How Great Leaders Stay Happy When Their Dreams Slip Away

It’s rare to meet a leader who just works for the paycheck.

Choosing to lead typically comes with aspirations, even among those who are reluctant at first. But as they climb toward the top of the ladder, most leaders begin to dream bigger.

• One CEO has stepped up to urgently reinvent a company facing extinction. He always dreamed of doing “something important”, which now means being the courageous catalyst of a bold rebirth. He understands the odds, but for him, success would be the ultimate achievement.
• Another aims to introduce a new payment and investment alternative for a large healthcare system – a massively complex undertaking that would distinguish her as a radical changemaker. She has long dreamed of leading change that increases community access to healthcare. Having grown up in a family that couldn’t afford it, she hopes to shield others from similar struggles.
• An energy CEO knew he wanted to be a CEO when he was 12 years old. He admits his dream with some hesitation, wondering aloud, “Does that make me power hungry?” But his aspirations have little to do with himself and are more about the people in his organization. He is driven to deliver profits in a caring, socially responsible company where people love to work.

Part of my job is to learn about leaders’ aspirations and help as they pursue them. Whether they seek to invent, change, or bring humanity, the path is never a straight line. For the CEOs above, nothing about their paths is similar, except one thing:

They all know that their dreams won’t come true.

Each has faced setbacks so significant that they have been forced to redefine their aspirations. I’ve heard quotes like these:

• “It’s time for me to acknowledge that we’ll probably never get there.”
• “I’ve learned that I have to moderate my hope and optimism.”
• “I just have to grow up and realize that I can’t always have my dreams.”

But more than the words they say, it’s how their demeanor changes that is so striking. Eager, energized, and vigorous, executives with big dreams can be exciting to work with. But when obstacles become insurmountable, an evenness sets in. They begin to display a sustained calmness: less alarm from disappointing results or bad news: less enthusiasm for new directions and possibilities.

Some might chalk this up to maturity. The School of Hard Knocks gives way to a more balanced and lucid understanding of one’s limitations. It goes with the territory. And that would be fair.

But still, when dreams fade, there is loss. And that can be disorienting. What once animated a leader’s energy is no longer available.

Or is it?

Working with so many wise leaders, I’ve learned that aspirations are connected to strengths. When people discover and grow their natural gifts, they seek to put them to work in the world.?Research?has traced this reality. Happiness doesn’t happen when we get what we want, but?instead?when we’re on a path to realizing our innate potential. For senior executives, this path often crosses decades and can lead to very specific hopes which, when lost, brings emptiness.

In these moments it’s important to remember that the origin of aspiration is seldom the destination, like saving a dying company or inventing a new one. Those big dreams tend to emerge long after the quest to realize one’s potential has begun.

While we may lose the chance to achieve certain ambitions, the opportunity to actualize our full potential is never lost.

The secret to the restoration of energy and drive is not to simply choose a new destination or settle for a lesser one. The key lies in the following question:

What unique strength did I discover in myself that led me to pursue my aspirations?

Pro tip: Getting to the answer usually requires some digging. It’s not always easy to recall what you believed about yourself when you first started to dream bigger, especially if that was decades ago. But as I’ve watched leaders dive into this, it’s clear that finding the answer can convert the sense of loss into a rediscovery of possibility.

Working with one CEO, we found ourselves discussing his love for flying and devotion to mastery as a pilot. As he shared details of his struggles and achievements, I asked him to go back to the first moments of his learning journey. His first flight. His first test. Worst and best landings. His first in-flight crisis. He recalled how he had become a great pilot:?“I’m very deliberate.”

We then pivoted to his leadership career, and he recounted his path in a similar way. He had climbed, jumped, and sometimes tripped into new jobs and assignments, and again each memory refreshed his self-insight. I asked him to name the one key strength that enabled him to succeed across all those roles. His answer: “I build great teams.”

That was it. I watched his face brighten and heard his voice rise. It was the satisfaction of self-recognition, rediscovering what made him want to be a leader. He hadn’t become CEO purely to pursue business objectives. Of course, those were, and are, critical elements. But he always knew there were no guarantees. It was the opportunity to build great teams at ever-higher levels that had propelled his confidence and drive.

In that moment, he put his finger on the origin of his aspirations. Suddenly, the redefinition of his goals was happening through the lens of his unique signature as a leader: Team Builder. Sure, not achieving his grandest business objectives was disappointing, but instead of being an endpoint, it was now just a waypoint.

He could work with that. And he was smiling as he left the room.

I hope you remember your strengths this week and always, especially if your dreams start to fade. The world needs your gifts.