How to Handle A Bullying Boss (aka The Dominatrix)

In any business transformation, you need leaders who will plow forward to make things happen, especially when certain changes aren’t popular. The Dominatrix doesn’t overanalyze people’s feelings or work to build consensus. These individuals concentrate on the business objectives with laser-like focus and they work to get them done.

Without this kind of character, organizations would be at a standstill. And given the sense of urgency wrapped around most M&A deals, the Dominatrix is perfect for driving quick results that key stakeholders want post-deal. Dominatrices certainly add value, but they have a downfall: they lack people skills. And in many cases, that would be putting it lightly.

Dominatrices can be considered ruthless. They simply do not value other people’s emotions the same as the rest of us. They are prepared to do whatever it takes to achieve their goals, and sometimes it can get nasty. They gain their power by bullying, dominating, or manipulating others. And they don’t really attempt to hide these tendencies because they are not concerned with what their plebian coworkers think of them. Finally, keep in mind that bullying and dominating tendencies show up in all genders.

In most cases, Dominatrices enjoy flaunting their bad behaviors. It is part of how they gain their position—making sure everyone understands that it’s their way or the highway.

They have no qualms about employing sly tactics to do what needs to be done. In their mind, all actions are justified because it’s for the good of the company. Their rabid focus on the business objectives can help them move up the corporate ladder, becoming a critical player in an organization’s success.

Their work style doesn’t make them very many friends along the way, but the truth is, they aren’t trying to make friends.

They’re about execution and end results. Whoever is left standing next to them when those are achieved doesn’t really matter; they’re already on to the next task. This dominating tendency makes them a force to be reckoned with in any organization that needs to get things done—which, let’s face it, is pretty much every organization today.

Dominatrices can take things way too far by going on a power trip where their actions don’t actually benefit the company. This is when things can really go sour. “The Dominatrix I worked with had been at the company for a while and had a lot of product knowledge. Her career had stagnated because she rubbed several leaders the wrong way. Once we were acquired, she morphed into a Dominatrix,” shared one interviewee. “She leveraged her product insights for her betterment and insinuated herself with new leadership to get plum responsibilities. She insisted her team lead projects even when they were not the most qualified. She overpowered people in meetings and cut them off because she knew enough about the products not to care.” The interviewee concluded, “The hardest part was that we had all worked together. She turned other people on her team combative toward our team so they could keep control. She set that example and her team followed suit.”

The five telling signs you are working with a Dominatrix:

1. Risk-taking and a willingness to push things ahead. Where others might hesitate, say push to gather more data or wait for group consensus, the Dominatrix will charge forward and become easily annoyed by any handwringing from others.

2. Charms people into following them. Through their inspiring oratory skills and confident presentation, they often can convince people that their way is the only way forward.

3. Tendency toward grandiosity, with big schemes and plans. These bosses thrive on an amazing array of complicated spreadsheets and detailed PowerPoint slides (which are put together by someone else) that paint a vivid picture of how the plan or strategy is so obvious and must be pursued.

4. Indifference to other people’s opinions. Remember, they are tasked with “getting it done.” They don’t have time to debate.

5. Mistrusting of others and believing those who disagree are the enemy. Given their view that others don’t get the bigger picture, anyone who questions the plan or isn’t “all in” is a target for their wrath.

Many of my interviewees highlighted the Dominatrix as a forceful character who had good and bad traits, who could make great progress quickly in an organization but be absolutely destructive to morale in getting there. They equally noted the unique leadership styles of Dominatrices. They could be either a seductress or a straight-out bully, depending on what tactic helped them achieve their objectives. They acted differently depending on the audience and their needs.

When dealing with Dominatrices in M&A deals, remember they’ve been appointed the designated “enforcer,” tasked with the dirty work of pushing through the acquisition and the integration.

If you are having trouble with this, you need to consider the role you want to play in the change. If you believe in the change yet have reservations about some of the decisions and how they will be executed, you need to present those concerns in a rationalized way versus as an emotional challenge. A Dominatrix has no time for emotionally driven pushback. If you present your concerns as supportive of the change but demonstrate the practical challenges you/ the team could face in executing them, a Dominatrix will see you not as a threat but as a valuable player.

Several of my interviewees shared helpful perspectives and lessons learned while working with the Dominatrix. The key is to know your value. Be confident in your skills and show how your experience will contribute to the change and the Dominatrix’s vision of how it should happen. If you don’t doubt your skills, the Dominatrix should have no reason to either. Consider this advice to navigate the various situations you may face:

1. Know more about something than they do (or ever could).

Become invaluable by being an expert on something critical to their vision. Make sure they are aware of your expertise. Make yourself essential to their success.

Example: “I have been digging into the latest budget forecasting and I think there is a way to shave costs in product development so that we can fund the new project you identified as critical. If you’d like I could crunch the numbers and come back to you with ways we might do this.”

2. Never doubt them (openly).

Do not express negative feelings about something they have said or proposed in an open forum. If you do, your goose is cooked. While you may have good reason to doubt or question what’s proposed, you need to be smart about how you engage. When asking a question, phrase it in a way that highlights their brilliance.

Example: “I am really intrigued by the business strategy you shared for the department. I see a role for our team in helping to achieve your vision, but I would benefit from further discussion to make sure my thinking is aligned with yours. Would you have time to meet and help me understand how we can contribute to the objectives you defined?”

3. Consistently provide valuable intel.

Be smart on the data: what you have, what the gaps in knowledge are, questions that remain, etc. The more intelligence you have that informs the vision being pursued, the more valuable you will be. One caution: people will clam up quickly if they think you’re leveraging the data to serve your own agenda. Provide insightful perspective without being a brownnoser.

Example: “I know in the last meeting there was concern your proposal might be too ambitious, but I am hearing from the product guys that we could actually make that timeline work. We would just need to eliminate one of the approval stages that really is unnecessary for this type of plan. It might be worth following up on.”

4. Compliment them.

Praise the vision they have laid out, the strategy they have defined, or the presentations they give. As tough as Dominatrices present themselves, they still react positively to acknowledgment of their efforts. Find the positives and be generous with praise.

Example: “I found your presentation enormously helpful. How you laid out the future business strategy helped it finally make sense. My team would benefit from having you present your vision directly to them.”

5. Don’t bother trying to get close.

When pushing through change, especially unpopular change, it’s hard to make friends. Your path to a productive partnership is through demonstrating the value you bring to helping achieve the vision, not in becoming the Dominatrix’s BFF.

Example: “Hey there, just wanted to say good night. I will have that spreadsheet adjusted with your comments, and on your desk, first thing in the morning.”

My last piece of advice, born from dealing with a few Dominatrices across the course of my three acquisition experiences: more than any other character,

Dominatrices have certain triggers that could ruin your ability to work with them and succeed.

In the spirit of having a little fun, here are a few quick ways to annoy the hell out of your Dominatrix (meaning, don’t do these if you want to succeed):

• Question his judgment
• Ask questions that clearly demonstrate you don’t see the bigger picture
• Delay execution because you think others should be engaged or consensus built
• Don’t follow-up with him on a request he made
• Quote someone who he clearly despises
• Openly doodle while he is presenting

Dominatrices can play a critical role in the short term but almost always struggle later, as teams are rarely inspired by fear in the long term. Their dominating approach can compel people to stall their efforts, resist the forceful approach, or even leave the company. The question is whether you can weather the storm, thrive during the downpour, and maintain a hold on a functioning umbrella. Your ability to manage this character will serve you well throughout your career, as the Dominatrix will definitely not be your last difficult boss.

Jennifer J Fondrevay has been called an "M&A Whisperer". The Founder of Day1 Ready consultancy Jennifer advises forward-thinking business leaders, owners and C-Suite executives on how to prepare for the human capital challenges of Mergers & Acquisitions. As a Fortune 500 “survivor” of three multibillion-dollar acquisitions, Jennifer has experienced all sides of the deal equation. She shares her expertise as a contributor to: Harvard Business Review, Inc., Forbes, Fast Company, Thrive Global, Middle Market Growth; and as a frequent podcast guest and keynote speaker. Her best-selling satirical business book, "NOW WHAT? A Survivor's Guide for Thriving Through Mergers & Acquisitions" has been used by numerous Private Equity firms as a primer for their leaders going through an M&A deal.