How to Have a Difficult Conversation With Ease: The Assertive Communication Framework

A few years back, I had a co-worker join my team. One week after joining, they started following up with me to check whether I completed certain requests that came into our team’s inbox.

They weren’t my manager. So, in response to their “bossiness”, I started avoiding them, any projects they were a part of, or any team outings they were coming to.

If I had known how to communicate better, I would have sat them down and had a conversation about how their actions were making me feel.

There are countless such examples from my corporate life where I wish I would have known better. Here’s a framework that would have helped me. I hope it can help you now.

Assertive and Compassionate Communication: A Framework for Difficult Conversations

This framework is not my creation. It borrows from Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication and all the relationship courses I’ve taken over the years. I’ve added a few things here and there and corporatized the principles.

Pre-conditions: Before we jump into the model, I always tell my clients that first of all, they need to believe what they’re communicating is valid and that it doesn’t need to be over-explained or justified. At the same time, it’s crucial to avoid the blame game or make assumptions as it always puts the recipient on the defensive.?

This model helps my clients lay out what they need to say and prepare in advance, although they know the conversation may not go exactly as planned. Additionally, following this format takes the emotion out of the conversation for both parties.

• First of all, start with the situation or behavior you want to talk about and describe it factually and objectively. Ensure that you’re not making any assumptions about the other party or their intentions here.?

Also, avoid any generalizations about them as a person. In other words, talk about the action instead of the individual.?

• Next, explain the impact on you, your feelings, the work, team, project, or organization. This is the “so what” of the conversation.
• Then, take it further by explaining what goal, value, desire, or need is unmet because of the impact of their actions.
• As we get into the “danger” zone and the listener may be feeling a little uncomfortable now because they feel like they have hurt you in some way, this is a good time to ensure them that you still “care”. Explain why you’re even having this conversation.?

How much do you value the relationship? How important is the conversation for the project and everyone’s goals? This helps build or rebuild trust with the listener and ensures them that they are psychologically safe.

Some clients choose to build trust at the very beginning and set the stage for the conversation using this step as they dive in. Some use it at the beginning and continue to repeat it at different points of the conversation based on the intensity of the matter and how much trust already exists between the individuals.

• Now that we’ve established trust, we can go ahead and state our request, kindly AND directly. So, it’s really important to be clear on what we want from them before we start a difficult conversation.
• Right after the request, it’s mandatory to open up the conversation, to get the listener into brainstorming and problem-solving mode. The best way to do this is to ask an open-ended question and get them to move away from getting defensive.

Examples questions:

1. How can we align on this?
2. What do you think?
3. How can I support you to make that happen?

• The final step is not always applicable, and it’s up to you to choose when stating the consequence or result of not meeting the request will be most impactful. I always recommend this step for performance feedback or if the same behavior is not being rectified after multiple conversations like this because it IS the kind thing to do if we use the “right” language.?

Remember, this doesn’t have to be an ultimatum. This can sound like, “If we can’t align on X, it would be very hard to collaborate on future projects.”

Caution: It’s up to you to decide which component is most important in your conversation. So, there are no rules on what to include.?

How to Have a Difficult Conversation: An?Example

Suppose you are not really happy about having to go back to work three times a week or more, and you want to communicate this to your manager, this would be a “difficult” conversation not only because you have certain emotions around this but also because you expect your manager to have “negative” emotions.

Here’s how I would address this using the assertive communication framework discussed above:

·?????? Stating the facts: “Hey Manager, I saw the email last night about our VP wanting us to be onsite for three days a week.”

·?????? Impact on you: “To be honest, I feel like I’m not trusted to do my work without being here because I don’t need constant in-person contact with the team to get my work done.”

·?????? Unmet needs/goals/values: “Our company values transparency and trust, and this goes against these values from the way I see it.”

·?????? Trust building: “I love working for our organization, and I’m committed to growing here.”

·?????? Request: “So, I’d really like to see if I can only come on one day when we have our weekly meetings because I understand the importance of connecting with the team in person.”

·?????? Invitation to co-create solutions: “What would it take to make that happen?”

·?????? Consequence/result: “I’m afraid I’ll get really demotivated and disempowered if we can’t work this out amicably.”

Of course, the conversation will not go as scripted here. But scripting beforehand and knowing these components can help us remain composed during the conversation while focusing on the ideal outcome and navigating towards it.

My clients have used this framework for upward management, feedback conversations, influencing stakeholders, delivering challenging news to teams, and resolving interpersonal conflicts in and out of work. Many of them also share this with their co-workers and teams because having hard conversations with ease is mandatory to build innovative teams.

I hope you found this useful. Good luck with all your difficult conversations!

Do let me know how it goes. I get a lot of joy from people using these techniques for personal and professional growth :)