAA ASA MPC WV

Most people know me as someone who likes to be helpful. Professionally, I do that as an Independent LinkedIn Specialist, as a Career Development Practitioner, as a Trainer and as a Consultant.

However, I sometimes find that I want to help everyone, even those people who don't ask for it that I have only just met and unfortunately, regardless of my genuine intentions, it can come across the wrong way (most recently, this happened yesterday with someone I met socially!)

Naturally, I apologised immediately. Sure, I understand that intention and delivery are two different things and that I could have gone about it in a slightly different way, especially when I found out that this person was a bit 'over-sensitive.' For a start, I could have asked if they wanted some suggestions before I provided them!

However, it seems that this topic needs some further exploration. Today I answered an online post from a wife who wanted to help her husband with his future career choices and she was looking for some specific information that she could then pass on to her husband.

Of course, my antennae went up immediately because I could see that she too could potentially end up with a possible, 'thanks, but no thanks darling.' As the well known English proverb goes:

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink

So obviously, we cannot 'make' people do what we want them to do, and personally, I would never want to do that, I just want to be helpful.

But it got me thinking, what are the best ways to help people with their career when they don't want to listen to your advice?

1. Acknowledge that their career is their choice

It doesn't matter how much you think you know about someone, it is far better for them to come to their own conclusions about their own career. Ultimately it is their life and their choice.

It can be especially hard to do this when you have a lot of experience or knowledge that you believe would be useful in their decision making process. It is even more difficult if it is someone very close to you - a partner, son, daughter, favourite friend, trusted colleague etc.

2. Reflect on that person's current context

It again may seem obvious to you that this person has particular options and you may feel it necessary to share those options based on your own experience, knowledge or even success.

However, there may be other issues at play here. Voices from the past, unfortunate experiences that have shaped their perceptions, even hard wired memories that are difficult to overcome. One of the biggest concerns could be simply earning enough money to survive and sometimes a change of career can put their financial safety at risk.

Providing a safe space for a person to discuss (or not discuss) these concerns is important. If they know that you accept them as they are, understand that it could take time and encourage them along the way, this can be far more powerful than rushing to 'solve the problem.'

3. Listen carefully and ask questions

It can be very easy when you hear more of a person's story to be quick to respond with ideas, suggestions and options. However, if you can really hear and understand a person, you may be able to ask some appropriate questions to gain further clarity, really address their concerns or help them discover solutions.

Let's consider some questions that are less likely to be threatening and may be helpful in the course of one or more conversations:

• Is there anything I can do to help you find out more information?
• Is there something specific you would like to know?
• What sort of person would you like to talk to in an effort to find out more?
• Would it be helpful to talk to someone who is already in that career area before taking on further study?
• Would talking to a professional career development practitioner be useful?
• Have you already got some options in mind?
• Is there someone you can talk to that has your interests first (they are not trying to sell you a program, course, job opportunity etc)?
• Do you have some specific goals for the future?
• Has someone else you have spoken to given you some ideas worth considering?
• Is this related to your overall career or just how you feel in your current career?
• What has prompted you to re-evaluate your career now?
• Is there some way I can support you through this process?

4. Provide encouragement for the process not just outcomes

A career change, transition, reinvention, reflection etc is not a two minute task. It usually involves a variety of steps taken over a period of time. I often suggest to clients that they allow up to two years to really settle in to a new direction.

Now that doesn't mean that it takes two years to go through the whole process. What it does do is take off the pressure to solve the puzzle in two minutes. Every time a person finds new information, talks to someone, completes a quiz or assessment, reads a book, meets a professional career development practitioner, speaks to a possible mentor or adviser, enquires about study options etc, they are making progress.

Therefore, acknowledge this effort. Following up by asking, 'How did the meeting go?' and just listening and reflecting back and saying things like: 'that is interesting,' or 'it sounds as if you found that helpful' or 'I admire your courage to explore your options.' These responses are going to be far more helpful than 'have you done x yet' or 'when are you going to make that appointment?' etc.

5. Be prepared to accept what the person chooses to do

You may be ultimately pleased or disappointed by what the person chooses to do or doesn't choose to do in the short, medium and long term.

I distinctly remember one client who came to me for some career assistance and then she convinced her husband to come and see me. Before his appointment, she contacted me and told me to tell her husband to change his job to one where he would be paid more money.

Now it turns out that her husband was actually really happy in his job. He didn't want to conquer the world, he really enjoyed working with a friendly team and being part of a small collegiate enterprise. To help him in this situation, I explored ways he could discuss this with his wife and also how he may be able to negotiate a higher salary in the future by showcasing his value and demonstrating this to his employer. In the end, both husband and wife were happy with the outcome.

Another client loved his current job, but overall, felt that his life was lacking something, and he thought this was related to his career. After various questions, we discovered that he didn't have any form of creative outlet and that he was not being challenged in his current role. We explored a few different creative options he could complete after hours and we found some people he could talk to in relation to future career paths he could explore. To this day, he keeps acknowledging how much happier he is in life.

Whatever a person ultimately chooses to do, if we really want to help them, we need to accept their choice. We are responsible for our own choices, not everyone else's. We can be supportive, encouraging and offer assistance. But we cannot insist that a person follow our suggestions.

We also need to be sensitive to their context and understand that despite our best intentions, the way we say something could be misinterpreted and we may need to apologise if they did not like what we said or how we said it. Try not to beat yourself up if this does happen. Remember that it is often a sign of the other person's met or unmet needs and wants. Sometimes, just giving them some space will help them realise that you really were trying to help. They will realise this if you maintain your support and positive encouragement even after a misunderstanding.

6. Learn more about the career development process yourself

Sometimes, understanding how you have come to your career choices can help you encourage other people in the future. You might be able to make comments like, 'I found it helpful when I discussed my options with a Career Development Practitioner as they had extra tools to help me come to my own conclusions,' or 'When I completed an XYZ assessment, I learnt more about myself and my own strengths,' or 'When I met with another member of my professional association, they suggested other people I should speak to before I made my final decision.'

There is both an art and science to career development and just because 'you did this' doesn't mean that somebody else 'should do that.' Sure, there is plenty of information available online and it can all be helpful. I have written a process I use for 'how to choose your next job or career' that I developed after going through various options myself over three years.

I have a huge range of other freely accessible articles I have written on the topic of careers and LinkedIn available here.

However, I personally believe that if you really want to help someone with their career when they have not been listening to your advice up until now, the best thing you can do is to listen, accept what they say, ask a few tactful questions here and there and encourage them throughout the process.

Ultimately, they will need to choose what they will do in the future. Sure, it could be a lot quicker and faster with the help of a suitably matched Career Development Practitioner (which I also recommend), but that may not happen either. But even the fact that you are reading this article tells me that you are obviously generous by nature and willing to be helpful, so thank you for being so willing to share your kindness.

P.S. A dear friend sent me a link on how to 'brainwash' yourself from your past emotions so that you can act towards your future rather than react from your past. Well worth watching for 17 minutes - but please, watch it for your own benefit rather than insist that someone else watch it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7KQsS2kLM4

___________________________________________________________________

If you believe that this Article could be helpful to someone you know, please consider sharing it with them or even sharing it with your network on LinkedIn. Thanks in advance if you choose to do so!

If you have any ideas you would like to share or you have any feedback, please record it in the Comments section below.

Have an awesome day. Cheers for now, Sue :)

First Published: 7 November 2018

Last Update: 8 November 2018

--

If you believe this article is helpful, please:

1) Like it right now - and add a personal comment or question

2) Share it as an update on LinkedIn

3) Add the link in your next post on social media

4) Provide a link in your next email newsletter

5) Ask me for more information about LinkedIn related to your Purpose

6) Bookmark this page so you can come back to it later!

Sue Ellson BBus MIML MAHRI CDAA ASA MPC WV

Connect with me at https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/sueellson

Learn more about me at https://sueellson.com 

Ask me a question via sueellson [at] sueellson.com

Call or message me direct via +61 402 243 271

See my other presentations at https://sueellson.com/presentations (including

videos)

See my other written articles at https://sueellson.com/publications

See my podcasts at https://sueellson.com/podcasts

See my books on LinkedIn, Careers and Business and Hyper Local Marketing online at

https://120ways.com and https://sueellson.com/books