How to handle Strong-willed Children!

Albert Einstein stated that doing the same thing continuously and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. ?Applying approaches or strategies out of habit with your child and expecting different results only frustrates you the parent and emboldens the child. However, if you change the perspective as well as open your mind to new responses to a strong-willed child, you will see different behaviour patterns start to emerge.

I always encourage parents to use a "strong-willed child" rather than a "stubborn child" when addressing their children. Because labels are negative and create resentment. Strong-willed children have strong personality traits. It is important to honour their needs and their unique personalities when teaching them positive discipline while maintaining a healthy parent-child connection based on love and trust.

Power struggles

Perhaps the biggest struggle that a parent has with a strong-willed child is maintaining control. With most children, it is easy to assert that you are the parent and that you should and will be listened to. Yet, with a strong-willed child, this does not work. This is due to the child’s need to have validation and reasoning. Additionally, using “take away” tactics does not work either because eventually, you give whatever you took away back.

To be effective, a parent should try to let the child know that they are listening and working with them as opposed to trying to assert their power over them.

When in a situation that calls for your voice as a parent to be heard, try to remember to stay calm. This may be difficult for you to do, but it needs to be done. If necessary, take time away from the situation so that you can calm yourself down and address the situation. Once you have calmed down, try to avoid certain behaviours which will trigger a child’s stubbornness. Firstly, avoid using labels or identifiers on your child. Secondly, know the triggers that you have and avoid walking into “emotional traps” which could anger you and cause a hostile confrontation. Lastly, listen to your child so that you can respond and address the situation properly rather than react.

If you as a parent wish to have guidance and support to help you identify your parenting triggers so that you do not lose your cool every time you are faced with a parenting challenge then, I believe that an awareness of the self is the key to a more joyful and fulfilling parenting experience. That’s why I created my self-paced course?"From Crazy To Calm - The Empowered Parent Program. Self-Awareness For More Joyful Parenting "?as well as the "Stop Reacting and Start Responding Parenting Empowered Mentoring Programme to help parents gain more self-awareness. and self-control. When you enrol in my course, you become part of a private support group where parents interact and share meaningful feedback with each other.

Let them learn

Sometimes allowing children to learn from their experiences or from the natural consequences of their behaviour is what helps them to understand certain things.?Your strong-willed child might insist on wearing sandals in the middle of winter despite all your effort not to. Instead of getting into any type of power struggle, ?explain why it is not a good idea to wear sandals in winter and if your child still insists, pack his/her boots to be on the safe side and allow him/her to wear their sandals so that your child learns from direct experience that?sandals are not for winter. There are situations where no means no and other situations where you can allow your child to learn directly from their mistakes. Let the child find out the consequences of their actions when they do not pose harm to themselves or others. Be careful not to say "I told you so" once the outcome has played out. Also, do not shield them from the consequences of their actions. It is important that the child understands that their behaviours have consequences.

Get on the same page

Strong-willed children tend to have the perception that their parents are against them. Listening to your child and avoiding power struggles allows for that perception to change. Try to keep the home as a peaceful place, a refuge from the outside world. Managing behaviours may need to be adjusted to maintain peace. Try to avoid saying no to your child as much as possible, instead give the child options to choose from. This gives the Strong-Willed Child the sense that you are on the same page. Positive discipline is much more effective than traditional approaches, such as threats, warnings, withdrawal of love, power struggles, punishments and control. This might sound so unconventional but parents can benefit from working with a parent coach to put in place a positive discipline plan and tried and tested strategies that can work and empower both parents and children.

Setting up for success

To ensure success with your strong-willed child, there are a few things you should do. These methods will encourage interaction with your child but will remove the barriers of negativity. First, give the child plenty of choices. Second, turn tasks or chores into a game. Make it something that they want to do and you will not have to battle with them to do it. Be creative. Establishing clear, kind and firm boundaries help children feel safe because they know what to expect. ??Avoid using words like punishment, making a list of misconduct and misbehaviour, instead focus on all the positives. Nobody likes to be ordered around, there are so many positive ways to help your child learn about boundaries and discipline. If your child responds to you only when you yell and threaten to take away possessions then your strong-willed child will develop immunity to the parent's reactions. It is only a temporary fix. You do not have to lose control as a parent to feel in control. Again, a change of perspective and a positive responsive attitude to learning how best to support your child can definitely be more beneficial to all members of the family.

Be Consistent

Above all, parents need to establish a routine with their children. Routines allow the child to consistently feel safe and secure. It also allows the child to know what to expect from day to day. If your child knows what to expect from day to day or week to week, the behaviour will change. Essentially, involving children in the planning of their routines helps children to take ownership of their progress and achievements. This involves guiding children in their decision-making: but this is a guided choice, and not necessarily a free choice.

For child-initiated activities, allowing time for the children to plan and discuss their activity in advance will bring greater clarity to the children's thought process and will provide further opportunities for stimulating ideas.?

Meet the Trainer

Hello, my name is Arlette Shohmelian and I am a mother of two daughters. I am the Founding Director at Parent Tree; I am also a trained psychologist, parent coach, certified trainer, and well-being consultant with over 20 years of counselling experience.

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