How to be Good Enough in 2020

Every December I write an end of year article, based on reflection and prediction. More than ever, I’ve noticed the amount of times people (and of course myself) question if they have enough, did enough, is enough. As I haven’t heard your story, and thus do not have the answer, I do have the right counter question: for whom?

During a career coaching group session I held a few weeks ago, one of the participants said something I can’t get out of my head. I’ve heard it so many times before, and I hear aspects of it in many conversations I have.  

We were talking about our current careers and jobs and what we did and didn’t like about it. We spoke about the constant messages from entrepreneurs and business coaches telling people they should quit their jobs and start their own business to find happiness. We spoke about how 75% of people say they are unhappy at work. And thats when she said, ‘I have a high level job, I make good money, I own my apartment, but I just don't know if if I’m doing the right things, I just don’t know if I’m good enough.’  

It’s noble and important to be ambitious and to want something great out of your life, but there comes a point when it becomes a source of unnecessary trouble and anxiety.

This agony comes from a particular place of excessive hope and this despair is a consequence of a cruel and counterproductive perfectionism. A helpful concept to reduce this stress is the charming phrase Good Enough. Nobody needs an ideal worker, or parent, or partner, or colleague. They simply need someone who is an okay, pretty decent, usually well-intentioned, sometimes a bit grumpy, but basically reasonable girlfriend, or brother, or mother, or employer. 

This does in no way mean to settle for second best. Perfectionism takes a toll, and to remain more or less sane (which is a pretty big ambition already), we have to learn to love ourselves, and not go into self hatred when we fail to be what no ordinary human being ever really is. 

The concept of Good Enough was invented by British psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott, in the 1950s to help parents escape from dangerous ideals. Whilst it began in relation to parenthood, it can be applied across life, love and in this case work. 

So many of my clients dream of perfect careers, with continuously challenging work, funny and intelligent colleagues, great bosses, and a soup of laughter and promotions. And if they don’t have it, they feel miserable, as if they are unlucky, unsuccessful, and have failed their mission to become the next Richard Branson. 

But the truth is that a Good Enough job will at times be very boring, it won’t perfectly utilise your skills and talents, it won't earn you a fortune, yet you may make some real friends, have some times of excitement, and finish many days tired but with a sense of accomplishment, if you allow it. It takes a great deal of skill and courage to keep your life going, to persevere through the many challenges of work, love, children, marriage, and to be an every day hero. 

So if you are sitting at your desk wondering if your job or your life is good enough, perhaps feeling a bit unhappy about your situation or your choices, you should perhaps step back, and acknowledge in a non dreamy, but rather realistic way, that your life is Good Enough, and that this in itself is already a great achievement. 

One way of undercutting your perfectionist impulses might be to write a Gratitude Journal and remember all the things you did that was right, or good, or fun, or interesting, and then either let that inspire you to take action around changing the situation you are in, or simply breathe out and accept that you are Good Enough where you are.

As we go into the holidays, why don’t we reflect on the past and future years knowing that we are just Good Enough, avoid letting our minds play triks of doubt on us, and take the opportunity to tell those around us that they are Good Enough too.

Happy Holidays!