How To Give Feedback And Stay Friends

Debbie and Oscar were on the same team and got on well. 

When Oscar did a presentation to the whole team, Debbie was embarrassed for him. The presentation missed the mark quite obviously and Debbie knew she should tell him how to improve. This worried her because she didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news and ruin their friendship. 

This is a common issue in teams: giving feedback to someone you like and still staying friends. 

I knew there was a way to do both. 

I worked with Debbie to talk through the implications of telling Oscar about his performance, and also considering the implications of NOT giving him that feedback. Thinking about how she would feel when Oscar gave his next presentation, helped Debbie decide to tackle the issue. 

And that’s how she started - outlining for Oscar what she was about to tell him and why she needed to for his sake. By starting with the benefits for Oscar, she had given Oscar a reason not to close down and to actually listen to her advice. She then followed 3 steps:

1)  She explained her part in the issue in that she hadn’t explained what was required clearly enough and indicated how she would fix that before the next presentation. 

2) Then she described the difference between what was expected and what was delivered. This is an unemotional way of making the feedback about the issue and not personal. 

3) Finally, rather than telling Oscar what to do next, she asked him what he was going to do and also asked how she could help him. Giving Oscar the freedom to choose his next steps made him feel in control as well as kept the responsibility on him, while showing support and keeping their working relationship on friendly terms. 

 Debbie was feeling nervous about doing this, but the more we discussed the disadvantages of not telling him, she gained resolve and went back to the office and did it immediately. She reported later that Oscar thanked her for helping him!

Giving feedback can seem daunting and many managers often avoid this, but the steps we took with Debbie prove it can be done constructively and have good outcomes for both parties. 

Do you have a similar issue? Email me for a free coaching session if you would like to discuss it.