How to Have Family Conversations Around Money (and Other Touchy Subjects)

“The words you speak become the house you live in.”~ Sufi Saying (Hafiz)

Many of us are looking forward to a holiday season of celebration and family gatherings. For some of us, this may also be the only time everyone is together and available for crucial family conversations.

Some of these conversations focus on money directly (giving, college funding, legacy planning, major asset sale, etc.). Others deal with emotional topics like relocation, long-term care, health issues, or other transitions.

If practicalities make this season’s gathering the time for some important conversations, here are some best practices for effective family meetings. We’re using the acronym PUMPKIN because, well, aren’t pumpkins just part of the holidays?

Purpose – Clarify the purpose of the conversation. Is it to share information, make a joint decision, plan for the future, or for learning and discovery? Consider who will be involved (and not) and how the conversation fit within the context of a family gathering. Why is this conversation important and why now?

Ultimate – Define the ideal ultimate outcome for the conversation. Visualize the conclusion of the family meeting. Imagine it goes perfectly – what would that be like? Declare your ultimate dream to for everyone. Proactively think through obstacles and roadblocks and how to creatively overcome them.

Manage – Manage expectations and anticipate the concerns of others. What role does everyone play in the conversation?

Permission – While you’ve determined the conversation is necessary, get buy-in to its when and how. Are there conditions that will make the conversation better for everyone?

Kindness – Kindness means setting the stage and holding the conversation in a way that gives everyone the opportunity to be their best. For some, family gatherings trigger the worst behavior. This can mean setting boundaries on what won’t be discussed.

Involve – The effective conversation leader involves everyone. It’s also a good practice to check in and see what worked in the conversation and how future conversations could be better.

Next steps – Clear next steps and relevant commitments ensure people feel the conversation was productive.

Whether your family gatherings are smooth as silk or like a scene from a sitcom, the right preparation and intention can help you create conversations that take care of what’s most important to your family.