How to have a career with no regrets

How to have a career with no regrets

My dad died in January. He was six months away from retiring and receiving a final salary pension (remember those – no me neither). For some people it would be considered the worst possible timing, after more than 40 years of hard work he was so close to the ‘finish line’ of the 9-5. But this sentiment falls flat when it comes to my dad. He enjoyed his work so much he was exploring options for how he could continue working post 65, before myeloma (a type of blood cancer) cruelly put pay to that.

The skills that meant my dad enjoyed his work (and his life) so much feel universal and useful for us all. I hope by sharing my reflections it’s helpful for you to figure out how to work in a way where you can feel as content and optimistic as my dad.

1.????Give without keeping score

My dad built brilliant relationships in every area of his life, evidenced by his, standing room only, memorial and the sheer volume of cards and letters we were sent from his friends and colleagues. People my dad had trained earlier in their career started getting in touch with me on LinkedIn to share how much of a positive impact he had on them and their career. Research by psychologist Adam Grant has shown that people with a giving mindset are also the most successful in organisations. Critically givers, don’t give to get. These are the people who start with the question how can I help? rather than what’s in it for me? ?My dad also saw the value in building relationships beyond the ones that we need for our day jobs. As Margaret Heffernan observes in her book Uncharted building a range of relationships in and outside an organisation is a key characteristic of the most resilient CEO’s, and yet young high achievers struggle to press pause to spend time with anyone who doesn’t directly contribute to ticking a task off the to-do list. As an introvert I can’t replicate the extrovert sociability of my dad, but I can choose to make time for one-to-one curious career conversations. The pandemic meant that many of our worlds got smaller, so this feels like a timely reminder to rekindle our investment in other people.

2.????Boundaries make you better at your job

Every seemingly successful person has a whole host of ‘knotty’ career moments that aren’t visible on the CV (or what they choose to share on social media). One notable knotty moment for my dad was when a new job resulted in our family relocating from the peak district to the midlands. To this day I remember being distraught about leaving my best friend behind (I was 8) and giving dad the silent treatment for at least a few weeks. To compound an already challenging time his new company went bust within a few months of the move and suddenly my dad found himself in need of both a new job and a new house (as we couldn’t afford to stay where we had moved into). Though my dad loved the work that he did, he never seemed to tip over into what scientists describe as ‘enmeshment’, when you and your work identity become inseparable. My dad’s ability to create boundaries meant he always made time for friends and hobbies, and as a result approached work obstacles with both perspective and pragmatism. In a conversation with Martha Lane Fox, CBE, for our squiggly careers podcast, I remember being surprised by her response to a question about how she found her way through hard times. She talked about how, even when work priorities felt overwhelming, she made the time to go to the theatre and how that helped her to be resilient. It’s easy to fall into the trap of blurred boundaries (I speak from personal experience) but it’s reassuring to know that an important part of being resilient isn’t working longer and harder but spending time on what makes you smile outside of work.

3.????Listen like you mean it.

I never saw my dad respond to an email on the go or get distracted by notifications while we were catching up over a coffee. He did one thing at once and was all in. Fear of missing out was an alien idea to him as he spent all his time in the here and now. This meant he listened in a way that felt special and rare, by giving you his undivided attention. So many people shared examples of memorable conversations they had with him. From listening to tales of break up woe from my sister’s friends to house renovation disasters to descriptions of art house films he was never going to watch, he was equally captivated by everyone. When I interviewed journalist and NPR radio host Celeste Headlee about how to be a brilliant listener her advice was simple, start every conversation with curiosity and assuming you have something to learn. Listening is a skill where too often we over-estimate our capability, we think we’re listening when in fact we’re waiting to speak, decide we already know the right answer or are distracted by what we’re going to have for dinner. In her book You’re not listening Kate Murphy describes how much more value is placed in society today on what you project, not on what you absorb. Not so with my dad, he was never the centre of a conversation, but he was what made the conversation matter.

4.????Mastering a ‘I’ll be happy now’ mindset

There was no I’ll be happy when for my dad. He never set his sights on the next step or aimed for the top job. He didn’t get distracted by what might be, should be or could be. Rather than chasing status symbols and titles he went after work he found interesting. On a family holiday to celebrate his 60th birthday we were sat around the pool and got onto the topic of dream jobs. Professional golfer, musician, illustrator, gardener we all had fun imagining life in a parallel universe. Dad however had a different take on the topic…..saying after a short pause for thought I’d probably do what I’m doing now. When pushed he conceded that maybe a shorter commute might be preferable! His ability to be present and enjoy each day as it came is something we all appreciated and admired in him. His content nature meant he was the person you looked forward to seeing in the office, or even the zoom, which he just about mastered due to covid and a desire to take part in pub quizzes with his mates. With the constant change and uncertainty in our careers mastering a mindset where you can feel content with where you are acts like osmosis encouraging others to feel grateful for what we’ve got, letting go of the desire to always do and want more.

I miss my dad every day but reminding myself to ‘be more mark ellis’ is helping me to find my way, and I hope it's helpful for you too.