How to give yourself confidence and belonging ?? (when others won’t!)

Welcome to Quick Confidence! This weekly letter delivers a spritz of stories, tips and simple actions that will build your confidence and your power. Each quick tip bolsters confidence in your body, mind, and relationships so you can lead yourself and others to greatness.?

Have you ever been invited somewhere, only to feel like you stuck out like a sore thumb? Like you were an outlier — and you didn’t belong?

This has most definitely happened to me. One time, I was invited to a business event for top women leaders. What a confidence boost! I felt honored to be asked to attend.?

But once I got there… something was amiss. It was a struggle to strike up conversations with people! I kept introducing myself and asking questions, but everyone else seemed to know each other already. They weren’t outright rude to me, but they seemed to turn inward and turn away.?

I was left hovering on the edge of these closed conversations. It hurt! And it made me second-guess myself.

Have you had a similar experience??

Sometimes our confidence takes a blow because we don't get affirmation from other people. We might feel ignored. Weird. Invisible. Not good enough. Sadly, it's not a question of if that'll happen — for most of us it's a question of when. And if you’re a person of color, a woman or nonbinary, or someone with a visible disability, it’s likely to happen regularly ??.

It’s not fair and it’s not fun, but sometimes it’s the way things are. So how can you create your own conditions for belonging??

When your company, networking group, or team don't do it for you, how can you do it for yourself?

Quick Confidence Tips to create your own belonging:

1. Embodied: “Big up” (yourself) and claim space. This is a time to be conspicuous, not hide. When you're conversing, start by expanding the movement and gestures of your arms to a 2-foot-by-2-foot box in front of your chest. Also, take up room when you stand! While standing, don’t lean on the wall or prop your hands on the chair below you. Instead plant your feet in an area clear of furniture and claim the space you’re entitled to. This will communicate to those around you — and your mind! — that you feel comfortable and confident where you are.
2. Interpersonal: Monitor what your inner voice says to you. While most of us think of confidence as something that manifests outwardly, it really starts with what we’re saying inside. You’ve probably heard the conventional wisdom, “Listen to your inner voice.” Well, your inner voice — your self-dialogue — is a funny thing. Yes, it can support and encourage you, but it can also distort your weaknesses and amplify your worst fears. I recommend using short sound bytes, or mantras, that can be repeated over time. The great thing about mantras is that they can become our new default programming. And research suggests that affirmations can help you to perform better at work! So, invest a few minutes daily contemplating the new and improved qualities you’re developing. You’ll lower your stress level, build your confidence and do a better job. Who doesn’t want that?!?
3. Mindset: Remind yourself, “I take bold action in spite of fear.” Fear is normal: it’s not a sign that something terrible is sure to happen to you. You can learn to shrug at it! Think of your fear like a well-meaning but overprotective parent. And then challenge yourself to think and act "big" anyway. Normalizing your fear is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. It helps you let go of what you can’t control, and focus on what you can. And it helps you create the kind of supportive inner environment that unleashes your success by default.

We’re all eager to connect with our coworkers and people in general, but sometimes they don’t make it easy on us. But we don’t have to cede our power to them! Instead, we can focus on giving ourselves a feeling of inner connection and the belonging we desire.

What are some strategies you use to support and connect with yourself — especially in uncomfortable situations? I’d love to hear about your strategies. Please share them in the comments!

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