How to Give Feedback That Matters

Being able to give valuable feedback is a transformative skill as a manager. By giving feedback that matters to the person receiving it you have the power to help them achieve their goals and ambitions. If you have ever gone through life with no constructive feedback on what to do to get to that next level, then you know how it feels when someone invests 10 minutes to help. It really matters.??

But not all feedback is created equal. Some feedback can be vague, irrelevant, or even harmful. How can we give feedback that matters, that is helpful, respectful, and impactful? Here are some tips I’ve put together from my experience of both giving and receiving feedback.??

Build a connection and trust?

Feedback is more than a transaction. It is a communication that involves emotions, perspectives, and values. To give feedback that matters, you need to have a connection and a level of trust with the person you are giving feedback to. The type of feedback you get to give depends on your relationship: It might be a personal or a work connection, or both. In my experience, it’s important to have a shared work experience to be able to give impactful feedback about work.. If the connection is a work connection, then giving them feedback on how they do things in their personal life – like relationships or money is probably not going to well. ?

The reason this doesn’t work is that you haven’t set yourself up as a trusted advisor in that space. You need to build rapport and a common ground before you share your feedback. If you have feedback to give but don’t have that, see Explore other options.?

Stick to facts and feelings?

Feedback is most effective when it is based on observable facts and feelings, not on assumptions or judgments. To give feedback that matters, you need a model that helps you express what you saw, how you felt, and what you need or want. One model is nonviolent communication, which consists of four steps: observation, feeling, need, and request. For example, instead of saying "You are always late for meetings", you can say "I noticed that you arrived 15 minutes late for the last three meetings. I felt frustrated and disrespected because I value punctuality and professionalism. I need you to be on time for our meetings or let me know in advance if you have a valid reason for being late. Can you please do that?"??

This way, you avoid blaming, criticizing, or attacking the person, and instead focus on the behavior and its impact.?

Have real examples?

Feedback is more convincing when it is supported by real examples and evidence. To give feedback that matters, the recipient needs to understand it’s accurate and be able to relate to it. ?

You need to have specific and concrete instances that illustrate your comments. For example, instead of saying "You are a great writer", you can say "I really liked your article on giving feedback. You had a clear and engaging title, a well-structured and informative body, and a strong and compelling conclusion. You used relevant and credible sources, and you cited them properly. You also used a friendly and professional tone, and you avoided jargon and errors." This way, you show the person what they did well, and why it was well done and it’s SO much better.?

One thing I do is open OneNote and write out full sentences of feedback before I give it. Especially when I think it will be hard to hear. This helps me get my words right.?

It's not a monologue, it's a dialogue?

Feedback is a two-way street. It is not a monologue, but a dialogue. To give feedback that matters, you need to be open and respectful of the person's response and perspective. You need to acknowledge that you don't know the whole story, and that your feedback is not the absolute truth, but your opinion or perception. You should listen actively and attentively and ask questions to clarify and understand. You need to accept that the person may not agree with your feedback or may not act on it. Respect their autonomy and choice and do not force or coerce them to change, otherwise it could easily go the other way and they reject the feedback. ?

You also need to be willing to receive feedback yourself, and to learn from it. Often when I give someone some specific feedback it’s like holding a mirror to myself.?

Explore other options?

Feedback is not always easy or welcome. Sometimes, you may not have the relationship or the trust to give feedback that matters, or the person may not be ready or willing to hear your feedback. At times, the feedback may be too sensitive or difficult to share. In these cases, you need to explore other options to communicate your thoughts.?

You may try to build or improve your relationship with the person first or wait for a better time or place to share your feedback. Don’t wait so long that the person receiving the feedback has forgotten about the occasion. ?

Having a peer or colleague of the person deliver or reinforce your feedback can work. But, be sure the third party really understands and can own that feedback. Proxied feedback can feel very false. ?

Consider an intervention or mediator for severe issues. I’ve had to do this recently and while I appreciated the mediator’s skills in what was a difficult situation, it did make the matter seem even more serious. ?

You may also try to use informal or indirect ways to give feedback, such as compliments, suggestions, or stories. Whatever way you choose, you need to be careful and respectful, and not go behind the recipient’s back.?

Summary?

Feedback is a valuable and essential part of our personal and professional lives. It can help us grow, improve, and succeed. Just use the 5 principles:?

• Build a connection and trust with the person we are giving feedback to. ?
• Stick to the facts and feelings and communicate clearly and respectfully. ?
• Have real examples and evidence to support our feedback. ?
• Be open and respectful of the person's response and perspective. ?

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