How To Have A Calm Conversation With the Politically Polarized

The Problem

As we move into the final weeks of the US election cycle, political polarization is widespread. Politicians on the left and right have done excellent work tribalizing our country into opposing camps.

Their success at divide and conquer leaves the rest of us with a problem. How do we have a conversation with someone whose beliefs we find irresponsible or repugnant?

The Usual Conversation Doesn't Work

We have all been sucked into political conversations that turned ugly. Typically, these conversations start with good intentions. Unfortunately, they quickly escalate into heated arguments that leave hurt feelings and damaged relationships. We learn to avoid political conversations with people of different perspectives. We talk to members of our own tribe, condemning the evil others as stupid, incompetent, or worse. The pain inflicted by talking to people who hold politically polar beliefs is too much to bear.

As a consequence, families tiptoe around controversy, business colleagues avoid raising difficult conversations, and relationships of all kinds are infused with fear and anxiety.

This is unnecessary. We can calm people down and have a good conversation about political beliefs. We simply have to focus on a secret need and ignore the lame advice of so-called experts.

The Secret Need of the Politically Polarized

What we fail to recognize is that every human being has a secret need for emotional validation. Validation does not mean capitulation or agreement. It means that we acknowledge each person's strong feelings around political beliefs.

I call this process "listening others into existence." When we listen to the emotions and not the words, we discover that we have much more in common than we could have believed. Our common emotional experience brings us to together despite our political differences. We recognize each other's humanity underneath the superficial polarization.

Four Questions

To listen the politically polarized person into existence, ask four questions:

            "Tell me how your life experience led you to your current beliefs."

           "How do your beliefs help you in your everyday life?"

           "How do you deal with people having different beliefs?"

           "How should our society manage vastly different beliefs?"

 "Tell me how your life experience led you to your current beliefs."

The first question asks for a story.

Your role is not to interrogate, argue, interrupt, or otherwise interfere with the storytelling.

This can be hard at first. All of us want to be heard, understood, and validated. Remember, you are validating the person across from you. Your need for validation will not be met by this person, so don't expect it and don't ask for it.

You will discover why the politically polarized person has formed her beliefs. More importantly, you will find deeper common values between the two of you.

"How do your beliefs help you in your everyday life?"

The second question simply asks the politically polarized person to reflect on how his strong political beliefs actually help him navigate his day-to-day life. Usually, people report that their beliefs do not affect their daily lives. Instead, political beliefs frame a worldview that soothes and comforts.

Acknowledge this. Although may these beliefs repel you, accept that they arise to reduce anxiety around fundamental issues. For example, a deeply conservative person may be anxious about coping with rapid cultural, social, and technological change that challenges their way of life. A politically liberal person may be anxious about racial injustice or climate change. Whichever the perspective, you are listening for the underlying anxiety.

"How do you deal with people having different beliefs?"

The third question may provoke a snarky, disrespectful answer. Recognize that this is reactive and not thoughtful. Be persistent and see if you can elicit a deeper response. You will find that fear of rejection or ridicule drives attitudes and behaviors towards people with differing beliefs.

"How should our society manage vastly different beliefs?"

The final question, if you make it that far, requires your politically polarized speaker to re-appraise the role of a free and open society. The kneejerk reaction is to think that everyone should be the same and dissidence quashed. The more thoughtful response will recognize that we should cherish and protect our differences. Answers to this question often leads to the softening of rigidity and inflexibility.

Listening to people with politically opposite beliefs triggers our anxiety and anger. Learning to listen to stories without judgment will help you remain calm. Remain interested about the person and ignore the beliefs. You will be amazed at what you learn.

If you want to learn more about de-escalating people, defusing fights and arguments, and managing difficult conversations, visit my website. The link is in the comment below.