How to have tough conversations with grace

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Yesterday's presidential debate was a master-class in how NOT to have tough conversations with grace.

While we may not all dive so deep into the pools of disrespectful grandiosity we witnessed last night, if we're honest, most of us are pretty dreadful at having tough conversations.

When someone does or says something we're unhappy about, we'll often stew in our own resentments for days on end, rather than address the issue with the individual concerned.

When something isn’t working in a relationship (business or personal), we tend to have two settings: passive-aggressive resentment or explosive recriminatory rants. Unsurprisingly neither are particularly effective.

Feedback does not equal conflict

Part of the problem is that we equate tough conversations with conflict. Rather than giving constructive feedback when we're calm, most of us wait until things get so bad that we explode or break down. As a result, our memories of, and neural pathways associated with, tough conversations and feedback are largely negative. 

We assume that feedback conversations will be highly-charged, toxic experiences, so we make every excuse under the sun to avoid them:

• They’re having a bad time right now
• I’m having a bad time right now
• They didn’t mean to do it
• They DID mean to do it
• I may have misunderstood
• They may have misunderstood
• It won’t change anything
• It might change something

In the past 20 years, however, the number 1 excuse I hear for not giving feedback is “I don’t want them to think I’m unkind/rude” My response...

It is selfish to avoid giving necessary feedback (ouch!)

Let’s get one thing completely clear - you are NOT being kind when you avoid sharing feedback with someone whose actions are negatively impacting you, your team, your business, your work. 

I’m about to be blunt—brace yourself:

• It is UNKIND to let an individual carry on blindly unaware of the negative impact of their behaviour.
• It is IRRESPONSIBLE to your team to allow the unhelpful behaviours of team members to continue unaddressed. 
• It is SELFISH to avoid having tough conversations because you find them uncomfortable.

That does not, however, give you carte blanche to be an aggressive, patronising idiot! Bad feedback is hurtful and destructive. 

There's a graceful and effective way to give feedback

Effective feedback is delivered in a way that is least likely to trigger a defence reaction (see this article for what happens when we get defensive).

Effective feedback is provided in a calm, constructive, considered and solutions-focussed way (see this article for how to get into this mindset).

Effective feedback is given in service of the individual, your relationship with them, and the team/business more broadly.

Effective feedback is characterised by equal doses of bravery and kindness.

The easiest way I’ve come across to do this is outlined in this week's Leadership Experiment. Let me know what you discover…

Your Leadership Experiment

The next time you notice unhelpful behaviour from a colleague, peer or team-member:

Step 1 - Make sure you’re in the right headspace (see here)

Step 2 - Prepare the feedback you want to give by writing down the answers to these 3 questions:

• What specifically did the individual do?  Get very specific - ‘He rolled his eyes in a meeting’ NOT ‘He’s so bloody disrespectful all the time’
• What was the impact of that behaviour or action? On you, the relationship, the team, the work.
• What would you like the individual to do more or less of in the future? Again, be very specific, focus on behaviours not personalities.

Step 3 - Signpost to the individual that you’d like a feedback conversation with him/her. It’s important not to spring feedback on an unsuspecting person. A simple email like this works well: “Let's schedule some time to talk about last week’s meeting. I noticed a few things that concern me. I’d like to share some feedback and have a conversation about how we could improve things moving forward.”

Step 4 - During the meeting, set a constructive, solutions-focussed tone. Do this by repeating what you said in the email - verbatim. 

Step 5 - Share your feedback using this language: “When you ….[action they took]... The impact was… And my request moving forward is…”

Step 6 - When speaking about the impact of the person’s behaviour, only talk about what you felt or observed. You can’t actually speak to what other people experienced, and you don’t want to find yourself in a debate about what the team may or may not have thought of the person’s behaviour.

For example, “When you rolled your eyes, the impact was that I felt uncomfortable and disrespected and I noticed the team shifting uncomfortably in their seats. My request moving forward is that you remain aware of the impact of your behaviour on others and respectfully speak up if you disagree with what I’m saying, or speak to me privately if you are frustrated or angry.”

No-one can tell you that you didn’t feel uncomfortable or that you didn’t notice the team shifting in the seats. However, if you say, “When you rolled your eyes, it made the team uncomfortable and people think you don’t respect me,” the person you’re speaking to can start a debate whether this is true or not.

Step 7 - Keep the conversation calm, constructive and solutions-focussed. If the individual starts defending or debating, reflect that back to them and then re-deliver the 3 step feedback above.

For example: “I notice this conversation is getting heated and I want to bring us back to the first comment:When you… the impact was… and my request is…”

If the individual is too defensive and it's not possible to get back to a calm considered conversation, suggest that you pause and reconnect when they feel calmer. This very rarely happens if you've done steps 1 through 6.

Step 8 - Rinse and repeat as necessary. This way of communicating quickly becomes much easier, and the benefits to your relationships and your team will be extraordinary.