How to grieve a harmful and hurtful workplace

Leaving a toxic workplace is akin to walking out of a battlefield with invisible wounds. The scars are psychological, the aches existential. You’ve escaped, yes, but now what? Like grieving after the loss of a bad relationship, leaving behind a harmful work environment can feel both liberating and deeply unsettling. The key is to manage this peculiar cocktail of emotions by recognising the hidden value in the experience and emerging stronger, wiser, and oddly grateful.

So, how do you go about grieving the loss of something so harmful? Let’s break it down:

1. Give yourself permission to grieve (yes, even the toxic)

In a world that glorifies productivity, we often feel the need to “move on” quickly, especially after leaving something as corrosive as a bad job. But pause for a second–grief isn’t just about mourning what was good; it’s also about processing the bad. You may be tempted to slap on a brave face, but unresolved emotions tend to fester, popping up when you least expect them. Allow yourself to sit with your anger, frustration, and disappointment. Let yourself grieve–it’s not a sign of weakness but a step towards clarity.

2. Detox your mind (but not like a 48-hour juice cleanse)

Much like a bad breakup, the psychological remnants of a toxic workplace can linger long after you've handed in your resignation. You might find yourself replaying conversations with your narcissistic boss or cringing at the microaggressions you had experienced daily. This is natural, but these thoughts need an exit strategy. Detox your mind by putting these memories in their proper context: a chapter, not the whole story.

A helpful exercise? Write down the absurdity of your experience. Imagine narrating it to a friend over drinks. Once you see the lunacy on paper, it becomes easier to let go.

3. Reframe the experience: The sunk costs

Toxic workplaces often leave you wondering: “Why did I stay so long?”. Here’s a behavioural economics trick: think of your time there not as wasted but as invested learning. It’s the sunk cost fallacy at play–you’ve spent too much time in a situation, so you feel you must stay to make it worthwhile.

But, now, liberated from the workplace equivalent of a collapsing pyramid scheme, you can see it for what it was: a seminar in resilience, interpersonal skills, and—perhaps most crucially—spotting red flags from miles away.

In hindsight, you’ve extracted value from this experience in the form of lessons. The key is to frame your narrative as one of growth, not victimhood.

4. Surround yourself with “behavioural buffers” (aka people who aren’t psychopaths)

Psychologically, we’re all heavily influenced by the environments we find ourselves in. If your workplace was a petri dish of narcissism, micro-management, sexism, or outright racism, your immediate priority is to surround yourself with healthier influences. Seek out colleagues, friends, or mentors who embody the work culture you aspire to be part of.

Think of them as “behavioural buffers”—people who will subtly nudge you back towards your better self. These buffers can help you recalibrate your perspective, helping you to realise that not all workplaces operate like an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit on a bad day.

5. Set boundaries, but with finesse

Leaving a toxic workplace may trigger a rush to overhaul your boundaries—vowing never to accept such treatment again. But here’s the rub: boundaries, like passwords, work best when customised. The lesson isn’t just about erecting walls; it’s about knowing where, when, and with whom to build them. Create boundaries that allow you to protect yourself without becoming overly rigid. Learning how to say no to the wrong things allows you to say yes to the right opportunities.

Consider it an act of behavioural self-control: you’re not rejecting the world, just the parts of it that do you harm.

6. Redefine success: The “marginal gains” approach

Toxic workplaces often distort your idea of success. If you’ve been stuck under a boss who takes credit for your work or constantly moves the goalposts, it’s time to redefine what winning looks like for you. Real success comes from marginal gains – small, incremental improvements that compound over time.

Perhaps it’s about rebuilding trust in yourself or enjoying a healthier work-life balance, or even simply recognising that you’re more resilient than you thought. Celebrate the little wins, and before you know it, you’ll realise that leaving was the best decision you ever made.

7. Don't underestimate the power of psychological wealth

Finally, one of the most freeing aspects of leaving a toxic environment is rediscovering what psychological wealth looks like. No amount of salary can compensate for a sense of purpose, dignity, and being treated with respect. Studies in behavioural economics have shown that our happiness is more closely tied to autonomy and relationships than it is to pure financial gain.

As you grieve and heal, remember that true wealth isn’t measured solely by what’s in your bank account. It's in the freedom to choose where you spend your time and the people with whom you share it. This realisation will help you make more conscious decisions about your future work environments.

Closing thoughts: Grieve, grow, and guard your well-being

Grieving after leaving a harmful and hurtful workplace isn’t just about processing loss; it’s about repositioning yourself for a healthier, more aligned future. Remember, recovery is an investment in you. Like the best behavioural nudges, small, intentional steps will guide you towards a future where you define your worth—and where toxicity is something you spot early and sidestep with ease.