How to Have Difficult Conversations at work

How to have a difficult conversation.

1. Be clear in what your intentions are for the conversation. For example, ‘Good morning, Eugene, I would like to talk to you about ……. I am free …. What’s a good time for you? Be clear about the topic. Do not go into depth of the topic even if the worker seems to be responding well. Try to consider would you like your senior manager or director just coming up to you and having a difficult conversation unannounced.

2. Designate a suitable time for the conversation. Do not underestimate how important this is. If the time is not good for the worker the likely hood you will have a poor conversation is high. Respect the needs of the worker and ask what time would suit them.

3. The location is important. Too many difficult conversations are in public for everyone to see and hear. It’s embarrassing for everyone and will not help to instill trust in your team. Choose a location that is neutral. Not your office. If it is your office, it is a good idea to have some comfortable chair in your office facing 45-degree angle away from your desk. Both of you can sit not directly towards each other because that could be seen as confrontational. Keep the door open, do not close the door. This allows for enough privacy and transparency.

4. Restate the reason for the meeting when you have the conversation with the staff member. You can have small talk; however, you are going to have to introduce the topic. If you wait till the staff member starts off the conversation, then it may not happen or if you delay too much the time has gone and you will not have enough time to resolve the situation you wish to talk about.

5. Do not add any new topics to the meeting. Adding a new topic will take the staff member off guard and be resistant, especially if it is also a difficult subject. For example, Fred, I am concerned you are turning up late more often recently, also your work performance is of concern what’s going on? It is important to stick to one topic. If you want to talk about several topics then state this to the worker prior to the meeting or in an email. This gives the worker time to prepare. Included in the email we are here to assist and support you.

6. Move to the solution: (It is always important in having a difficult conversation to move to the solution) Avoid getting trapped on going over and over the problem. Usually, the conversation about the reasons why a worker is late or for example can be numerous. A worker will spend a lot of time justifying their reasons they have been late but not actually offer up a solution. They want you to understand they can’t help it. You, however, want them to understand they have a responsibility to turn up to work. It doesn’t matter the reason for you wanting to talk to the staff member these points usually remain. The worker, ‘You don’t understand how tough it has been at home lately’.

7. Acknowledge the staff members’ concerns and reasons they have not been performing to the expectations of the role. Repeating back what they have said may be common thing to do – the reason repeating back is so important is, so the staff member feels; Heard, Validated, Understood, listen to, and taken Seriously. The last point is very important. (Refer to the Communication Formula by David Nancarrow)

8. A good way to approach a solution is to ask the staff member. This simple sift can towards them instead of you as the leader offering up solutions can be powerful. Why? Because if you can validate their solution, it does two things. Firstly, you tap into their motivation to change. Motivational Theory 101 is people do not do anything unless they are motivated. This could be to acquire an intrinsic reward or avoiding punishment. But we are all driven by motivation. Getting a suggestion from the staff member about a solution also confirms they are ready to change. On the continuum of change, if a staff member is in the precontemplation stage i.e. not even ready to consider change then this can be seen by their resistance to offer a suggestion or even accept a suggestion you may have. If a staff member is not ready to change and the situation is serious you may have to find another motivating factor that they value. For example, their job may be in jeopardy. I would suggest you do not mince any words but clearly state the process moving forward. This could be a performance management procedure or a formal or informal warning. Formal is written letter to the staff member informal is verbal.

9. Offer a support person. If the situation for this difficult conversation is about their job security or discussing the process of performance management, it is advisable to let the staff member know they can have a support person present. Even suggesting a support person can later the staff member this is getting serious.

10. Reassure the staff members we are here to help resolve the situation and put measures in place for you to succeed. If you leave this part out, the staff members will feel they are going to be in trouble and remind them of the time they were in trouble in the past that may not have been that helpful. Re-read your letter see does it has a balance of addressing the issues as well as being supportive. Ask yourself if you were the receiver of this letter how would you respond?

11. At the meeting use the traffic light principle: Green + we agree Orange - can we negotiate? Red = we disagree

12. Start with Agree. Name up the things you agree that the staff member is doing well. This will build goodwill in the meeting. There is always something they are doing well. If the staff member is talking remember the things they say that you agree with. Repeating these back is very important.

13.Move to negotiate. Name up the things that appear to be in the negotiation section. These may be something that the staff member says that you have not considered or could implement. Acknowledge these and move them to the agreed section.

14. Disagree All through this process be aware of the things you hear that you disagree with. Avoid talking about these too quickly. If you jump straight to what you or they disagree with you will remove any likely hood of good will to negotiate things because the disagree topics are getting too loud. The agreed section can be destroyed or not even mentioned if the disagreement is taking over, and the meeting is too negatively focused. The staff member will shut down or resist or push back. The transactions occurring in this situation will not help the difficult conversation but in fact make it more difficult to resolve. By focusing on the agreed section often the parts that may disagree are minimized. Sometimes this disagreed section may be tolerated for a time due to the staff members’ personal situation as a case-by-case approach. Remember we are not aiming for perfection.

15.Offer Support and Follow-up Lastly have several meetings to make sure the staff member feels supported over a regular time frame. Too often companies only have one meeting too way too much in that meeting and do not have follow-up meeting to check how everything is going. A leader may check in with the staff along the way. However, a good way to approach this is if it was important to have a difficult formal meeting with a staff member then it is important to have a closure meeting to celebrate things have improved regarding the situation. Closure is important. This last point would have to be the greatest thing missed in companies. The situation may have improved for the staff members, but nothing is formally said. The problem is resolved, everyone breathes a sigh of relief and moves onto the next thing that needs attention. Remember to have a healthy closure with the staff members. This will build tremendous goodwill with them for the future.

Summary Points:

? Initiate with Clarity: Clearly articulate the purpose of the dialogue from the outset. For instance, schedule a meeting with the employee by stating, "Good morning, Eugene, I would like to discuss a particular matter with you. When would be a convenient time for you?" Ensure the topic is outlined without delving into details prematurely.

? Timing and Setting: Select an appropriate time and setting for the conversation, respecting the employee's schedule and opting for a neutral location to foster a non-confrontational atmosphere.

? Focus on the Agenda: Reiterate the meeting's purpose at the onset and avoid introducing unrelated topics, which could lead to resistance or derail the conversation.

? Solution-Oriented Approach: Steer the discussion towards actionable solutions rather than dwelling on the problem. Encourage the employee to contribute to the solution, which can enhance their motivation and readiness for change.

? Empathetic Listening: Acknowledge the employee's perspective and validate their concerns. This approach ensures they feel heard and taken seriously, which is crucial for effective communication.

? Support and Follow-Up: Offer support and plan follow-up meetings to ensure ongoing assistance and to celebrate progress, thereby fostering a positive and constructive closure to the issue at hand.

Notes on How to have a difficult conversation originally prepared by David Nancarrow 2024 For further resources https://www.fairwork.gov.au/tools-and-resources/onlinelearning-centre/difficult-conversations-in-the-workplace-employee-cours