How to Have a More Peaceful Holiday Season… If You Love an Addict

When we love an addict, life is full of chaos. Until relationships between addicts and their loved ones are mended, the chances of recovery for the addict – and the whole family unit – are slim.

This is why I wrote my book?Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The Top 10 Survival Tips for Loving Someone with an Addiction. In it, I provide guidance that loved ones can immediately put into practice. For example, they learn they can’t control or “fix” the addict they love dearly (Survival Tip #3). They begin to understand the vitally important difference between helping and enabling (Survival Tip #5). And they start to practice better self-care, as they discover that it’s really not selfish to take care of themselves – even while their addict may be struggling (Survival Tip #8).

The Holiday Season is often the most difficult time of the year for families dealing with addiction. Many families have no idea how to have a happy and healthy holiday when they are dealing with an addict – there are so many unanswered questions for them. This is understandable because there is so little help out there for the loved ones of people struggling with addiction. There is a lot of help available to the addicts themselves, but that often does not translate into workable strategies for the people who love them.

As an Addictions Therapist who has specialized in working with addicted families for the past 30 years, I have seen three distinct areas of struggle on the part of family members at this time of year. As they begin to think about their holiday plans, these are the most common questions they ponder:

1. Do we invite our addicted loved ones to be part of our gathering?
2. Are there boundaries we can set – and how do we do that?
3. Are we able to have alcohol (or other mind-altering substances such as pot) at our holiday event?

In my opinion, these are wonderful questions to be asking. Let’s take a look at each one in more detail.

Are we going to invite our addicted loved one(s) to the gathering?

It’s true that some families don’t have to ask this question, because they may not know where their addicts are – or they may have lost them to an overdose. Having an addict pass away or not knowing where they are is absolutely devastating to families. To not be able to be in touch with your child, partner, sibling or friend – especially at the triad of holiday events: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s – feels almost unbearable for many people. If you don’t know where they are or are unable to connect with them, you might want to set a place for them at your table to honour them as people you continue to love.

For families that are able to invite their addicts to their holiday festivities, they often feel that familiar tug of “Yes, but – should we?” Many families in this situation have experience with their events being torn apart by the chaos of a loved one who is continuing to choose to remain in active addiction. When you allow a practicing addict to be part of your lives without setting any boundaries – either beforehand or in the moment – they often seem to run roughshod over the events as so much of the attention invariably goes to them. This is not a healthy dynamic for families to allow to happen.

If you want your using addict to come to your holiday celebration – and not see the event fall flat on its face due to addiction – it is imperative to set some boundaries. This leads us to the second question.

Are there boundaries we can set – and how do we do that?

The good news is YES, there are boundaries you can set – and once you know how to do this, it won’t be as hard as you probably think it’s going to be!

As mentioned above, there are two ways to set a boundary: either beforehand or in the moment of an addict’s transgression. My preference is generally to do it before the event because, when we try to set a boundary in an already?charged moment, we will find ourselves contributing to the chaos and confusion that is, by this time, already rampant.

Here is an example of how to set a boundary in a?non-charged moment:

“John/Mary, we’re planning to have our family dinner on Christmas Eve. We love you very much and would like to have you with us. This year, in order for that to happen, we need to have your agreement on a few things beforehand.

If you want to join us – and we’re hoping you will – then you’ll need to be both clean and sober upon arriving and continuing that while you’re here. We expect that you won’t drink or use in our home at all. If you do come to our gathering and you make the decision to get loaded in any way, we will take your car keys and call you a cab. You will need to leave at that point.

Are you able to agree to those terms? We love you so much and it wouldn’t be the same if you weren’t with us – but there will be no wiggle room with these boundaries. If you need to take some time to think about this and then get back to us about your decision, please take the time you need.”

Before setting a boundary like this with your addicted loved one, another good step would be to discuss this with the other (non-addicted) family members so that you can all be in agreement – to serve as support for each other in a potentially difficult moment and to show a united front.

The message to give your addict is essentially that you love them so much and that you hate seeing them lead a life of addiction. It’s not good for them to live this way and it breaks your heart to watch their self-destructive ways – because you love them so much. This is not a ‘punishment’ for them – you’re doing this because you love them and respect yourselves, not because you don’t.

Here is some food for thought about Question #3:

Are we able to have alcohol (or other mind-altering substances such as pot) at our holiday event?

This is a trickier question to answer. Some family members feel that they want to have alcohol at the event – maybe before, during, and after a meal. They feel that because they themselves aren’t addicted to it, they should be able to have it. Some families may also look forward to sharing a joint or two as they sit around the fire. And the truth is that you would be well within your rights if that’s what you choose to do.

Another way to look at this, however, is that if you’re asking your addict to be abstinent before, during and after the event, it might be a lovely show of support to them to not have mind-altering substances around, readily available and tempting. Of course, you don’t have to do it that way, and it would be best if it was a family decision. Maybe you could agree to all show up in as real and authentic a way as possible this time, without the use of drugs and alcohol. Your addict would very likely appreciate that you have chosen to do this to support them in making the choice to remain clean and sober while with you. It would be seen as a gesture of love, especially if there was no guilt-tripping that went with it – no flavour of “Look at what we’re doing for you!” Even if you’ve felt angry and upset about what you’ve had to put up with, your family’s decision to not partake in mind-altering substances while your addicted loved one is there would need to come from an open-hearted and caring place.

My book?Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The Top 10 Survival Tips for Loving Someone with an Addiction?is available in local bookstores and on Amazon. A great many families have found it helpful to read when learning about enabling, codependency, and setting healthy boundaries. It is also available on Audible, for those of you who like listening to books. (I am the one reading it.)

If you would like some help from us at Love With Boundaries during this potentially uncertain time, we would be happy to talk with you in a free 30-minute consultation.?Just fill in this Questionnaire ?and we will be in touch with you as soon as we can to set that up.