How to Handle Stress in Your Life

Almost everyone I know is going through mad pressure right now. Can’t think why.

Last weekend I had a conversation with my friend let's-call-him-Colin, who works in a demanding role for the English National Health Service, about managing stress. He's been on a resilience training with an English training provider, and I found his insights so valuable that I wanted to share them as a bit of public service.?They can help us all.

Colin openly admitted that he had been "sleepwalking through it," when it comes to stress management. After attending the training, he realized that he needed to make a change. "It just gave me a sort of renewed sense of perspective," he said. He described the training as "by far the most practical, useful training I have ever had" in his 15 years in the job.?

The Four Tenets of Stress Management

The training “Colin” attended focused on four main principles: ?

• Being Present: It's essential to focus on what you're doing now. As Colin put it, "actually stop and actually focus in on what you are doing at that point in time".
• Controlling Attention: Prioritize tasks and focus on what's most important. Colin realized he was not actually focusing on what's important, now, because he was too focused on writing and rewriting his to-do list! He’s actually ditched it, now. Brave man.
• Becoming Detached: Don't let negativity consume you. Colin learned the importance of not letting experiences overwhelm him.?
• Letting Go: Rise above the stress and don't dwell on things outside your control. As Colin explained, "You can't do anything about things outside your control.”

I think the most helpful thing I heard was the house analogy. Colin described an analogy from the training that uses a house to represent your mind. The best place to be is in the "loft," looking down on the negativity and stress flowing through the house, like water in a flood, and allowing you to deal with things without being consumed by them. Don't try to shut the door. Don't try to prevent the pressure. Just detach a bit. Go spend some time in the loft! (*with apologies to my friends who made it through Hurricane Katrina…this is an analogy, not an actual way to deal with actual flooding, or to make light of such a situation).

Different people cope with stress in different ways. From rumination to emotional inhibition, toxic achieving, avoidance coping, perfect control, detached coping, sensitivity, and flexibility. Most of these coping strategies find their analogies in the “house”. So, for example, an oversensitive person spends a lot of energy worrying about what people will think of them going up to the loft. A perfectionist will try to stop the water flow by closing the door, causing the water to rise up outside the house and flood in later.

The training included some psychometric testing beforehand, to help figure out how you manage stress, and my friend scored high in rumination, or the tendency to dwell on negative thoughts, and emotional inhibition, or suppressing feelings, as well as “perfect control,” or perfectionism. Colin recognized the need to be more open about his feelings and stop letting the amount of work he has to do overwhelm him, mentally. He also realized that being a tad less perfectionist about his work could help. I could relate to those bits of advice. The training also emphasized the importance of quality sleep for the body to repair and reset. That’s easier said than done, of course.

Above all, there is no such thing as good stress. It causes the release of adrenaline and cortisol, which, in excess, can harm your organs. Pressure can be positive and provide focus, but stress should always be avoided. The training was called “the challenge of change,” and my friend told me that the challenge the trainers gave him was to “eliminate stress from his life”, no matter what pressure he’s under, from now on. I thought that was pretty optimistic and kind of cool, really, and wondered if I could also eliminate stress from my life.

Since the training, Colin has implemented several changes in his life. ?By focusing on letting go and detaching, Colin has been sleeping better. Prioritizing tasks and staying present has led to increased energy and motivation. He is also working on not letting work dominate his thoughts and is focusing on being present with his family. He made a change of no longer keeping his work computer on in the living room all the time.

From my own perspective as a parent, husband, business owner and entrepreneur, I can endorse pretty much everything my friend said. It was a really helpful conversation, and I hope that hearing about it helps you, too.

Matt Davis is a strategic communications consultant in Manhattan.