How To Grow From a Mistake Instead of Stewing

It's easy to obsess over mistakes at work and let them steal your vibe. Today I'm going to share the five steps I use to make sure I learn, quickly, from mistakes the moment I notice I'm stewing on them rather than focusing on where I want to go.??

Yesterday I made a mistake. At least I think I did. I was having a conversation and things got a little awkward. I said things that later on I wished I'd said differently, more aligned with my values and vision.

The outcome I had hoped for from the conversation didn't happen. And now I'm left with the scenario replaying in my mind, the feelings of regret and shame lodged in my chest every time the moment returns to taunt me.?

Ever happen to you??

Here's how I take that natural, human inclination to find a problem with myself or others and turn it into a golden nugget worth thousands of dollars to my business and greater self-warmth for me.?

The first step is to separate out the facts of the matter from my thoughts about it. What exactly was said, and what exactly happened as a result? Putting it in black and white with no extra judgment is the first step to disentangling yourself from the moment and being able to learn from it. I write this in my self-coaching notebook (it's a Google doc right now).

The next step is to acknowledge the thought and feeling you're having about the mistake. What are you telling yourself about the situation you just wrote down?

A common one for me is, "I screwed up." It's not a factual statement, it's just my judgy interpretation. And it never creates a useful emotion or consequent actions.?

Find out what your go-to shame inducing phrase is and notice that you're the one applying it to this situation. Even if someone else said it, the only thing that would cause the feelings of shame or regret would be your belief in it.

Acknowledge the power of your interpretation and belief in creating the experience of stewing and ruminating. Notice the things you do when you feel the guilt, shame, embarrassment or whatever you feel from the belief that you made a mistake that you shouldn't have. Generally not great outcomes; more stewing, etc. Not moving forward and learning is the real problem, after all.

Once you've noticed the judgment you're applying and acknowledged how it's making you feel you may already see an opening in the situation where you can start learning from it. The emotion of shame tends to start moving the moment you acknowledge it, making room for feelings of compassion, presence, or others that make insight possible.

As that happens ask yourself this question: Why is it perfect that the situation happened as it did?

It can feel like a stretch at times but bear with me. By asking why it's perfect you're inviting yourself to take the opposite perspective. Do this gently, since part of you will no doubt still believe that it was far from perfect. But if you do it sincerely you will start to create more space around the belief that what you did was a problem.

I did this on my experience from yesterday and was able to come up with seven reasons that it unfolded perfectly. They weren't all "well isn't this wonderful" statements either. Some of them included, "Because sometimes unpleasant things happen in business" and, "I will continue to do things a certain way until I truly learn the lesson waiting for me." But I did find some pleasant things in there, including my inspiration for today's article. I'm sure you'll find nuggets with this question as well, but don't force it. Let the perfection unfold. It's there, hidden in the details.

Finally, acknowledge that you make sense. Your thoughts of self-judgment and feelings of shame all make sense, as unhelpful as they may be at times. For me I've told myself that self-judgment is motivating, so that's why I do it. And even though it ends up being the opposite of motivating, it doesn't stop my brain from going there when something goes wrong. So I give my judgy thoughts and feelings of shame a big hug. I welcome them as part of who I am and how I respond to life. They're not the only thing about me, but they are a thing. So I love them too.

By welcoming your entire experience, you become more objective about who you are, rather than embarrassed by your perceived shortcomings. After all, you're human. Gloriously incongruous at times. Full of conflicting motivations and blind spots that sometimes get the better of you. It's not a problem, it's just what it looks like to be your amazing self. And once you re-integrate those parts you can get back to living in alignment with your vision and values, knowing that everything is happening just as it's supposed to.

To summarize, when you notice yourself stewing over a mistake:

1. Write down the facts of the situation in black and white
2. Write down the thought you're having about it and the way that thought makes you feel
3. Sit with the feeling for a few breaths and notice how it shifts as you acknowledge it
4. Ask yourself, gently, how the situation unfolded perfectly
5. Embrace your humanness and move on with the new insights and self-warmth

And if you want someone there to support you with this and anything else that comes up on your path of leadership, DM me. I have room for one more 1:1 client this month and would love to connect with you.