"How Have You Been?" Messages and Other LinkedIn Tragedies: How to Blow a Connection in One Message.

Ah, LinkedIn, the illustrious land of networking, where professional relationships are built on the solid foundation of mindless, robotic messages that make you question humanity's capacity for authentic interaction. You know... you’ve just accepted a connection request on LinkedIn, opening the door to what you naively thought might be a meaningful professional relationship. And then a message from a total stranger that greets you with a cheery "How have you been?" like they’ve been eagerly awaiting news of your latest existential crisis.

Well, let me tell you, it’s been a wild ride. The back pain? Still lingering. The existential dread? Oh, it’s flourishing. But thanks so much for asking! Or, you know, pretending to ask, because we both know you don’t actually give a flying LinkedIn about how I’ve been.

The 'Personal Touch'...Of a Chainsaw

Let's be real. When someone you don't know sends a LinkedIn message asking, "How have you been?"—it’s like getting a ‘personal’ letter from your bank. They want something, and it’s definitely not to discuss your latest bout of back pain or your newfound obsession with sourdough baking.

These templates are supposed to add a "personal touch." Yes, because nothing says "I genuinely care" like a one-size-fits-all message that looks like it was vomited out by an algorithm designed to simulate human interaction. It's about as personal as getting spammed with "You’ve won a prize!" emails.

The Lazy Man's Guide to Fake Networking

But let’s not stop at "How have you been?"—no, that would be too merciful. Let's dive into the depths of these generic, lifeless messages that somehow always seem to follow the same, lifeless script.

"I came across your profile and was really impressed by your experience."

Oh, wow, you were impressed? By what, exactly? The part where I filled out the "Skills" section like a dutiful LinkedIn citizen? The photo I uploaded five years ago when I thought filters were a good idea? Or maybe it was my award-winning ability to breathe and exist simultaneously. Please, do go on!

"I'd love to connect and explore synergies between our businesses."

Synergies, you say? How innovative. I love how "synergies" is just a fancy way of saying "I have no idea what you do, but I’m going to pretend like we could work together so I can sell you something you don’t need." It’s as if these people think if they use enough buzzwords, they can hypnotize you into caring.

"Let’s schedule a call to discuss how we can help each other."

Ah, the pièce de résistance. The inevitable pitch disguised as a friendly chat. Sure, let’s jump on a call so you can read your sales pitch while I pretend to care, nodding along like a bobblehead doll in the back of a taxi. Because nothing screams "mutually beneficial" like one person doing all the talking while the other is trapped in the call, contemplating the mute button.

Ignorance Is Bliss...Unless You’re on LinkedIn

The tragic beauty of these messages is how blissfully unaware they are of their own superficiality. It's like they’re on a mission to annihilate any chance of a genuine connection by bombarding you with empty words that make you question your own sanity. And the worst part? The senders genuinely think they’re networking.

In their pursuit of efficiency, they’ve completely missed the point. Networking isn’t about quantity; it’s about quality. It’s about forging real connections, not just ticking boxes on your LinkedIn to-do list. When you blast out a generic template, you’re telling the recipient, "I don’t value you enough to write something on my own."

The Final Word: Stop. Just Stop.

So, to all the LinkedIn warriors out there, here’s a piece of advice: stop using these awful templates. Take five extra minutes to write something that actually matters. Show that you’ve read the person’s profile, that you understand what they do, and that you have a legitimate reason for wanting to connect.

Because if you’re just going to ask "How have you been?" with all the sincerity of a politician’s campaign promise, don’t be surprised when you get ghosted—or worse, when someone like me writes a scathing article about it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go stretch my back. It’s still a bit sore, but thanks for asking how I've been...