How to Handle Emails Delay Anxieties at Work

In 2017, Paige Lee Jones (@paigeleejones) aired her biggest pet peeves on Twitter: “Got an ‘out of office for the holidays’ email after responding to a requested URGENT email within 4 minutes.”

When we speak face-to-face or on the phone, it takes us an average of?just 200 milliseconds?(that’s 0.2 of a second) to respond to another person. It’s also clear to most of us when a conversation is over — we’ve walked away or hung up the phone.

But face-to-face and phone exchanges require both parties to be available at the same time. This is less possible today, with most of us scrambling through our days and collaborating with colleagues across multiple time zones. This, in fact, is a key benefit of digital communication — we don’t?have?to sync up at the same time or place to engage in a real-time dialogue. It takes?90?minutes?for the average person to reply to an email, and?90 seconds?for the average person to respond to a text message. Digital communication allows us to interact with others at our convenience, but that also means it can be S-L-O-W. If we are being honest with ourselves, most of us are uncomfortable with pauses and silences.?What’s with all this quiet? Is everything okay??Our brains come up with one explanation after the next to explain the absence of an immediate response, especially in situations where trust is low and power dynamics are out-of-balance.

Digital conversations are often?asynchronous, meaning that you and I aren’t necessarily having a conversation in “real time.” For example, I could send you an email as you’re running on the treadmill at the gym. I may have just started our conversation, but you aren’t likely to engage in it for another hour, two hours, three hours or more. Asynchronous conversations give us more control over when and how we respond, but if you’re the one who’s waiting to hear back, the gaps in response times can be anxiety-producing. Responding to your employee’s urgent text for help five hours later has the potential to leave your employee feeling angry and alone. As for that little bubble with three dots in iMessage? Yes, it’s handy for telling you when someone is typing, but when it just sits there like a pulsing heart (or is that?your?pulsing heart?), every millisecond can last an eternity. Then, when it suddenly disappears, you’re left wondering whether you are being ignored, or forgotten, or whether someone better came along. It’s no surprise that according to new research 44% of the 2,000 American office workers report frequent digital anxiety.

In a digitally-reliant world, the slightest pause between messages takes on an almost operatic meaning. The thing is, most of the time a non-answer means nothing at all; the other person is simply tied up, doing something else, didn’t notice she’d gotten a text, had her volume turned off or forgot where she put her phone.

Digital silence has taken on new, potentially threatening meanings. In the workplace, more than people feeling worried, silence often makes our colleagues and coworkers feel snubbed — especially if a “read receipt” shows that the message has been read and the other person has chosen not to respond to it. As a friend of mine once put it, “I never know if they’ve actually read it. If you have, then why aren’t you answering? Are you upset with me? Are you ignoring me?” When asked to consider the possibility that the receiver is busy or needs more time to respond in a thoughtful way, her response is, “Yeah, I guess. I just know a lot of people that do so to let you know they’re mad at you.”

Quite possibly, the people you believe have it out for you aren’t mad at all. They’re usually not even thinking about you! Consider the possibility that the person on the other end of your communication is simply overwhelmed. As my client Sarah put it, “Sometimes I don’t answer because I don’t have time to give the response I think is deserved, so I put it off until later. Then I forget and the message received winds up being that I didn’t care enough to respond, when, in fact, I cared too much.”

Adam Boettiger, a well-known digital marketing consultant said, “We’ve seen an increase in the nonresponse rather than just politely declining. You delete it and hope it goes away, just like if someone comes to your door and you pretend you’re not home.”

Each medium — texts, emails, phone calls and all the rest — comes with its own built-in timer. Emails are faster than calls. Texts are faster than emails. Despite constantly having our phones with us, there?are?ideal times to place a call. When calls aren’t scheduled in advance, place a call at the :20 or :50 minute mark of an hour, when others are usually finished with other calls planned at the hour or :30 minute mark. Weekdays during normal work hours, especially mornings, are the best times to send an email that will get a reply. On weekends and afternoons, prepare to receive shorter replies.

It’s perfectly reasonable to set your own boundaries and communication norms.?We can help ease anxieties around these timing expectations with simple, clear communication norms.

Below are 3 ways to ease anxiety and take back control of your time with response time norms:

1.?Value others with a “read receipt”.

Email is getting faster.?A 2015 study by the USC Vertebi School of Engineering found that 50 percent of all email responses were sent within an hour. For those sent by people ages 20-to-35, that number dropped to 16 minutes. People between the ages 35 and 50 typically answered within 24 minutes; and people 50 and older responded roughly 47 minutes later. In the time since that study was published, arguably we are only getting faster, since more of us are using our mobile phones to respond, lowering response times even further.

As email has become a faster paced channel, it’s always a good idea to let the other party know if you got their email, but need more than a few hours to respond. Instead of leaving the recipient waiting (or getting anxious), reply with a quick “Got it! I’ll get back to you by Tuesday.” Or when you send a message at an inopportune time, refer to it with a simple, “No need to respond until the morning.”

2.?Create boundaries around “instant” channels.

IM, chat, text tools — these channels are meant to be — you guessed it —?instant.?For the most part, a response is expected within the hour, although most come within 3 minutes or less. If you get a text during a meeting and can’t respond immediately, it’s a good idea to let recipients know why they haven’t heard from you. Set an away message if you need to.

At the same time, create boundaries. The instantaneous nature of these channels can be misleading. People often use text and IM outside of work hours, and still expect a quick response. It’s perfectly reasonable to establish boundaries. If it’s the first time, respond to the off-hour text with a quick message telling the sender that you won’t be answering until work hours.

3.?Keep calls short and sweet.

Most of us are accustomed to face-to-face meetings and conference sessions that last over an hour, so keep things tight in the modern video or phone call. In that kind of three-dimensional environment, participants have a full range of stimuli, fewer outside distractions, and are generally more easily engaged for longer periods of time. Virtual events leave much more room for distractions and multitasking. A planned structure and a ticking clock can help. Productive virtual meetings have a predetermined time frame, limiting the number of ideas that each member will bring.

When someone standing two feet away asks us a question, we respond instantly. We also know when a conversation has come to a natural end. But today, we are no longer obliged to respond to someone immediately (we have stuff to do!). Finding the balance and when to respond appropriately with simple norms can go a long way to create a culture of clarity — and sanity at work.

Erica Dhawan?is a leading expert on 21st century teamwork and communication. She is an award winning keynote speaker and the author of the new book?Digital Body Language. Download her free guide to?End Digital Burnout. Follow her on?Linkedin.