How to Have Difficult Conversations

To watch the extended YouTube version of this article, click here.

To listen to the audio version of this article, click here.

Difficult conversations are an inevitable part of life, whether in the workplace or in personal relationships. These conversations can range from addressing performance issues with a colleague to discussing relationship problems with a loved one.

While they may be uncomfortable, having difficult conversations is crucial for growth, resolution, and maintaining healthy dynamics.

In this article, I'll discuss my step-by-step process for preparing for difficult conversations, as well as how to navigate them effectively.

To watch the extended YouTube video version of this article, click here.

Most people don’t like difficult conversations because conflict feels unsafe. This can be especially true if you grew up in a household where emotional maturity wasn’t modelled and so you didn’t learn how to have difficult conversations without someone exploding or shutting down.

As with many of the things I teach, I have a step-by-step process for preparing for difficult conversations, which I’ll share with you today. I’ve taught this method to hundreds, if not thousands, of people over the years, and I’m happy to say it’s pretty much foolproof!

How to Prepare for a Difficult Conversation

1. Get Clear on the Issue

Get really clear on what it is that you want to discuss. Sit down with a pad and pen and physically write about what’s bothering you.

This is especially important when addressing an issue from a work perspective. I recommend collating facts to support your thoughts.

In many of my videos on bullying and harassment, I’ve mentioned collating details of dates, times, and instances of abuse together with physical evidence.

2. Consider the Consequences of Not Having the Conversation

Before initiating a difficult conversation, it's important to consider what might happen if you don't address the issue.

Ask yourself:

• Will the problem resolve itself, or is it likely to get worse?
• How will the ongoing issue affect my work environment or personal relationship?
• What are the potential long-term consequences of avoidance?

Understanding the potential negative outcomes of not having the conversation can motivate you to take action and address the issue head-on.

3. Be Clear About the Outcome You Want and Why

Having a clear objective in mind is crucial for a productive conversation. In most cases, ‘I just want things to be different’ or ‘I just want things to change’ is not reason enough. You need to get specific.

Consider:

• What specific outcome are you hoping to achieve?
• Why is this outcome important to you?
• How will achieving this outcome benefit both parties involved?

Being clear about your goals helps you stay focused during the conversation and provides a sense of direction, making it more likely to reach a constructive resolution.

4. Consider How the Other Person May React and How You'll Deal with It

It's essential to anticipate the other person's potential reactions and prepare for them. Think about:

• How might they feel or respond to what you're saying?
• What are their possible concerns or objections?
• How can you address these concerns in a respectful and empathetic manner?

If you’re planning a difficult conversation with someone, you know them and their behaviours. How they react shouldn’t be a surprise. Being prepared for various reactions allows you to remain calm and composed, helping to steer the conversation towards a positive outcome.

5. Script a 90-second Opening

Often, opening up the conversation is THE most difficult part. So, taking some time to script what you’re going to say can be incredibly helpful.

Starting the conversation with a clear and concise opening sets the tone for a productive dialogue. Your opening should:

• State the purpose of the conversation.
• Acknowledge any shared goals or positive aspects of the relationship.
• Express your intentions and the desired outcome.

Here’s an example of a 90-second opening:

“I’d like to talk about something that’s been on my mind. I value our working relationship and believe we both want to do our best work. Recently, I’ve noticed some challenges with [specific issue], and I think it’s important we discuss it so we can find a way to move forward positively. My goal is to understand your perspective and work together to come up with a solution that benefits both of us.”

Scripting this opening helps you to start the conversation on the right foot, ensuring that your message is clear and your intentions are understood.

Navigating the Conversation: Practical Tips

1. Choose the Right Time and Place

Select a time and place where both parties can talk without interruptions and feel comfortable. A private meeting room might be ideal for workplace conversations, while a neutral and calm environment is ideal for personal conversations.

2. Actively Listen

Active listening is key to understanding the other person’s perspective. Show that you are paying attention by:

• Maintaining eye contact.
• Nodding and providing verbal acknowledgements.
• Reflecting back on what they’ve said to confirm understanding.

?3. Stay Calm and Composed

Emotions can run high during difficult conversations. Practise deep breathing, stay mindful of your tone, and try to keep the conversation respectful and focused on the issue, not the person.

4. Use “I” Statements

Express your thoughts and feelings using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example:

• “I feel concerned when deadlines are missed because it impacts our project timeline.”
• “I’ve been feeling stressed lately about how we communicate, and I’d like to work on improving it.”

5. Be Open to Feedback

Difficult conversations are a two-way street. Be open to hearing the other person’s perspective and feedback. Acknowledge their feelings and work collaboratively towards a solution.

The Wrap-Up

Difficult conversations are challenging but essential for maintaining healthy, productive, and fulfilling relationships, both at work and in your personal life.

By preparing thoughtfully, being clear about your desired outcomes, anticipating reactions, and starting the conversation with a well-crafted opening, you can navigate these discussions with confidence and empathy.

Remember, the goal is to foster understanding, find common ground, and work towards solutions that benefit all parties involved.

Embrace these conversations as opportunities for growth and improvement, and you’ll find that they can lead to stronger, more resilient relationships.

What Next?

In the extended YouTube version of this article, I discuss two common situations where you can use this step-by-step process:

1. A work-based scenario to address unacceptable behaviour by a manager or colleague
2. A personal relationship scenario addressing feelings of ‘drifting apart’

You can watch it here.

I also have new EFT Tapping videos on my YouTube channel, which I haven't shared on LinkedIn, including:

• Tapping to release stress, anxiety and overwhelm
• Boost your confidence
• Overcome your fear of public speaking
• Stop procrastinating
• Clear fear and panic right now
• Eliminate overwhelm

Plus more! You can watch those here.

If you would like help with any of the topics I discuss in my articles, please contact me either through LinkedIn or email me at [email protected] to arrange a complimentary 15-minute discovery call.

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