How Halloween taught me to prioritize what matters

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The air is getting crisp, the leaves are beginning to turn, and that can only mean one thing: it’s almost Halloween! It has always been one of my favorite holidays. I love the fun in the neighborhood, the nostalgia it brings up for my old favorites (I’ll trade you for that Baby Ruth or Almond Joy!), and the creative costumes. Halloween is always full of surprises, and somewhere between the trick-or-treating and the candy wrapper cleanup, I learned a couple of important life lessons.?

I’m thinking of two notable Halloweens, one that taught me about what I value, and the other that taught me how to make space for those essential experiences: two vital lessons for any professional—especially working moms. Here’s how spooky season helped me learn to prioritize what matters, to say “no,”and how to set effective boundaries.

Know what’s important to you?

I spent one Halloween between jobs. I’d been laid off during the 2009 economic crisis and was beginning to consult part-time. As a result, I had a lot more time on my hands than usual, and that resulted in some pretty epic Halloween planning! Growing up, store-bought costumes were looked upon with disdain, and we were encouraged to make our own. When I became a mom myself, the pop-up Halloween stores were all over our area and Disney had become a marketing machine. For a while, we worked our way through a whole range of store-bought costumes, from princesses to dalmatians to Hannah Montana. But that year was different. I got in touch with my creativity—I’m pretty proud of the “Maggie being kidnapped by a martian” costume —and while I’ve not revisited paper mache since, this project led to us transforming the basement into a haunted house for Katie’s October birthdays.

So what does all this have to do with my career?

Being at home with my daughters allowed me to better experience this holiday through their eyes—and they love Halloween (one of them is currently building out a haunted garage). And that made me never want to miss another night of trick-or-treating. What matters to us differs from one person to another, and it can shift as the seasons of motherhood change. But no matter what matters to you—Halloween, storytime, date night—it’s essential to make it a non-negotiable priority in your life.

Learning to say “no”

Another Halloween season, I was faced with a work travel request that would have made me miss trick-or-treating with my girls. And I wasn’t alone. Three of us—myself and two male colleagues—were affected, and we all had young children at home. There are precious few years where kids still gladly trick-or-treat with their parents, and none of us wanted to miss it. In the moment, the guys’ frowns told me that they thought the date of our departure was a done deal, a sacrifice that came with the territory. But there was no way I was going to miss Halloween.?

I had always been the “yes” person, agreeing to many volunteer opportunities and extra work. As my plate began to overflow, it became harder to say “no,” both due to my interest in a lot of the opportunities and because saying “yes” had become part of my identity. I was the go-to person, always ready to help, eager to learn, able to do it all, all the time. Sometimes we don’t know our boundary lines until they are crossed. As Gretchen Rubin says “the days are long but the years are short.” This situation forced me to do what I avoided doing for so long. So I finally said no to Halloween travel; I’d take the early flight on November 1 instead.?

And you know what? It was fine. Nothing like the damage to reputation or relationship that I subconsciously worried about when saying no. My colleagues jumped on the train as well, and were grateful to me for speaking up.?

Early on, when I tried to say no, I would undo my message by giving too much detail on why I couldn’t do something. I made some progress at work, but it was just as hard to do at home. I see now that I was bumping into my own images of what being a wife, mom, ideal leader, and model employee looked like. It was all about others, and I’d neglected to take care of myself. It took a larger identity shift for me to finally set a few more boundaries.??

Use the 3 Cs to set the boundary

Boundary setting is difficult for many women. While we know that we need to establish boundaries, we hold back, worried about the response we might get. I found that becoming a mom actually enabled me to draw boundaries more than I had been able to in the past. With more years of work and life and an empty nest, I now focus on what matters most to me and spend time with those priorities in mind. I wish I had learned earlier how to be clearer on what matters and how to draw my lines more articulately and firmly. That’s why I created the 3 C’s framework. I suggest you practice in the smallest of ways at first, then on bigger ones.

• Clarify: Begin by clearly stating the boundary, avoiding minimizing words or phrases like? “I kind of want to...” or “I just…”. Don’t add questions (unless you’re negotiating), and keep your reasoning brief. Doing so focuses the discussion on how to handle the boundary itself, not if it should be in pace. An example of a clearly stated boundary is: “I’m unable to take on that project given my other commitments.”
• Connect: After you state your boundary, listen to the other person’s reaction. Many of us who struggle to set boundaries are deeply empathetic. So use that gift to your advantage, and acknowledge the impact your choice might have on the other person. Don’t apologize, but connect with compassion. While you can’t control their response, you can learn from it, and that will help as you consider your next steps. “I know this doesn’t solve your issue” is a way to acknowledge the situation without making it your problem.
• Collaborate: Finally, offer support in ways that help the other person take the lead, as they, not you, will be on point for the future. Help them to create ideas around the options and by what is needed to move forward. For example, you could say “I can suggest a few names of those who might have time to project manage the initiative. I’m happy to brainstorm other options.”

Practicing the 3 Cs allows you to set boundaries in a way that feels authentic, with confidence and empathy. Over time, these small steps will help you protect your priorities and create a healthier balance in both work and life. When you state what you can and can’t do, it’s kind to the other person to be clear and firm.?

Halloween is a great reminder to me to focus on what’s important and to set boundaries that honor those priorities. Your reminders may be different, but the lesson is the same: moments that matter can’t be replicated. Make space for them. So, embrace the fun, set your boundaries, and enjoy Halloween with intention.

In July, I celebrated one year of Swag-HER! I’m so grateful for your readership and support of my work. I hope you’ll share Swag-HER with the women in your life! Make sure you never miss an issue by clicking “Subscribe” in the upper right-hand corner.?

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