How to be Happy Every Day. No Really!
Peter Ashworth
Professional Artist & Founder at Humanity We | Advancing the world's poorest people and communities from dehumanizing poverty.
A guide to becoming happy.
Can you think of someone who just exudes real happiness every time you meet them? They are confident, but not ego-driven; they seem authentic and comfortable in who they are, not trying to conform to the norms or expectations of society; and they just don’t look stressed, worried or anxious, - almost like they know things will work out fine.
For the significant majority of people today aged 5 to 60 who are students or in a working career, life can be a treadmill, a grind, an increasingly complicated and stressful balancing of needs and wants, a few fleeting moments of happiness, alongside a life of trying to balance careers, work, relationships, marriages, parenting, finances, meals, haircuts, repairs, getting from place-to-place on crowded roads-trains-planes, chores, commitments, responsibilities, paperwork, doctor visits, sex, working out, gas stations, school events, social events, giving, get-togethers, worship, texts, voicemails, calendars, social media, sleep,- and a constant, from the moment you wake up until the moment you hit the pillow at night, an over-arching feeling of overwhelmed, disappointment and just not feeling joyous or happy. !!
After researching many books, authors, neuroscientists, psychologists and self-help experts, and experiencing this pandemic of unhappiness and over commitment over many years, here is what I have discovered. These are the key elements you should consider in a quest for your ability to wake every morning, and just feel happy and joy-filled.
A significant reminder. It will take work, commitment, a little time, and a mental shift in your thinking to create heartfelt, innate happiness.
Define Your Happiness.
The first thing you need to do is to define what happiness means to you. The big question you should ask yourself is what is the fundamental goal or purpose of my life? Am I here to grind through life, or can I make life fulfilling and joyous while still achieving the important elements of family, friends, career, finances, etc. Start thinking about what you are really working towards? Start a daily journal, take notes on your phone, start by writing it down, and start discussions with those who you trust. A great question to start the conversation is, “what do you think my true purpose for life is?” You will get some great input, but remember, it is your life, and you ultimately determine what path you will follow.
You Define Happiness Wrong.
For most of human recorded human history, we have defined happiness as living a full and meaningful life. For thousands of years, genuine happiness equaled doing meaningful work and making enough to put food on the table, a roof over your head, and feeling a close bond to family who loved you, and who you loved back. We lived in smaller societies, so had closer social connections and interactions with others who genuinely cared and watched our back, while we authentically cared to help others as we could. Family typically lived within a close distance, and expectations were that we would do our best through the challenges of life in those days. This went on for thousands of years.
During the age of enlightenment (1685-1815), a mere 200 years ago - this all changed. European, American and new world politics, philosophy, science and communications were radically reoriented. The Age of Enlightenment bought a new vision of happiness – based on pleasure, excitement, and materialism. People were living longer, there were lots of new inventions that made life better, and new middle class wealth through industrialization, larger cities, travel and exploitation of minerals and resources, new financial opportunities and an increased knowledge and expectation of the wealth and lifestyles others were achieving through better education and media. We could now all have potential access to money, status and success.
According to Darrin McMahon, PhD, a Dartmouth College Professor of human history, and the author of The Pursuit of Happiness: A History from the Greeks to the Present, there has been a significant shift in how we define happiness over the last 200+ years. McMahon calls this shift “the revolution in human expectation,” where humans now define happiness as something we can find exclusively through money, status and success. The problem with defining your happiness this way is that when pleasure or things are your basis for feeling success and happiness, you will never be happy because the goal posts are always moving, by you.
Humans are hard-wired to want to achieve and accumulate. You are after the cooler car, the nicer house, the promotion, the bigger pay check, the sexy shoes, the more Facebook followers, the tickets to the game or concert, the better college for your kids, the finer watch, the larger diamond, the better neighborhood, and more. But when you finally achieve these, they are never as important or personally fulfilling as you think in the long term. Initially yes, but then they become the new raised bar. This is your new norm, and new, bigger, better expectations replace these pleasure goals – and the cycle starts again, off to work to grind away towards the vacation in Paris. Surely that will make you happy?
This tendency to always want more, and never be satisfied is what evolutionary psychologists define as the hedonic treadmill. According to this theory, as a person makes more money, expectations and desires rise in tandem, which results in no permanent gain in happiness. Many of us are hard-wired to pursue wealth as the basis of our happiness. Much of our thinking, focus, time and energy go into making money, but much research has determined that money does not buy happiness.
The US is twice as wealthy as it was 50 years ago, but our levels of individual happiness have not really changed. In a 2010 study by Nobel Prize Economist Angus Deaton and Princeton Behavioral Economist Daniel Kahneman finding that happiness and income are correlated, but only up to $75,000 a year. Beyond that happiness tends to diminish.
Blue Zones.
Lessons learned from the world’s happiest people from the Blue Zones, discovered by demographic researchers Gianni Pes, Michel Poulain, and Dan Buettner, identified 5 world micro regions where people are happier and live much longer (often over 100 years). The differentiators from the rest of us, and the unique commonalities within these places comes down to just 5 factors; (1) a clear life purpose, (2) regular social engagement and feeling valued in society, (3) close family and community interaction, (4) daily physical activity, and (5) a primarily plant-based diet. They are not grinding and stressed every day, but wake up feeling fulfilled, living long, happy and purposeful lives.
Your Life of Meaning and Purpose.
A hard-wired human trait that our societies seem to have forgotten leading to our current dissatisfaction and lack of daily joy, is our feeling of happiness that comes from living a life of meaning, aligned with our true purpose or potential. Most of us have no idea what our true natural purpose is. The vast majority are out there banging away every day, not in touch with, or ignoring our innate senses, 6th sense alarm going off, and feeling stuck in a story that is not theirs and not natural. There has to be more than this!
People are happier when they when they feel they are accomplishing something, and increasingly less happy when they are frustrated, and feel like they are not accomplishing their dreams, - or even worse, if they feel they are going backwards in important elements of their life.
Your Subconscious Mind vs. Your Conscious Mind.
The human mind essentially has two areas; (1) our conscious mind, which contributes to about 10% of our daily thoughts, cognition, rationale, analysis and thinking, and (2) our subconscious mind which contributes the other 90% of our innate understandings, perceptions, habits, emotions, intuitions, and happiness. Yes, happiness is a subconscious, overriding, emotion. You cannot logically tell yourself to be happy, and the tens of thousands of self-help books and videos telling you how to be happy, typically have limited value. The only way you can ever be happy is to change the way you think.
The human mind typically toggles between two channels, (1) our internal mind where your thoughts constantly move between perceptions, knowledge and understandings we hold, related to our beliefs, values, cultural biases and life experiences, - laid over the last conversation we just had, analysis of a specific relationship we have, decisions we have to make, what we are going to do in any specific scenario, etc., and (2) our external channel where we focus on the external world and the exact moment we are in right now, decisions on driving, doing, talking, executing, accomplishing. We spend almost half of our time (46.9% according to Harvard Psychologist) and Author of Stumbling on Happiness Daniel Gilbert tuned into our internal channel - but research shows this is when we are at our least happiest. The more we humans are able to be engaged in the present moment, the happier we tend to be. Cultivation of the mind, is centered on mindfulness, the here and now external channel—not on the thinking (or ego) mind - the internal analysis and self-reflection channel.
What We Think, is What We Become.
“All that we are is a result of what we have thought. What we think we become.” ~ Buddha
The way we think is based on three major factors. (1) our genetics and propensities, (2) our perceptions and understandings of our life experiences, influences and families/teachers/media, (especially in our early stage development), and (3) the influences of the environment and culture we live in. The good news is that we can change our thinking, and we are not our thoughts. We can discipline, change and control our thinking, and we have the ability to determine how to act, react, or behave in relation to them.
Whatever we think most about (our priorities in life), we tend to become. When we are able to understand that we each limit our own potential and the happiness we feel, then we can begin to impact our ability to feel happiness in any scenario.
The 7 Levels of Conscious Thinking.
Multiple studies have shown that the more we elevate our thinking, the happier and more successful we are. We can choose to think at any of the 7 levels at any time. The most successful people typically think (we all fluctuate on all levels, but I am referring to your average level over time/topic), at higher levels, but over 90% of people spend much of their time thinking at levels 1 or 2.
Level 1 is a survival mentality, feeling like you have no options, stuck in a place where you feel powerless to make change, with considerable anxiety, worry, low confidence and self-blame. Level 2 feels like you are battling constantly, with the need to control and have authority over others (many bosses). You have negative energy, often feel rage and anger internally, are territorial, see the world as you vs them, and are struggling to get ahead. Can be fearful and afraid.
Much of our thinking is learned from ages 1-7. We take this thinking learned through a child’s immature and inexperienced brain, and carry this through our entire lives. Many of the thoughts and resultant actions we take, are based on old-fashioned and immature thinking. Hence we don’t get the results, success or happiness we want. Thinking at a higher level, will create more happiness for you, but there is some work to do.
1 in 5 people lives with anxiety. Thinking in a fear-based mentality (Levels 1 & 2), substantially limits your happiness. Your perspective is key to how you think.
How You Can Create Happiness Now.
If you are interested in becoming happier, here is what you can do now. Remember, you need to change some perspectives and paradigms you have, and this will take a little time. Many of these perspectives you believe inextricably in, and you have done your entire life. But some of these viewpoints and understandings are holding you back, and likely are limiting your ability to be happy.
Determine Your True Purpose.
What is it that will give us a motivating purpose every day? Focus on helping others, build relationships, grow yourself personally, and change the world. One of the most important elements to happiness is figuring out your life’s purpose.
This is challenging (a good Life Coach will help you do this), but when you do, all of your decisions will be much easier. Your purpose is a big understanding that will guide your goals, your choices and your life. If you don’t take time and effort to determine your natural purpose, fast-paced careers, family responsibilities, general life and tangible rewards of success will swallow up your time and perspective. If we just head off into life without a rudder—our purpose—we’ll all get buffeted in the stormy seas and demands of life.
Many studies say we are much happier when we stop thinking about ourselves and focus on much bigger visions. We don’t all have the ability to join the Peace Corps, or move to Costa Rica to help the homeless, but we can come up with at least one goal, which will help humanity. This is a long term goal, which will give your life meaning and purpose. Start small join a group, spend a few weeks/months thinking each day about what you want to commit to change the world. This could be a local, regional, national or global not-for-profit, or you could just knock on the door of a neighborhood home that looks like it needs some help in the garden. Become a sports Coach for a young team. Visit a retirement or memory care center. Volunteer at a local shelter or soup kitchen, save whales or volunteer at the local animal shelter. Type “community organizations in [your local area], and you will likely get a long list of organizations who would love your help. Write a book, start a blog, take up sculpture, poetry or paining. Join a volunteer fire department.
Do something for someone else. You will instantly feel more confident and happier.
GAILs.
Gremlins, Assumptions, Interpretations, Limiting Beliefs.
Gremlins – Your inner critic that tells you, in one way or other, that you are not good enough.
Assumptions – an expectation that because something has happened in the past, it will happen again.
Interpretations – an opinion or judgement that we create about an event, situation, persona or experience, that we believe to be true.
Limiting Beliefs – something that we accept about life, about yourself, about the world, or about the people in it that limits you in some way.
We all have these beliefs that hold us back. Focus on these elements of your life. Work with a great Coach (I happen to be one), who can help you move your life or business forward by helping you eliminate the thinking that is holding you back.
Your Personal Values.
“Considerable personal internal conflict and life issues arise in our lives and businesses when we are consciously or subconsciously living outside our important personal values and belief systems.” – Peter Ashworth
Your personal values are your true north, your compass, for guiding you in your thinking, and your decision-making. Values exist, whether you recognize them or not. These values enable you to live with purpose, and are the basis on how you think, and how you act. Every decision you make, factors these in your daily decisions and choices, typically at a subconscious level. These values are both what motivate you, and are “what make you tick.” Values are what are important to us. They are what we truly ‘value’, and what gives us purpose. When you are having challenges in achieving success, or feel internally conflicted, you are often living outside your personal values – but may not consciously realize or understand this.
Your values are unique to you, and everyone has their own personal values. Your values apply to every element of your life, at home, at work, or out with friends or family.
There are two types of values: (1) Fear-based values are the values that cause you to take action to avoid something. They are “have-to’s,” and when you think of them, they are usually followed by “or else.” (2) Conscious-based values allow you to take positive action. They are the “want-to’s,” and aspirations of your life, aligned with your unique self. It is important to determine if you are choosing from passion or fear, and consciously or subconsciously.
Our values change over time and deepen as we better understand the universe, our life, and discover our natural purpose. Knowing your top values, and understanding how to stay true to yourself is critically important to understanding who you are, and in determining your life’s purpose – why you are here, and how you can feel best (happiness), about your role/place in life. Life has significantly more personal clarity and daily happiness when you understand and acknowledge your personal values – and when you make plans and decisions that reflect and honor them.
You at Age 85.
Here is a great exercise to clarify what is important to you. Imagine your life at age 85. You are sitting on a porch overlooking a beautiful view. Now look to your left. Who is there? Anyone? Who is it? Do you love them? Has it been a great life so far? What have you done for others? How have you changed the world? Was your life joyous or not? Are you happy?
Don’t You procrastinate.
Don’t Wait until tomorrow to do what you could get done today. Putting things off until you feel like it creates stress, which leads to unhappiness. People who are unhappy typically have many tasks pushed out into the future. Clear out the mental clutter and worry. If you can get it done today, do it. If not schedule it for tomorrow or whenever, and do it then. It will make you happy.
Conclusion.
Happy people live in the present. They are conscious of what matters most. They have determined to live a full and meaningful life, focusing their thinking, energy and time on pursuits that are bigger than them, and have a purpose to contribute to humanity. They are not focused on the daily hedonic treadmill of accumulating stuff, and see a bigger vision for themselves. They understand that many of the tapes we play in our heads (internal thinking), are incorrect, learned thinking and behaviors that can be changed. They determine to think at a higher level, outside the zones of fear, anxiety and competition with others. They have determined their life purpose, enjoy the moments that matter most, and are incredibly grateful for all they have. Their personal vision is changing the world in some way, so although they continue to deal with the daily grind, they are happier because their vision is much more than this. They have hope, feel blessed, and are happy.
I hope this helps. Contact me if I can help you in any way.
Taking a break to work on my bucket list!
7 年Thank you! I really enjoyed reading your post. I really like the 7 levels of conscious thinking diagram too!