How to give feedback.

We’ve all seen the models. STAR, STARAR, SBI. These models and even the title of this article massively miss the complexity of feedback. I think that may be the purpose of these models, simplicity. However in equipping people with the wrong tools we are setting them up to fail. Feedback is not and can never be a one way street within a single moment of time, it is one person sharing their perception, based on their own biases, beliefs and baggage, and it can have a lasting impact on the relationship.

I was given feedback about 15 years ago. To be honest I can’t even remember much of the content (I know it wasn’t good) but what I do remember is how it was delivered, how it left me feeling and what it did to the relationship. I can still remember how small I felt, how my responses were ignored and how the lack of compassion was like a punch in the gut. At that moment I was a young woman desperate to be shown how I could do things better, be guided, be mentored, but instead this person chose to reinforce their power and to ignore my voice. The outcome was not an improvement in my performance.

This example is extreme, but is a genuine tale of how feedback done badly can haunt someone even years after the fact. When giving feedback we are encouraged to focus so much on what we are going to say, we rehearse the words but this is the wrong place to start, we need to focus on what we are trying to achieve and how we are going to do this. By asking ourselves some simple questions this will help us shape how we might deliver feedback in a truly effective way. The first are about the other person, I will take them one by one.

1.    How do you think this may feel for them?

Coming from a place of empathy is crucial with feedback. It can be helpful to think both about the situation(s) you are giving feedback about and the current feedback scenario. Why might a person act aggressively in meetings? What do we know about them that may help us understand this? Also how might this feedback conversation feel, how did we set it up? Do we hold the power from a hierarchical point of view?

If we are unsure about how a person may have felt or may feel now it is an excellent place to start the conversation. Before we share our own view, ask them. Do what we can to understand the situation from the other person’s perspective. Opening with a question rather than our own perspective will allow the other person to see that their perspective is valued and help us to understand.

2.    How do you want them to feel?

How do you want them to feel leaving your conversation? Motivated, empowered, happy, connected? Sad, guilty, deflated? Consider what it will mean for each of the other questions, if they feel motivated vs sad. What will that mean in regards to what you want them to know or what you want them to do. If you have realised you want them to feel bad in some way I encourage you to reflect on that, will it genuinely help if they feel bad?

3.    What do you want them to know?

What is at the heart of what you are trying to say? What is it deep down you want them to know? Is their behaviour impacting you or someone else, has something they’ve said impacted your trust? Why are you having this conversation? Another way to look at this could be what might happen if you did not have the conversation, what might they never know if you don’t talk to them.

4.    What do you want them to understand?

Is there a reason you see things differently to them? Will their behaviour impact them in some way if it continues? Is there something you can see but they cannot? What are the dots you want them to be able to join by the end of your conversation.

5.    What do you want them to do?

Are you asking them to do something differently? Be clear about what this is in your own mind, you may end up arriving at solutions together, but have a view in your own mind what it is you would like them to do with this information you are sharing.

So far we have looked at what we would like from the other person, but what about our own position:

1.    How will you remember your feedback is your own?

I have so far encouraged you to ask yourself what you would like the other to feel/know/understand/do, however we must remember that this is our desire, we cannot force or coerce another to do what we want them to do. Consider how you might react if the person does not wish to listen or do the things you were hoping for, how will you feel? What will you do?

2.    What do you want to know?

The process of feedback to be meaningful should be two way, so what do you want to know from them? What is it you are currently puzzled about. Ask the questions.

3.    How do you want to feel?

What feeling do you want to leave the conversation with? Relief? Connection? Power? Once you realise how you are looking to feel it may be helpful to ask yourself why you are looking to feel this way and whether, in actual fact, the conversation you are planning will make you feel this way, are you seeking something that this conversation won’t give you?

4.    How will you know what you need to do?

You may be entering this with a request to the other person to change, but how do you intend to find out what you might need to do or change in order to enable that to happen? Is there support that you need to give? Do your behaviours trigger the other person? How will you explore this in a constructive way?

5.    Why is this important to you?

Why are you having this conversation? Is the relationship important to you? Do you want to help the person shape their career? Taking the time to really reflect on why you are doing this can set a foundation on which you can positively position the conversation.

6.    What impact do you want to have on your relationship? And how will you achieve this?

Do you want to leave the one with the power or do you want to build trust? Do you want to feel closer or further apart? Ask yourself where you want to end up with this person, ultimately every exchange we have has an impact on the dynamic of that relationship, considering what impact we want to have can help us frame our conversation and think about HOW we approach it. What behaviours, actions or questions might contribute to this?

7.    How do I prepare for a conversation?

Feedback is often thought of as one person delivering a message. I encourage you not to approach it like that. Think about what questions you want to ask, what you want to know. Be curious and listen. This means you may also need to prepare yourself for hearing things that may be uncomfortable for you. How will you respond?

8.    I’m ok/you’re ok

Without exception I can guarantee that both parties in this conversation are good, decent humans. With desires, hopes, dreams and struggles. We all make mistakes, we are all on a journey, we all need help and support. Entering into the conversation knowing that you are ok, your perspective is valid and you are allowed to be heard, while also knowing the same is true for the other can be invaluable.

By having great feedback conversations we can drive performance and create psychological safety AND a kick ass culture.