How to give feedback without complaining or blaming

No work environment is perfect. Even when things are generally going well, there are periods when challenges arise: a sudden rush, cumbersome processes, or business uncertainty. These moments are critical, as they can make or break employee morale and productivity.?

For quiet leaders, voicing concerns isn't easy. It can feel like you're not being a team player, or you might worry about putting yourself at risk if promotions or layoffs are on the horizon. But staying silent isn't the solution either. Things usually get worse, frustration boils up, and it's a recipe for disaster both on a personal level and for team productivity and business outcomes.

Understanding Why Feedback is Challenging

When you decide to voice your concern, how do you do it? With emotions running high, it's hard not to sound like you're blaming others or complaining. Let's be honest, a part of you might want to blame others, but the reality is often more complex than we perceive when our emotions are running high. There might be things you don't know, and the situation is often more delicate than you imagine.

For quiet leaders, this challenge is particularly daunting. You may already feel hesitant about speaking up, and the fear of coming across as negative or confrontational can be paralyzing. You might worry that your feedback will be dismissed or, worse, that it will damage your relationships with colleagues or superiors.?

This fear can lead to a cycle of silence, where important issues go unaddressed, potentially causing more significant problems down the line. However, it's crucial to remember that constructive feedback is not about assigning blame or complaining; it's about improving processes, relationships, and outcomes. By learning to give feedback effectively, you're not just solving immediate problems – you're developing a critical leadership skill that can positively impact your entire career.

Preparing to Give Feedback

Focus on facts

One of the most crucial steps in giving feedback is to dissociate facts from judgements. Your view of the situation is coloured by stress, frustration, and fatigue. You might be making interpretations about what's going on and believe them to be true, but they might not be.?

For instance, it's not a fact that people can't make decisions about the project. The problem might be that you receive different requests for the same task with little structure and planning, causing you to redo work multiple times at the cost of your other responsibilities.

Manage your stress

For quiet leaders, the prospect of giving feedback can trigger anxiety. To manage this, try practicing deep breathing exercises before the conversation or visualising a positive outcome. You might find the technique of heart-focused breathing outlined in this article helpful: How to train yourself to be in the present moment during stressful situations .

Remind yourself that providing feedback is a valuable leadership skill. If you're particularly nervous, consider role-playing the conversation with a trusted colleague or coach. Remember, your insights are valuable, and by managing your anxiety, you can deliver feedback more effectively and confidently.

Look at the situation with empathy

It's also crucial to approach the situation with empathy. One of the best ways to help others see where you're coming from is for you to see where they're coming from too. Try to understand the challenges and pressures others might be facing.

This empathetic approach not only helps you frame your feedback more constructively but also makes it more likely that your message will be well-received. By considering multiple perspectives, you can provide feedback that addresses the root of the issue rather than just its symptoms.

Structuring Your Feedback using the Non-Violent Communication Model

When structuring your feedback, consider using the Non-Violent Communication (NVC) Model.?This approach involves four steps:?

Step 1: Observation

This step is about stating the facts, based on what you have observed:

>> I’ve noticed that I have been invited to more meetings

>> I’ve noticed that I have been asked to redo the same request multiple times as slight changes were needed on the days leading to the delivery deadline.

Stay clear of interpretations, judgements or critics. Avoid statements such as below:

xx No one pays attention to whether or not I’m available to invite me to a meeting

xx They can’t make up their mind about what the final version

While this can be one possible interpretation of what is happening, there can be others. If your comment is perceived as a critic or an attack, the other person might react defensively and this is not a good basis for a honest and constructive conversation about the issue at hand.

Step 2: Feelings

This step is about expressing how you feel in relation to these facts:

>> I feel frustrated

>> I feel nervous

Some example of emotions and feelings are:

Sad, Hurt, Insecure, Nervous, Angry, Frustrated, Confused, Isolated, Powerless, Disillusioned, Resentful, Annoyed, …

How you feel about a situation is always valid.

Step 3: Needs

This is about identifying what need or desired isn’t met. This is where you explain why you’re bringing this up and why it’s important to you:

>> When I don’t have uninterrupted work-focused time in my calendar (at least 2-3 hours), I struggle to get in the zone and produce my creative work

>> When I am redoing the same request multiple times within a short period, I am getting behind on other tasks and am at risk of making mistakes that put the overall product at risk.

Step 4: Requests

This final step is the opportunity to ask for what you need and offer an alternative for moving forward:

>> Would you be willing to revise the meeting schedules to assess which are needed and to reshuffle them to allow for uninterrupted work time periods of at least 2-3 hours?

>> Are you able to implement a “no more changes” cut-off ahead of the actual deadline and streamline the requests to reduce the number of interventions required?

It's important to explain the impact both on you and on the business. Companies sometimes like to call themselves a family, but we know they're not. A company is first and foremost a business, with business needs so that it can operate and continue to be a business.

So while the company should care about their employees and their wellbeing, a company needs to care about the business too. When you bring feedback to the table, talk about both: the impact on you as a person (and possibly others) and the impact on the business, such as delays, oversized risks, or quality issues.

Delivering Feedback Effectively

When delivering feedback, it's crucial to avoid black or white thinking. Look for what works and acknowledge it. Demonstrate your understanding of the complexity of the situation. Bring empathy to the conversation, and remember that there are rarely villains in these situations.

Prepare what you're going to say in advance. You might have strong emotions about the situation. Maybe the issue is keeping you working at all hours or putting such high pressure on you that it's affecting your mental health.

Start by writing a first draft, letting everything out. Put all your frustration, anger, and bitterness on paper. It can be liberating to put into words what you are feeling. Once you've purged what was inside of you, write another draft - this one being the real one that you will actually use in your conversations. In this draft, focus on facts, bring empathy, and include all the steps we've discussed.

Follow-up: Feedback is not a unique event

Feedback isn't a one-time event. Following up is crucial for ensuring positive change. Schedule a check-in meeting to discuss progress and offer support and resources to help implement suggested changes. Be sure to acknowledge improvements, no matter how small. This follow-up demonstrates your commitment to growth and improvement, both for your team and yourself.

Creating a Culture of Constructive Feedback

Cultivating a culture of regular, constructive feedback has numerous benefits. It improves team communication and trust, prevents small issues from becoming major problems, and accelerates personal and professional growth.

Moreover, it enhances overall team performance and productivity while creating a more positive and supportive work environment. By normalising feedback, you create an atmosphere of continuous improvement and open dialogue.

Conclusion

Giving feedback isn't just a nice-to-have skill – it's a crucial component of effective leadership, especially for quiet leaders. By mastering the art of constructive feedback, you're not only solving immediate problems but also positioning yourself as a thoughtful, impactful leader. Facing the discomfort of giving feedback early ends up being easier and more rewarding than hoping for the best while letting the situation fester. It might affect the business aspects of the situation, but also your motivation, your relationships at work and your mental health.

Remember, your unique perspective as a quiet leader is invaluable. Your tendency for deep reflection and careful consideration of others' feelings can result in feedback that is both insightful and empathetic. By focusing on facts, managing your emotions, and offering constructive solutions, you can drive positive change in your work environment.

Don't let the fear of confrontation hold you back. Practice. Start small – perhaps with a low-stakes situation – and apply the Non-Violent Communication Model. With each feedback conversation, you'll grow more confident and skilled.

Embrace feedback as a powerful tool for positive change. As you develop this critical skill, you'll notice a transformation not just in your leadership style, but in your entire work environment. Your team will become more open, problems will be addressed more quickly, and you'll foster a culture of continuous improvement. This tool is not just a work tool and you can also apply the same principles to situations in your personal life.

Take the first step today. Identify one situation where feedback is needed, and start preparing your approach using the strategies outlined in this article. Your journey to becoming a more effective, influential leader starts with that first conversation. These are experiences that will serve throughout your whole career.

If you need help to identify and practice what changes to implement, please don’t hesitate to reach out for a conversation.

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