How to have peaceful conversations in a hostile environment.

"There’s two things we don’t talk about here; Religion & Politics!"

This was what I was told 100% of all the places I worked at.

Ironic enough, these environments were full of those very two things.

They were talked about, once or twice a year during times of voting, elections, or big things happening that involved the government. 

We had strong believers on both sides of Republican and Democrat and people of faith and no faith.

They held onto their beliefs very strongly and almost nothing could sway them.

And very often huge debates arose. Conflict, anger, and hatred would linger in the air for weeks at a time. Work ethic decreased, morale was low, communication and camaraderie became non existent. 

Being in this Environment you are expected to pick a side and stick with your click of people. And if you associate with the rejects during these times of high tension then you were a traitor.

I remember back when I was in the military and we had about 6 desk in our office. Where we worked 5 days a week.

There were about 2 democrats and the rest republicans. Throughout the year we didn’t talk much about politics our religion, it was “the rule.” But then the election between Trump and Hillary began. And it was on.

Every single day was a debate, screaming match, and then long periods of silence. Tensions being very high and everyone walking on eggshells.

As terrible as this may sound, I’m slightly an antagonizer. And I thrive in this type of environment. This' where I gained my knowledge of how to be a mediator and reduce conflict. Hey, I had to train myself somehow.

No… I wasn’t really that bad. 

Anyways, I wasn’t always able to reduce the tension that was in the air. In fact most times we just had to let it settle. 

There were 4 particular individuals that would go head to head in screaming matches very often. Two being strong democrats the other 2 were strong republicans.

Then one day I had to work alone with the 2 democrats. I myself being a republican. They new I was a republican. And then they began talking about their opinions very strongly building up tension about the subject. 

I sat quietly just listening to them validating each others opinions on why Democrats are superior and why republicans are brainless monkeys. (Laterally, that’s what they were saying.)

One of them then pulled his chair behind mine and sat facing me. My back to him as I’m working on my computer. Then the other stood behind me next to him. They were squaring up and preparing for a standoff 2 against one. 

Also, I was the lowest ranking person. The guy sitting down was one rank higher than I, and the other was 2 ranks higher. So I was outnumbered and outgunned. 

They said...

“Randall, why are you a republican?” 

The standoff has begun! 

I swiveled my chair around at a comfortable speed.

Looked at him, then looked at the other guy.

And calmly chuckled and smiled. Immediately beginning to answer his question within about 10 seconds.

I did not explain why I wasn’t a democrat, I explained one or two things I agreed with the republicans about. Once I answered, without missing a beat, I asked them both.

“What made you decide to be democrat?” 

They both answered taking about 3 min each. Both bashing Trump and the republican party. I didn’t interrupt nor did I disagree. I also didn’t agree. I simply let them share their opinions and beliefs.

• Of course they were wanting to convert me, which is completely understandable and okay. They aren’t forcing me to do anything. They are just trying to use reason and logic to convince me. 

And the truth is, they weren’t really trying to convert me. You see, in the moment they were attempting to convert me. But deep down there was something more going on.

What they are really trying to do is, feel accepted. 

And not just accepted by anyone, they wanted to be accepted by me. Wow! What a great and humbling honor. They wanted me, to accept them for who they are, even though we believe differently.

Now! Back to the conversation. 

When they finished talking, awaiting my response. 

My response at this point would determine the outcome of this conversation. Would it be ugly or calm. 

So, I simply said these magic words....

“Wow, those are very interesting view points, thank you for sharing that.”  

They gave me this look of confusion and were silent for about 5 seconds. 

They then asked me if I agreed with them....

“No, I don’t agree. But I’m glad that I now understand how you see things and have a better perspective from your view point.”

They then started talking about how I’m so different than the rest of the republicans they talk with and wish more republicans were like me. (I'm still not agreeing with them here, there's people who are way better than me)

It was at this point, that we successfully turned a confrontational conversation into a non-confrontational conversation. 

They lowered their guards and the stand off was over.

We continued talking back and forth about politics and our differing opinions and beliefs for about another 2 hours. Neither side swaying to the other, nor was there tension or conflict. It was a very healthy and fun conversation.

We even talked about religion. Again, I was the only one who believed in God while they both were non-believers. One atheist, the other anti-religious. 

We had a great time, and for the next year while we worked together we were able to have those conversations very often without any issues. They became great friends of mine and we even went to their house, ate dinner, and even helped them pull weeds out of their garden.

They gave us gifts and brought me food to work very often.

And to-date these two individuals are the most radically liberal people I’ve ever met.

I believe the reason most people aren’t able to talk about politics or religion is because we don’t talk about them enough. As well as, not understanding what causes people to be confrontational.

So I made a list of....

6 factors that cause people to be confrontational: 

1. They become to attached to other peoples opinions and beliefs 

Yes, this could be caring too much about what others think of you.

But What I’m talking about is being so attached to the fact that the person you’re talking to doesn’t share the same beliefs or opinions as you. 

When we become too attached to their beliefs, it causes us to want to control their beliefs. But guess what. Someone else’s beliefs are not within our control. We can influence their beliefs but we will never be able to control them.

• Become unattached to the ideas, opinions, and beliefs of others. And become attached to loving them regardless of your differences. Because once you begin loving someone, it won’t matter if they think differently today or tomorrow, you will still be there to support and care for them.

2. Lack of self-security

Insecure people want to feel secure in themselves. One way they get the feeling of security is by the validation of others. Without this, it causes them to react in odd ways. 

“Insecure leaders act out of character” 

- Pastor Grady O’Neal

You will never find security outside of yourself. In order to be self-secure it has to derive from within you. 

• Be secure in who you are! Decide it. And if you are not secure in who you are today, then ask yourself, “who do I need to become to be self-secure?” And then begin taking action to become that person. If you need guidance and help doing that, that’s what I’m here for. I’m not a certified coach for nothing.

3. Rejection

Also known as a fear of rejection. People don’t want their opinions, ideas, words, or character being rejected. And if someone thinks differently than they do, they feel that person is rejecting them in one or more of these ways. Regardless whether that individual truly is or isn’t. 

• Realize that if people reject your ideas, opinions or beliefs they are not rejecting you. They are only rejecting your ideas, opinions, and beliefs you are just a packaged deal. But more than that, they are truly rejecting themselves. Good, let them. You’ve got better things to do.

4. Defense

When someone is questioned or given push back, they feel they are being cornered or attacked. A cornered animal gets defensive and it try's to protect itself by displaying aggression. An animal trying to protect itself will go to great lengths to do so, even destroying the one it feels is attacking. Whether it’s actually being attacked or not doesn’t matter, what matters, is how it feels.

• When you feel yourself getting defensive just circle back to being unattached. And remember to stay attached to loving them. More than likely they aren’t attacking you anyways. Remember, they are after your ideas, opinions, and beliefs. It’s okay, you are not in danger.

5. Fear

Being afraid has-been, and still is, one of the biggest driver for our actions, inactions, and responses. Fear has always guided our lives whether that be in a good direction or bad.

We could talk on the effects of fear for years and still not cover everything.

When someone is facing fear of a particular outcome from a situation, they will often respond in anger, sadness, or escape.

Even if it's the outcome of a situation, that someone else’s opinions or beliefs support.

An example could be, having fear if one president is elected over the other, that it would cause a negative outcome to the nation and their lives. Their children, job, home, family, or lives could be in danger or negatively effected by the outcome of that election.

When someone else supports that president for election, then that person is supporting their fears. So they may respond in anger, sadness, or escape toward that individual.

This fear could be driven by many different factors, from many different situations, and it may cause people to respond accordingly to the emotions that fear evokes.

• Ask yourself, "Is fear of something causing me/them to respond negatively?" , "Why am I (are they) so attached to this fear?" , "Does this fear actually exist in reality or only in my/their mind?" , "What can I do to alleviate this fear?".

6. Endorphins

When we experience emotions, our brains release many kinds of chemicals. A study was done on people with anger, and it proved that we can actually become addicted to the endorphins that the emotion of anger releases.  

That many people who have what we call anger problems, aren’t actually anger problems. They have an addiction problem. They are addicted to the endorphins anger releases.

Studies say that anger releases adrenaline, Like any addiction, anger can induce discharge of dopamine epinephrine and norepinephrine — also referred to as adrenaline and noradrenaline. The adrenalin rush contributes to a sense of strength and invulnerability.

Jean Kim, M.D. is a psychiatrist and writer working in Washington, DC. She writes: 

“Anger is similar to other addictions.

What happens is that anger can lead to similar “rushes” as thrill-seeking activities where danger triggers dopamine reward receptors in the brain, or like other forms of addiction such as gambling, extreme sports, or even drugs like cocaine and methamphetamines. 

Anger boosts ego fragility.

There is also the psychological aspect of ego fragility and injury, often seen in narcissistic personalities; the rush behind anger can be triggered by underlying feelings of weakness or insecurity, a way to feel powerful in the moment and overcome those feelings. It also helps people feel briefly in control of things they typically have no control over. Unfortunately, the aftermath reinforces negative consequences that hurt you in the eyes of others, and continues the cycle of insecurity. It becomes a vicious cycle of tantrums and punishment that ultimately hurt the angry individual.”

We could also classify some of this as, “a need to feel superior than others”

• Be aware that when emotions start flaring up endorphins start releasing. The people you are conversing with will more than likely be reacting from the endorphins being released. Trying to protect their insecure-selves. We must Maintain control of our own reactions and responses regardless of the endorphins.

We are leaders in the exact place we are at. Regardless of rank or position, followers or not. We are leaders and followers setting the model for how to communicate, lead, follow, and empower. Remember this and understand where others are reacting form. And Love them through the process. 

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- Love Your Coach, Cole A. Randall

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