How to handle criticism & negative feedback

If you have a boss, peers, or an audience (hint: that means all of you), then it's likely you've come up against criticism or negative feedback in your life or work. Sometimes it's genuine, constructive criticism, delivered from a place of kindness or of wanting you to improve. Other times, it might be straight up condescending and disrespectful. Whatever form it takes, feedback, even when it's meant well, can be hard to take.

Here are my 4 recommended steps for dealing with criticism:

1. Calm your nervous system

Before you respond, before you even attempt to consider what they're saying, it's best to take a moment to cool down your nervous system. Particularly if what the person said triggered you in any way, or caused emotional reactions like anger, defensiveness, or self-doubt. My recommendation is to pause for at least 3 deep breaths (focusing on the movement of the breath deep down in the belly). Deep belly breathing helps activate the parasympathetic nervous system, calms down your fight-or-flight response, and could allow you to see the situation more objectively.

2. Ask yourself, "Is it true?"

I think this is one of the most overlooked steps in dealing with criticism. Often you will see advice like "Just let it go" or "Believe in yourself". If you take that route before digesting what might be of value, then you are losing out on an opportunity for growth and improvement. The truth is, you want to surround yourself with people who will call you out on your crap. Otherwise you will stagnate. So don't skip this step! Make sure you're in a calm state of mind, and ask yourself, "Is there any truth to what they're saying? Is it possible I'm wrong about an assumption?" Then, if appropriate, see where you can improve or apply what you've learned for the future.

3. Don't internalize the comment

Often the most painful part of criticism is when we internalize or identify with something negative or unflattering. The key step here, after you've reflected on what might be true, is to let go of the identification with the criticism. If your boss says the recent project was horrible, or wasn't detailed enough, see if it's possible to not let that be a statement about you and your self-worth, but simply be a statement about the project itself. This is easier said than done, but important to understand that it gets easier with practice. The key ingredient to this step is mindfulness, particularly mindfulness of thought patterns. If you can notice self-judgmental thoughts, it's much easier to stop them from being internalized.

4. When appropriate, say thanks

Here's one of the strategies that I absolutely love. When someone criticizes you or your work, see if it's possible to genuinely thank the person for their insights and opinion. This is especially powerful after you've done steps 1-3 (and if it comes from a place of genuine gratitude for being able to improve). Of course, the person who left the comment or gave the feedback may have been actually just trying to hurt you or get under your skin, in which case you can thank them for teaching you how to practice patience and goodwill. There's a lesson to be learned with every interaction. Always see if you can find the silver lining.

What are your strategies?

Those are my 4 steps to dealing with criticism, and I'm curious to hear from you. What do you do when someone gives feedback that is hard to hear?