Confident Children Starts At Home – Finding Greatness In Your Children

?Confidence is a word that gets thrown around a lot by coaches and other well intending leaders. I’ve had a coach say, “Just be more confident.” It was time for a new coach because it’s not that simple. Yes, the more confident we are, the more we can achieve. Sure confidence allows us to step up with an “S on our chest” mindset, saying “I’ve got this!” through our actions [and words]. When life brings trouble our way, confidence can be a fleeting fair-weather friend. Self-doubt can hit anyone at any time. Insecurities seem to be amplified when we’re in the season of struggle.

In some cases, those insecurities seem to eat away at any confidence that you have, leaving you wondering how you ever accomplished anything. In Hailie’s Song, Eminem states, “My insecurities could eat me alive.” Here’s one of the most successful music artists of all time, talking about his struggles to feel confident.” So being told to be confident is a nice sentiment, but it requires a road map or at least better direction.

Training, preparation, and repetition are all helpful when it comes to confidence. You can’t be a confident surgeon without proper education and real-world application, before grabbing a knife and slicing open a patient. If you’ve never spoken in front of an audience and you jump on stage, there’s a strong chance you’ll struggle to present your message the way you could if it was your one-hundredth time. Even if you’re naturally charismatic and a strong speaker, if it’s a new process or new material, the wrong look from an audience member or the site of someone getting up and leaving the room can drain any confidence you had. If there’s an area in your life you lack confidence, try working on it. Maybe it’s just self-confidence in general. Find one area to work on and then continue to expand to other areas and you might just find your confidence growing.

Confidence is not just an adult issue. Yes, “adulting” is when you face some of your biggest life challenges. And as a parent, I often laugh at what children see as “stressful” or challenging. However, it’s often all relative. After all, my worst days would be a breath of fresh air for some who are suffering from far worse afflictions. Despite that, I hate when my kids question their abilities or believe they aren’t good enough. My daughter faces it the most. She has a bold and dynamic personality that makes me believe she could be anything she wants to be. She inspires me and makes me want to bottle her ability to connect with people of all ages. She’s funny and has a huge heart, but she’s also guilty of trying too hard in some social situations. She’s never met a stranger, but I argue that she’s often better with adults than kids her age. She has friends at school, but the degree of that relationship can change from day-to-day. As many try to claim that boys behave differently than girls due to how they are brought up, I have witnessed far different dynamics from my experience. I’m not asking for the sexist label, but I have seen drama from my daughter’s female classmates from the day she joined preschool. With my son, there has been virtually none. Maybe my experience is isolated, but most of the parents I’ve known agree that little girls can be hard on each other. While my daughter seems to own any room she walks into; her confidence can get crushed at the drop of a word of dissent from one of her peers.

As a divorced entrepreneur dad, I am often busy, and when my kids are with me, I am juggling parenting and working. I often lean more toward work than I should at times, but to be fair, I have sacrificed a lot to be an “engaged” parent. It’s stressful and a lot to manage at times, wearing both hats. I used to prioritize work more, but the guilt of divorce and my desire to be a positive influence on my children make my work-life balance a literal seesaw, emotional ride. When I’m in “work mode” I must be careful not to dismiss what my kids are saying and feeling. A bad day here and there is part of life for a person of single-digit age. However, I gave up the idea that “it’s just kids being kids” a long time ago. A former co-worker lost her 12-year-old daughter to suicide a couple of years back. I lost a close friend in the same manner when I was a teenager, and I’ve known others who have also taken their own lives. This little girl’s death opened my eyes. Everyone who met she loved her, seemed to be on top of the world, and she never met a stranger. Still, she managed to find herself seeing life as too hard to continue. It’s heartbreaking and soul-shaking, but it is just too much of a common story today. Therefore, when my kids struggle with confidence or seem to struggle emotionally, I take it seriously. Okay, maybe “overreact” is the right word to use. Most of that overreaction remains internalized, as I don’t want to raise too much awareness to the issues.

My daughter recently was having problems with a girl at school. They weren’t friends, but they both liked a girl who often gets pulled between them. My daughter came home with her feelings crushed over the fact that her friend had chosen to hang out with the other girl and some hurtful statements sparked hard feelings. It was a small issue for me when she shared it, but it was a huge issue for her. Over time it worked itself out, but I noticed my daughter started questioning herself more. She’s a talented little gymnast, a great dancer, a good student, and has a witty personality that will steal your heart. So why does this person who seems to be able to do everything question if she can do anything? There are times I admire her confident attitude, but then I often get reminded that it’s more smoke and mirrors than reality. If only she could see what I see in her, what everyone sees in her, she’d feel lifted instead beat down. In a previous article, I shared how I have my kids share a gratitude list on the way to school. Also, we are starting to leverage incantations and affirmations, which help my kids get closer to feeling what I see in them.

Building up our children is not always easy. We see their problems as often insignificant when we’re facing a mountain of stress in our own life. As a divorced entpreneur, I have plenty of areas I can get pulled, but I’m learning that the ones who need me most are sleeping upstairs as I write this. I have often heard, “you’ll never get this time back” and when it comes to my kids, I wish I had taken that to heart throughout the entire journey. I’m doing my best to find ways to balance the scale toward their needs, but when that happens, I take on a client who seems to believe their needs are a top priority or some other challenge arises. I count this among one of the many challenges of being divorced as an entrepreneur. Still, prioritizing your children will always pay dividends. So, when my daughter tells me she isn’t good at anything, I don’t just dismiss it as her being a kid. I address it head-on, by reminding her of what I see. It’s a simple as reminding her of the talents I’ve witnessed as she’s grown over the last seven years. I remind her of her heart for people, and I remind her of how proud I am for everything she is accomplishing and how’s she’s helped me grow as a person. That last area is one so often neglected, and it’s possibly one of the most important. Kids put their parents on a pedestal, at least in their early years. However, I am only “pedestal worthy” because of my children. When was the last time you sat down and thanked them for what they have given you? They likely know you love them, but do they know what a gift they are?

Two days ago my daughter told me that I’m very patient and that it takes a lot to get me mad. I loved hearing that because I feel like I’m constantly raising my voice when I’m trying to get them to follow through with something I’ve requested more than a handful of times. There’s not a parent out there who doesn’t get frustrated with their children, and I don’t want them feeling like angry dad is all they know, so I work on it. It’s easy to beat children down emotionally, but parenting is supposed to be hard, so skip the easy route. Finding time to bond is critical. I don’t always take time to play with them as I should, but when I do its a time full of laughter (until sibling rivalry starts), which I find is a great way to get closer to them. Laughing with my kids, learning how to lift their spirits, and showing them love is how I try to parent. I fail regularly, but I always fight my way back. It makes me more confident as a parent, and when I’m confident around them, it has a powerful trickle-down effect.

I know what it’s like to struggle with confidence, so when I see it in my kids, I want to squash it. That’s a tall order, as a pat on the back from dad is not going to give someone confidence in an area they struggle. They are savvy enough to know I’m supposed to think they are amazing. Still, reminding them of their strengths and not condemning them for their weaknesses is a way to helping them grow up believing in themselves. I know my father was proud of me, but he never expressed it. I played in the College National billiard championship tournament my Junior year of college. I was interviewed on television and in a couple of newspapers. My father was a high school teacher, and I found out that he was showing one of the articles to almost anyone he could, to the point, the kids were getting annoyed hearing how excited he was. I was really surprised, as he never really shared with me that he was proud of my accomplishment, but he shared it with others. No offense to my father but I do not want my kids ever wondering if I was proud of them, so my approach is different.??

A few days ago my girlfriend suggested she was going to create something for my daughter to showcase some of her talents. She’s a graphic artist, so she can visually represent what I can only do verbally. My eyes have opened to the concept of finding multiple ways to show our kids that they inspire us and others around them. I always tell my children they hold great power to lift others or tear others down, just with the attitude the present. It’s hard always to be happy and positive, but if we remember that we hold that same power, let’s lift up our children and remind them how great they are and how great they can be. If you don’t see your children in that light, then perhaps you need to look at yourself. Children rebel and react because of what they witness and experience at home. Put down the cell phone and engage with your children. Remind them of why your life is better with them and help them see greatness in themselves because others see greatness in them. Don’t make them figure it out on their own, since the story they tell may not be the one you intended them to hear. Confidence is learned, so let them see what it’s like to believe in themselves, even if you’re struggling to believe in yourself. As their confidence grows, so will yours, as you might be good at this parenting thing, after all.

Paul Kirch is the host of the the top 10 business podcast show,?BOSS Academy Radio(BossAcademy.com) and an entrepreneur who knows the struggles divorced entrepreneur face as a parent, a professional, and a partner in his budding relationship. If you want to learn more, follow him on?LinkedIN.