How to have empathy at work

“Empathy is the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, attitudes of another. Direct identification with, understanding of, and vicarious experience of another person's situation, feelings, and motives.” Webster’s Dictionary

” Why does Joe have to act like such a pompous ass?” This question was asked by the Vice President of Marketing about the director she had given me to coach. I was at a loss for words to explain. After getting to know Joe over months, it became clear that Joe had developed a defense mechanism due to childhood shame.

“Inferiority and superiority are opposite sides of the same coin.” Maxwell Maltz, Psycho –Cybernetics

Insecurity drives people to feel both superior and inferior. Joe’s peers perceived him as arrogant, yet they had no idea that he had suffered enormous shame growing up with a mother in a mental hospital whom he could not relate to or feel loved by. As a result, he never invited anyone home as he was ashamed of his situation and did not want to be asked any questions. This behavior carried over into his adult life because he did not make friends of his peers at work and when he was questioned about anything he became aloof and talked down to his peers. Eventually the organization gave him a package to leave because some of his peers did not like working with him.

“A prerequisite to empathy is simply paying attention to the person in pain.” Daniel Goleman

I have had the privilege to coach many executives in my career. It is always humbling to hear the stories behind the people. We only see people’s outward behavior. And if we judge that behavior as negative then we either make up an ill-intentioned motive behind the action or just label that person in a negative way. Most people have some positive intention for themselves behind their actions. We just do not know why they act the way they do. We often project ourselves onto their actions which means we say to ourselves:” If I did not respond back to the three emails somebody sent me it would be because I have no respect for them.” Of course, that could be true or maybe their mother died or their spouse asked for a divorce or their boss gave them a top priority project to do at the last minute? Who knows?

Here are some examples from my coaching that can illustrate the “Why” of people’s actions. There are people who have learned to be “people pleasers” and say “Yes” to authority in order to get along with family members and then cannot stand up for themselves because it was dangerous to speak their truth to power growing up. They end up eating their anger at work then one day they quit or explode or find another job much to the surprise of their team mates and their manager.

Cultural differences can play a huge part in misunderstandings. In some cultures, you are not supposed to highlight your accomplishments but give credit to your team. Often these people can be over looked, for not being visible enough for the fruits of their labors. These people tell me their work should stand for itself. Even if I agree, I tell them if everyone else is working hard to be visible and you are waiting for people above you to notice your work, it might be difficult.

People who have been in the military often have had to be very tough in order to get through the pain of their training or combat. Team members can label these people at abrasive or abrupt without seeking the history behind their behavior and understanding their tough behavior helped them survive dire circumstances.

Empathy at work is the quality most lacking on the emotional intelligence scale. It is hard enough to have empathy for those people we know in our team but it is even more difficult to empathize with people in other teams who we do not know well and whose work we are dependent on to get our results. In addition, a lot of people do not have empathy for themselves so it is virtually impossible to have empathy for others. If you came to work the day after your mother died, then you might have some judgement for the person who takes one month off for bereavement?

What would happen if we all had the time to explore the reasons behind the behavior? It appears that being super busy is the norm which also seems to be a huge status symbol that shows how important you are. Many people feel they do not have time to be empathetic.

What would happen if we listened first and then we asked questions to understand the person with reflective listening in order to see what is happening in this moment? What would happen if we could empathize and find a way to resolve a challenge together?

When you have had a challenge with a co-worker have you ever asked them their point of view first? Here are some questions you can use to start your exploration.

How are things going for you?

How are you feeling today?

What is going on right now that is most important to you?

What are your priorities now?

Once you feel you know what is going on with the person then you can decide if you want to tackle the challenge. These questions help you explore what they want to happen and what they are looking to achieve.

What would you like to happen here?

What does an acceptable solution look like to you?

What is the outcome you are looking for here?

What are some ways you would like to solve this?

 Once you have listened and understood what is happening with that person, the situation, how they see the challenge and how they want to solve the challenge then you can decide whether it is a good time to express your point of view and desires. Timing is important. When emotions are high your logical brain function is low. You can only gain by understanding where they are coming from first and how they see the problem and the solution.

“When you show deep empathy toward others, their defensive energy goes down, and positive energy replaces it. That's when you can get more creative in solving problems.” Stephen Covey