It's time to have that awkward/brave conversation you've been putting off.

Conversations form the lifeblood of our relationships. It's why your best quality relationships are ones in which there is the highest quality of conversations. The kind that may not always be easy to have, but ultimately deepen trust and serve the highest growth.

All well and good.

Except that often the conversations we most need to have, are those we least want to have. You know the ones:

• The feedback you need to give
• The request you need to make
• The accountability you need to manage
• The boundary you need to set

Too awkward... too uncomfortable... too risky.

Our desire to be agreeable can sap our courage and drive us to push disagreement underground.

We humans are wired to belong - to seek alignment and avoid that which might risk disconnection. Yet our desire to be agreeable can sap our courage and push disagreement underground. The result: issues that aren't talked out get acted out. In disengagement or passive-aggression; sweet and nice on the surface while operating behind the scenes to address issues that would be far better worked out through candid conversation.

These candid conversations were not comfortable before the pandemic dispersed us from offices to remote and hybrid teaming. The cumulative effect of conversations being deferred, avoided, or just mangled (more likely when we cannot immediately notice and respond to subtle cues and body language) and well, there's an immense amount of important conversations that have not occurred.

The biggest problems can be traced back to the conversations that did not occur.

Alas, easier to justify why now is just not the right time and rationalize our timidity in wishful thinking.

"Hopefully it will just sort itself out," we tell ourselves. Yet our conversations form the currency of influence in any relationship, team, or organization. It's why I've found that the biggest dysfunction and problems within any enterprise can be traced back to the conversations that did not occur.

Too awkward... too uncomfortable... too risky.

Engaging in conversations that trigger our own vulnerability requires courage. And summoning that courage requires getting real about the hidden toll you pay - on individual well-being and collective outcomes - when you opt to remain firmly within your conversational comfort zone.

People are 'The Project'

If you’re in a leadership role, this is only magnified. After all, people are the project. If you’re not managing the people issues, you’re destined to fall short on every other measure that matters. Perhaps not immediately, but eventually. I've seen it happen. So have you. At a huge cost to value lost and potential squandered.

Research by VitalSmarts found a very strong correlation between the span of time between a problem being identified and it being raised with team performance.?Before Covid-19 this averaged two weeks. Two years on, it’s likely far longer.?

So if there’s a conversation you’ve been putting off, here are a few suggestions to help you speak up about the issues that weigh you down and unleash the possibilities that fear of engaging in a courageous conversation holds dormant.

The quality of your relationships is determined by the quality of the conversations you have in them.

1. Clarify your highest intention??

Fear drives us to silence or violence. Neither are helpful.

The only way to rise above it is to get clear about your highest intention for the conversation - - for yourself, for the other person, for your relationship, for your team or enterprise? Check where your pride may be your pitfall. Be honest about where your ego might be pushing you to prove yourself right or make someone wrong; to prop yourself up or pull someone down.

It's easy to communicate from a reactive, defensive, frustrated, or fearful place. Doing so provides a temporary sense of gratification. Bam, got em! Yet no verbal victory is won without loss.

2. Check your story

You don’t see the problems around you as they are, but as?you?are…filtered through?your?lens of the world, tinted by your concerns, insecurities and motivations. Often the story we create about a problem (or ‘problem person’)?is?the root of the problem, roadblocking our ability to thoughtfully discuss it, much less to resolve it and chart a better path forward.

So think about where you’ve cast someone as a villain, yourself as a victim, or applied labels (it’s pointless, they’re an idiot, I’m hopeless at... ) that limit new possibilities.?

What's another story you could tell going into this conversation that would put you into a space of humble curiosity?

3. Keep it real

If you feel awkward about a conversation, it's okay to say as much. You’re human. This is vulnerable territory. Own that. If it’s why you’ve put off having this conversation, share that too. This pandemic has been challenging for most of us. Be humble and take full responsibility for your part in this issue including not having raised the issue sooner. Then share why you feel it’s important to do so now (see point #1).??

4. Listen up, beyond what's said

"People listen to me way too much," said no one, ever.

Even when we can see someone on the other side of the screen, technology has a way of disconnecting us from the human element of our interactions. Connecting with the humanity of the person behind the image on your screen will lead to a far better outcome than simply going through your checklist.

Before you unload what you're thinking, imagine looking at the world through their eyes. What do they see? How might they feel?

The very act of genuinely seeking to understand what's going on for someone makes a huge?deposit into the relational ‘trust account’.?? So before you unload your perspective, take a moment to genuinely understand what's going on for the other person. Then resist the temptation to jump in and simply listen to both what they say and what they are not saying (or are unable to articulate). What are their deeper insecurities and unspoken concerns that might be at play here?

And in those moments of extended silence, resist the urge to fill them. Rather let the silence do its work. It's in the pauses between thoughts that the real issues often rise to the surface.

5. Use candor to elevate, not denigrate

Talking down to people never lifts them higher. Be mindful to distinguish the problem (behavior or issue) from the person themselves. Just because someone did something stupid doesn’t make them stupid. Give them space to be otherwise.

“If people in business told the truth, 80-90% of their problems would disappear.”??- Behavioral scientist?Dr. William Schutz

Choose language that conveys your belief in their ability to respond well and to co-create more rewarding relationships, even if you may never see eye to eye on some issues. Be mindful that when you apply negative labels you are likely to reinforce the insecurity and inner narrative that is probably driving the behavior you'd like to see change.

That said,?don’t sugarcoat the truth in disingenuous flattery.?That not only fails to build trust, it actively erodes it. Most people have a strong inbuilt radar that intuitively lets them know when others are being sincere... and when they're not.

Be sincere, but always to serve.

6. Consider when and where

As revolutionizing as communication technology has been, it can provide an all too convenient way of avoiding the real work of meaningful communication.?Digital devices may spare us awkwardness, but they can turn us into cowards.

People need to hear what you have to say but they also need to know you care enough to be brave in how you say it.

No doubt you've heard atrocious stories of making people redundant by email. Or a short phone call while they're driving when even a video call from their office, in which eye contact can be made, would have been far more respectful. People need to hear what you have to say but they also need to know you care enough to be brave in how you say it.

In the article below (written pre-Covid) I share five times you should talk instead of text.

7. Prepare then 'Pave The High Path'

Emotions are contagious. The more sensitive an issue, the more rapidly emotions can escalate and highjack rational dialogue.?

If you're prone to speaking too much, too fast, or going off point, rehearse your key points ahead of time.?Getting very clear about how you'll respond if they have an emotional highjack can prevent you from having one yourself. For instance, if they get furious, get curious, not defensive.

Don't let someone else's poor behavior be an excuse for your own. Go high.

8. Fact first. Then opinion.

When you present your opinion as the truth, you’re guaranteed to get people off-side.

Before you launch into your opinion of a situation, be sure to clearly state the facts as you see them. It’s possible you may have incomplete information. So use language that leaves open the possibility of another interpretation of the situation. E.g. I appreciate I may be missing something, but it seems to me that ...

While we can all fall victims to 'confirmation bias', you don't have a monopoly on the truth. Perhaps they have an important piece of information you’re unaware of that will make all the difference. Facts first. When you present your opinion as though it’s the one and only truth, you are guaranteed to raise defenses and get people off-side.

9. Make clear requests and commitments

A client recently shared how frustrated he was with the behavior of a new external hire onto his leadership team. I asked if he'd been raised the issue. ‘No, by this point in their career they should just know better!’ he replied. And therein lay the problem.

Never assume people 'just know' what you want or what's expected. You are 100% responsible for ensuring people are 100% clear about what you want.

Norms in one workplace can be very different from another. And after two years of working from home, many people have no idea what the norms will be when they return. Make clear requests ,?with specific, unambiguous, and measurable expectations?- for them and yourself.?You cannot manage accountability in the presence of ambiguity.

10. Embrace discomfort then stand tall and focus forward

As I shared in my recent TEDx talk , growth and comfort cannot ride the same horse. If your fear of an uncomfortable conversation that risks creating discord - whether ruffling feathers or hurting feelings - has kept you from speaking up in the past, know this:

You have everything it takes to grow into the brave, influential, and authentic leader you aspire to be.

It all begins with the next opportunity you face to stand tall in your worth and own the impact of your words. To help you get started, adopt the Buddhist principle of "soft front, strong back" and decide that you won't let your fear of what could go wrong keep you from speaking up to make things more right.

You've got this. Speak bravely!

Margie Warrell is a keynote speaker , leadership advisor, bestselling author and Senior Partner in the CEO Institute at Korn Ferry. Pre-order her next book The Courage Gap here.