How to be heard

Be someone who listens and you will be heard.

When it comes to connecting our energy and forming networks, often our first instinct is to think of this action as something that we must instigate and bring to others’ attention.?There’s some truth in that.?But the reality is that rarely are we able to really force a message on to someone who is not ready to hear it.?Agree??Great.?Now practice that on yourself.

Here’s the thing.?For us to be great at connecting with others we need our message to be heard.?But to be a great communicator you must first be a good listener.?Let’s look at why messages tend to fail.

1.?????They are focussed on the wrong person in the first instance.?In our attempts to connect we need to realise that the public persona of someone can be quite different to the person themselves.?Particularly when trying to connect with people in organisations it is really easy to confuse the person of the organisation with the individual themselves.?

And of course any organisation of any particular size can’t have everyone feeling and believing the same things.?We have an idea in mind, we leap forward for a person with a convincing enough job title and wonder why our message appears to fall flat

2.?????They are focussed on the right person but at the wrong time.?Timing you see is everything.?A connection is formed out of curiosity.?And when you’re out there forging a connection the person you’re best connecting with may not be sufficiently curious right now.??

That doesn’t mean to say their curiosity won’t come back some time later – some people particularly introverts like to take time to digest and decompress ideas.?If you come on too strong with too much pressure you’re likely to come across and anxious and with that your idea may look speculative and a little lonely

3.?????They are targeting the wrong problem.?This is a very common networking issue.?By all means do your research but it is possible to research to the point where you’ve already decided where your hopeful connection is and what you think they need.?They may see an issue, a problem, a solution space either slightly differently to you or even using different words.

ONE SIMPLE POWERFUL TECHNIQUE

Fortunately to help us there exists a relatively simple and powerful technique which is listening.?It’s harder than it seems however I’m here to help you practice your listening chops and get better at it.

Nancy Kline, in her awesome book Time to Think, reminds us that often we’re really not listening when other people are speaking.?Have you ever been at that meeting when people are saying things and suddenly you catch a wave, something triggers your attention and yet the conversation has been already ongoing for five minutes and nothing prior to that is in your memory?

Or maybe you find yourself (this is a habit I’m working on getting out of) tapping your toe anxiously waiting for people to stop talking so you can interject with your idea??This is called listening for the pause.?It’s listening but not really listening – you’re not taking in the words, the body movement, the cadence, musicality, emotion and intent.?Instead you’re at a junction not interested in the traffic, you’re just waiting for the gap to emerge.

In this way you’re listening and not listening.?Ah but I hear you say time is precious and we only have a few minutes and this person may disappear and I’ve got to get across my message in record time to take advantage of this opportunity.?Now stop, and breathe.

The intent behind using Connective Energy is to forge a bond with someone, a common interest endeavour or project and let’s emphasise the common bond.??Common bond means everyone has some kind of stake so whilst it’s important you set out some of your thoughts, great networking conversations to create Connective Energy involve incorporating other perspectives which is only possible if you do three things.

The first two you already know or can guess:

-???????Ask

-???????Listen

I’m going to give you a really important third strategy which is to show the other person they have been heard.?

HOW AWESOME IS IT TO BE HEARD?

Think about it.?How does it feel when we’ve been truly listened to and heard??It’s pretty awesome right??But it doesn’t come about by accident.?It’s a specific method you employ which will train you brain to listen more carefully, and then grab the most salient points.?And it does wonders for building a trusted connection.??

Let’s illustrate.?Jim is at the national conference for cyber software solutions.?It’s a huge and noisy event with lots of stands offering various solutions to prospective customers and Jim has an idea he wants to try out on Jean who is has been discretely following on social media.?

?He approaches Jean at her stand.?“Jean, I’m Jim, I’ve been following you on LinkedIn for a while and greatly admire your work, I’ve been working myself on a solution to this specific form of security breach which I think is underestimated by so many people right now and it would be great if you could take a look at it and tell me what you think?”??Too strong???

It’s an interesting approach but whether Jim wins the conversation or not, it doesn’t give Jean much space to contribute and it means Jim has little insight to help him understand what Jean is interested in and how she may possibly contribute.

Alternatively Jim’s conversation could go.?“Jean, so pleased to meet you, I’ve been admiring your work on LinkedIn, particularly the article you wrote about company security breaches, this seems so topical and important right now”.??

It’s an open cue for Jean to be able to talk but what we’re looking for is Jim to demonstrate listening.?So when Jean says “it’s a personal bugbear of mine that companies are spending on security software but actually the big problem is the security culture in their organisations, if they don’t sort that out then software will never be able to keep up”.

Here is Jim’s cue to form the bond.?“Interesting, so what I’m hearing Jean is when it comes to security, companies need to think both in terms of software and people to be successful, have I got that right?”

Bingo.?Jean knows she has been heard and with that the bond with Jim is able to develop much better than Jim’s clumsy salesy advances that just put the guards up.??And it also allows two other important things to happen.?Firstly it gives a platform for Jean to give more up for Jim so they can start to deepen the bond.?It also allows a safe space for Jim to learn and be wrong.??If he’s heard incorrectly, his “have I got that right” gives Jean polite licence to correct him and it gives Jean a launch point for continuing the conversation which is what Jim wanted all along.

Being heard is the most wonderful, empowering and valuable experience.?We love to be listened to, but being heard is being listened to and understood – it’s listening “plus”.??You probably recognise how great this feels when it’s done in your favour.??You just need to add it into your own repertoire, practice at work, with people in your team so it’s a common part of your approach and then when the time comes for you to connect with someone you don’t know so well, it will come out naturally and be received with that intent too.

HOW TO GIVE YOUR TEAM AN INSTANT LIFT

Here's something you can try the moment you put this article down. Next time when one of your team comes up to you with a question, a proposal or some information, instead of leaping straight into the response take a pause. Simply play back a synthesis of what you've heard. "OK, what I think I heard was you're needing some help right now with this project".

Two things - firstly you avoid leaping to an assumption of what's happening so you get a second chance to check your listening was on form. Second it shows the other person your time and mental energy is devoted to them, this typically creates a positive emotional response which is really important if they were feeling nervous or anxious in the first instance.

It's a little bit of magic formed by a tiny number of words. And sometimes it doesn't even need a solution. Sometimes all it needs is, I hear you.

That's it for this time, let me know what you think in comments, if you like Thriving Leader why not share with someone you think would benefit. We're all trying to grow.

My coaching mission - to help introverts and quieter people develop their own quietly successful career. All the ambition, less of the noise. Discover lots of articles just like this, podcasts to develop yourself for free, to find out how to work with me and how to fire up your quietly successful career at www.ianbrowne.com